Everything is too mu

mikotheawesome

I don't even know what to do anymore

Everything I do leads me back to square one. It's so bad, it's so so bad

Everytime I look in the mirror I don't see myself anymore, I see a twisted, warped version of myself looking back at me. I've called the police once and got brought to the hospital twice but nothing has changed. I still remember one of the police officers telling me everything was going to get better but nothing has. Nothing changed. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. I've remind my mother multiple times to refer me to another psychologist but its the same response. "We have to wait for the people to call us." No we dont. No. we. don't. She just doesn't want to deal with me, she doesn't want to pay for my care. She wants me to "realise" that i'm being dramatic. That i'm faking. That i'm a fat liar that wants attention. Inhad n arguement with her recently where I reminded her that I'm a child who is still developing emotionally and at this stage I'm not doing okay mentally. She then proceeded to yell at me and sarcastically ask me whether i think that means all punishments should be non-existent just because i'm being "dramatic". I then told her that only SOME. should not apply. she then mocked me and made me feel stupid. i hate her i hate her i hate her i hate her i hate hate hate hate hate her. everyday i'm losing my mind and ALL SHE CAN CARE ABOUT is how much im on my phone. I cant DO THIS anymore. when my friends talk abotu future plans i feel so sad knowing these won't apply to me. I don't see myself past 16. i have a plan and method to end myself but i dont have any intent because i'm still thinking of my friends. i just keep seeing their faces, being told i'm no longer alive, and they still have to go to school. i don't want to do that, but that feeling isn't as strong as it was last year. i'm becoming more apathetic to the thought of leaving everyone behind and there's nothing i can do. i've started to write notes, even one to myself, and there's nothing i can do. every night i go to sleep and dread the next morning knowing it'll be pain. mentally and physically. my mother mocked me for saying i might need a cane or a mobility aid due to severe leg pain. i cant do this i cant i really cant i just want to sleep and never wake up. at school, if i get in trouble, i don't care because "i'll be dead anyway." i used to correct myself but i don't do that anymore. i've accepted that it's "true". everyday is a loop and im stuck here while everyone else enjoys their days. their lives. i hate my life i hate it i hate it

Sophie_M

Hi mikotheawesome,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what's been going on for you on the Beyond Blue Forums.

We can hear how challenging life has been lately. Reaching out takes a lot of strength and courage, so we appreciate you doing so. We have sent you a private message providing additional support, can you please let us know that you are safe and okay?

Please know that you are not alone in this, and you have shown such courage to reach out today as well as in the past. You deserve to have some support to help you navigate all of these things causing you stress, you deserve to feel respected and cared for, especially by your parents, and it can be so hard when you are not getting that support from them.

It can help to talk through all these things with someone, so I really encourage you to give us a call or even jump on a webchat with us to get some counselling support. To call us, contact 1300 22 4636 To use webchat, Click Here https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor

If you're currently feeling like you may be unable to keep yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide or self harm at any stage, it's important to get some help. If you’re not sure who to call, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide call back on 1300 659 467. If at any time you feel you are immediate danger, always call 000. Your safety and wellbeing are really important.

You have mentioned making plans and writing letter which does make us concerned, and sometimes reaching out can help break that loop of those thoughts so that we can keep you safe.

Thank you again for taking this incredibly brave step in reaching out. We are here for you and so are our wonderful online community.

Warmest Regards,

Sophie M

mikotheawesome

Hi Sophie M,

I can assure you i'm safe and okay but i'm worried i might not be soon

thank you for being so kind and i will definitely look into lifeline

miko