I’m tired and I can’t see a future

[Britishinaus]

I’ve been unwell for nearly 2 years now, 5 medication changes and I thought the ones I’m on now were working until 4 weeks ago and the suicidal thoughts have come back. I’m 32 and I’m tired and I can’t see a future. I have an amazing partner, a job I actually like, and more money saved than I ever have, and a plan for University and what I wanted to do career wise and yet that doesn’t seem enough. All I feel like is a failure and that all I’ve done throughout my life is fail and that I deserved all the bad things that happened to me. I’ve made so many mistakes which I wish I could take back. I feel so unaccomplished and this is the lowest I’ve felt. All I can think about lately is just to end it so the pain stops and that I don’t burden anyone. The mornings are the worst time and I just don’t want to wake up. I just feel there are so many people who would be happy to see me gone, and that the people who wouldn’t would be fine after a week. Life goes on right? I’m so sick of hurting.. and I’m hurting my partner in the process, all I want to do is push him away. He’s a psychiatric nurse and he understands but he would be so much better off without me. I feel like I’ve ruined his life. I’ve ruined my own life by not having all the things you’re meant to have by the time you reach your 30’s. There’s so much I regret and im so angry at myself. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going for..

[Sophie_M]

Hi Britishinaus,

Thank you for sharing here. It sounds like an incredibly difficult time. We can hear you’ve been going through a lot, and have been feeling suicidal. We’re really glad you could share here, and it’s a really brave step to have taken.

We’re reaching out to you privately to check you're ok. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking it through when you're feeling this way, and working out options for more support. They're also available via webchat, 11am-12am AEDT). We'd always recommend reaching out to your health professional when treatment is challenging. 

Another option would be ringing our friends over at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline (13 11 14) and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Positive_vibes89]

Britishinaus, thank you for posting on the forum for some support. Are you thinking of taking your life right now and do you have a plan of action? Lets talk all this through, I am here to listen. Thank you for reaching out and expressing your feelings to us on this forum. To do this it takes alot of strength to seek some support. It is really wonderful that you have an amazing partner, a job you like, good finances and plans to go to university! Those are some excellent things and achievements to have in your life. I feel so impressed that you have all this going for you. You are not a failure, everyone does bad things or regrettable things in their lives. Ive done some bad things too, but I dont regret them because they have moulded me into the person I am now. For you, it sounds that way as well with what you have accomplished. Its never too late to change your life and you have taken positive steps. You have the perfect support network within your partner, as a psychatric nurse he would be able to support you in seeking extra support services close to where you live. Your Partner loves you very much and would do anything to help you. There is no shame in reaching out to help and telling him you need some help. I understand too how we can get angry at ourselves for our mistakes and if possible step into a time machine to change the past but its just not possible. And that is so difficult if we have depression, are you reciving any therapy from a psychologist at the moment? Its so hard not to dwell on past events, but you have an great aspiration to get into university, what do you want to study?

[Britishinaus]

Hi, thank you for your message, I'm safe at the moment and I've found things to distract me today. I'm looking to study dietetics, but I'm worried about enrolling next year and not having the motivation needed to complete a degree because of my current mental health. I just want to be happy..

[Positive_vibes89]

Fantastic! I am a university student and I have been through some tough times with my mental health. My parents had a real traumatic seperation and it affected me to the point I just couldn't function. I ended up failing two subjects and that is when I realised that I needed support. I refused to give up on my degree because of my mental health or my family. I was hungry to become a nurse, studies is what kept me going and the passion I had to become a nurse. I did not want to quit!!! Universities have programs to support students who have a mental illness. I applied for deakin universities disability support program for my despession, ptsd and anxiety. They give me extensions on assignments, extra exam time. Universities also give you accsess to councillors on campus too. There is also lots of literacy and numercy support services and students that volunteer to help other students. I admitt there are times I still struggle with my degree, i finish next year now. But I broke all my subjects up to ensure i will be able to cope with the study load. There is an option for you to complete your degree part time, I think the first step for you is to reach out to the university and find out what supports they can offer you as a student before enrolling and if you can do your degree part time. Universities want to support you and help you graduate. I hope this helps! you got this okay. Im 32, if I can do it, so can you too.

[Britishinaus]

That’s amazing! When did you start your degree? I didn’t even know Universities offered that kind of help. That’s instilled some more motivation in me now that I know that. Thank you so much!

[Positive_vibes89]

I started in 2019 and finish in 2022 now. Im so pleased to hear that you are inspired to go through with studying. I feel very proud of you! Focusing on your degree will give you purpose and something to work towards. Im always visualising myself on a stage in the graduation hat and gown receiving my degree infront of my friends and family. Getting excepted into university was one of the proudest moments I've had. I wish you all the best, I am so excited for you. This is just an amazing aspiration to have. You go girl!

[Positive_vibes89]

Hi Britishinaus, Just checking in to see how you are and what you have been doing? Would love for you to keep me updated with the progress on your university plans. Sending really positive vibes to you!