so tired of everything

[jumpyjellyfish-]

i haven't been on here for a while but been struggling a lot recently. ive been pretty much forced into recovery from an ed which is causing me a lot of stress and everything just feels really hopeless.

i reach out the start of last year and started going to therapy, it took me a while to open up but when i finally told my psychologist about my ed behaviours i got referred to somewhere else because she didn't treat eds. i still really wish i could just go back and see her because she actually helped me. where i got referred didn't help, was doing fbt there (cymhs, I'm under 18) and finally got offered individual therapy but then my treatment team there suggested i go on medication for anxiety depression and OCD (OCD which literally got 100 times worse after I stopped seeing my first psychologist). and my parents are against medication so now im stuck seeing a third different support person who I don't click with and don't want to talk to.

all of this is making it really hard to abstain from self harming because I just feel so consistently overwhelmed with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and everything just feels like too much. ive also been feeling a lot more suicidal than i was because of all the stress. im safe, but the thoughts do get overwhelming when they steer in the direction of ways i could hurt myself. its not like i think i would even act on them ever really, i still hate the thoughts nonetheless tho.

i wish i could feel better but i feel hopeless.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy_jellyfish

Thanks for reaching out tonight.

Sounds like youre very overwhelmed at this time and feel forced rather than willingly manage your ed. No wonder you're stressed. We want you to know that you're not alone and with the right supports again things can improve.

We're concerned about your thoughts of suicide and self harm, so we have sent a private message to check in with you. 

We hope you know that there is always support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 
If thoughts of self harm or suicide are in fact with you tonight, where you feel like acting on those thoughts, then this is an emergency, and you should call 000 immediately.

[smallwolf]

hello again and welcome back. Though the circumstances don't seem that great. And while I know you do not feel that great at the moment, you were able to come here and talk about it. If my reading, responding, listening helps just a little ...

It sounds as though you might have had a good relationship with your first psychologist. It seems you would like to the go back to that person?

You also mentioned being under 18 - have you tried Kids Helpline? You can call them on 1800 55 1800 and their web site address is https://kidshelpline.com.au/

If you want to chat about what is bothering you ...

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey, thanks i appreciate you responding x

yeah i do want to go back and see my first psychologist but thats not really an option atm which is pretty upsetting honestly...

ive been in touch with a regular counsellor from kids helpline for a while yeah, helpful most of the time which is good I guess to have somewhere to talk about everything

thanks again for listening, it means a lot:)

[geoff]

Hello Jumpy jellyfish, I'm sorry you are experiencing this type of disorder, but the first psychologist may be able to help you in trying to find out the reasons why you have ed (eating disorder) and not necessarily how to overcome it.

Other factors in your life have caused this to happen and then one problem leads onto another problem, so if you send an email she might change her mind.

If it's related to OCD then a specialised psychologist may be more helpful.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thanks Geoff, i might see if I can email her although i also have the issue of convincing my mum to let me swap supports. she seems to be trying to do what she thinks is best but i think it's influenced by her experiences in therapy rather than what i feel would help me.

I think that in some ways my ocd is related to my ed and trying to feel in control of really violent intrusive thoughts but i don't really even know so getting help to figure that out would probably be a good idea. will see how things go anyways. thanks:)

[Miz]

hi jumpy jellyfish

thanks for reaching out - it sounds like you've been struggling to feel heard by your parents. I've been through something similar with my parents when I was struggling as a teenager. I think the best thing to do to make your needs feel heard is to try and be really clear about what you think will help you the most (like seeing your old psychologist). I think sometimes our parents want to control the situations we are in but often that doesn't help us!

Hope you find someone that can help you!

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thanks Miz:) i get really anxious about talking to anyone in person about what i feel like i want especially to my parents but trying to work toward being able to say something (sooner rather thsn later would be nice) about it clearly. will try anyways:)

[jumpyjellyfish-]

this is so exhausting. everything. being alive takes so much effort and there's so many thoughts going through my head all the time about anything and everything bad that could possibly happen, about how worthless i feel and its so overwhelming. self harm has been a bit of an issue recently too, although i always feel invalid about it especially since the time a nurse saw my recent self harm and passed onto my doctor that it was "superficial". it was, but still having someone else say that feels like it's not bad enough and just for attention, even though i was terrified that anyone saw it. im safe anyways for now, just having a rough night like usual.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

We're sorry to hear how exhausting things are for you at the moment and that you're feeling so worthless. We just want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. Reaching out for help is such a brave thing to do, and we are so glad that you have. You are not alone. 

We want you to know that there is always extra immediate support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Both Beyond Blue and our online community members are here with you.