doomed from the start

chillipower · ‎29-09-2023

i used to think i wanted to die because of my situation, because of what was happening at the time. but finally i realised, there is no reason. even now when everything i fought so hard for has finally come true, even after everything is going right in my life for the first time ever, i still feel this way. for once in my life i felt happiness and yet it made no difference. i still want to die. my current situation makes no difference and it took me far too long to realise that. even knowing i want to live and that this is all in my head, it’s still the only thing on my mind. why go on when all i can think about is dying? why keep trying when the root of the problem has just always been that my brain won’t allow me to stay happy?

smallwolf · ‎07-10-2023

'm truly sorry to hear that you've had challenging experiences with trust and support in the past - that sucks. It's completely okay to have boundaries and preferences when it comes to sharing personal matters. At the same time, and from my own story I also found just pushing it down and talking to nobody was also bad. We each have to work out what works best for ourselves.

Congratulations on your new job! I hope it goes well for you. Can you say a little about what you will be doing?

chillipower · ‎08-10-2023

i feel like it’s less pushing my emotions down, i still tackle them head on. but i find sharing my thoughts to people in my life to be pointless. i guess it just doesn’t really serve me in anyway. i don’t feel any better. so if telling people my situation doesn’t make me feel good, there’s not really much point to do it. makes it harder when they don’t want to see me suffering, so naturally they’ll try to find ways to fix it. thing is for matters like this, there is nothing they can do. some battles you have to fight for yourself. it’s not like they can push a button to make me feel good. they just have to sit and watch my suffering powerlessly. so not telling people takes the needless burden off of them. i’ve been in the position where i powerlessly watched a loved one suffer with suicide. all i could do was watch. i don’t want to put anyone in that position because i know how much it hurts.

as for my job, basically i’m a call taker for a bank. haven’t started yet so that’s about as much as i know.

smallwolf · ‎08-10-2023

OK. I am hearing you. And sad at the same time it has to be that way for you.

I am also curious to know what "this" is when you mentioned ... thing is for matters like this, there is nothing they can do.

Or if you don't want to answer that, perhaps you could tell me a little about yourself? Or what things interest you?

chillipower · ‎09-10-2023

by “this” i just mean deep physiological issues and mental health struggles. by the way thank you for your effort responding, appreciate it.

smallwolf · ‎09-10-2023

from the very little I know about you, it sounds like you have been through a lot or had to deal with a lot of hurt. Sad.

I'll tell you a little about myself. In response you thanking me for my effort. There are many reasons why I respond to posts and chat with people here. One of the main ones is that I dont want anyone to take the path I went down. There was nothing tragic per se in my life. Just enough chinks in the shield that protected me which eventually made the shield useless. And when I received that last email that went through to my core (if you will) I felt so alone and worthless. And when I first posted here, years ago, there was support for me. Sure, I could be playing a game or doing something different, but I do it because I care. Whatever you are looking for, and insert positive qualities here, you deserve. And if I can walk part of that journey with you, I will.