Feeling like a terrible person

[Annewithan-e]

So I’m not in a great place.

I’m fortunate to have a great psychologist. I have been working with her for a fair while now. I feel like I trust her but I’m still incredibly stuck, and freeze and space out in sessions. I have managed to discuss some things but on the whole I feel like a complete failure.
I don’t trust myself or my own thoughts, and I feel like a hypochondriac or attention seeking drama queen. I think I’m making things up, or dramatizing it. I emailed and said as much last night. That I’m a bad person and I don’t deserve help.
Its just that things aren’t clear or keep changing in my mind, and it was all so long ago - I never said anything, I excelled in so many areas, I was fine for so long, it just doesn’t make sense.

now I’m in this spiral of what a horrible human being I am for acting like a victim and I just want to disappear.

[white knight]

Hi Anne

Firstly, there's no pressure here, any pressure you feel is an illusion. Like I'll recommend the following thread to read, only the initial post I wrote, but only when and if you feel up to it.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

TonyWK

[Annewithan-e]

I’ve been talking to her for nearly 3 years. I freeze and dissociate. I’m constantly ashamed of myself.

I know I didn’t have the best childhood, but I was able to excel academically and in the sporting arena. I was outwardly confident and known as ‘happy and smiling’.

The things I keep experiencing and seeing don’t make sense, and I don’t think they are real. Just some kind of representation of my messed up mind. I’m ashamed that I presented myself as a victim when I’m not really. Things weren’t that bad, I’m just replaying them over and over and making it into something it’s not.

[Petal22]

Good morning Ann withan e,

I understand……… sometimes our minds can give us images and thoughts and we question them……… are they real? Did that happen to me or is it just something that my mind made up ………… which yes it does aswell but when we begin to question these things and start to obsess over them they can get very big and distressing especially if they have set off our anxiety………. Anxiety makes things feel a lot more intense….. anxiety fuels what’s happening in our minds which in turn causes havoc on our nervous system….

It’s not your fault………

I have a lived experience of OCD…… obsessive compulsive disorder…….. My mind would play thoughts and images over and over again I was very distressed by it….. I’d question these things and I couldn’t get away from what was playing over and over again….. it was a bit like living my worst night mare……

I understand with how you feel for playing the victim but this really isn’t your fault….

Have you ever discussed OCD with your psychologist? I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose but maybe you could mention it?

Is your psychologist a clinical psychologist? A clinical psychologist can diagnose……..

OCD is very treatable Ive recovered……. There are therapies available for this disorder if it is OCD your experiencing?

Please ask me any thing…

[Petal22]

Also Anne withan e,

I understand the freezing and dissociation in my experience I’d feel this when I was going through extreme panic inside myself……….

I felt so stuck in my head like I was being made to watch what was going on inside my head…

I understand the feeling is very distressing.

Your not alone and you can recover from what you are currently experiencing…. Healing is possible….

[Annewithan-e]

It seems like you do understand Petal. I’ve never thought of it as potential OCD type behaviour.
After my email to my psychologist the other night I have felt so sick and anxious. I feel like she won’t want to see me.

she is too nice, said she doesn’t agree I’ve made it up, but we will talk about it, I just don’t know if I can face her, so ashamed.

[Petal22]

I really do understand the distress that can be felt ….. it’s a really tough place to be in…….. but you can learn to move fast it all and live a wonderful life……… if it is OCD I’m living proof that life really can be great again…… just remember what you are going through is temporary and you can heal and recover….there is always a way forward….

You must have a really lovely psychologist….. please don’t feel ashamed it’s not your fault…. I’m sure your psychologist will want to see you again…… a good psychologist will help you to heal from no matter what you are going through…..

We can learn so many skills and thoughts can be challenged……. Have you learned any skills?

If you have made up what you have been speaking to your psychologist about the most important thing for you is to learn how to let go of these thoughts so you can move forward….. we can teach our brains to let things go it takes practice but it can be done.

Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves or others in order to let go of things so we can move forward….. our minds will play out these thoughts and images but I found the best thing to do was just to allow them to be there and in a calm way just move my attention onto something in the present moment.

I have written two threads you may be interested in reading when you are ready just for interest…

From someone who suffered OCD and recovered

Effective treatment for OCD Metacognitive Therapy

Like I said I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose but if you wanted a diagnosis I recommend you see a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist….

Your really not alone and I understand….. please know I’m here and chat to me anytime…….

Sending you love and kindness…..

You will find a way forward 🙏

[Annewithan-e]

Thank you.

I’ve been pretty unwell the last 24 hours or so with a horrible migraine. it’s been here since yesterday after my session with my psychologist.

I felt so anxious to go, and scared. But she was wonderful as always, and took time to talk to me and explain why she felt I’m not making it up, and all the evidence that said that my memories were real and not imagined. I still don’t trust myself, but understand that while I might not want to face that things happened, everything points to that it did.
this sent me into another tailspin where I was flooded again and felt the weight of all the memories flashing through me.
I felt like I could hardly walk, dizzy and sick as I left, and a migraine came on later. migraine is getting better now… but I still feel sick and uneasy - I doubt I’ll sleep tonight. And I still can’t stand myself. I’m struggling to work out how to keep holding myself together…

[Petal22]

Sorry to hear you have been unwell…..

I’m glad that your psychologist was nice and talked things through with you.

If it did happen or didn’t happen is this something you can accept as not really knowing if it’s real or not ?

You can then try to let it go …..

How is your psychologist helping you to move forward from this?

Im here and I’m happy to chat to you…… you will move forward from this….

Take care of your self