Death of Hope

Stryker · ‎07-10-2023

Hello, everyone. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since young teens. My chronic joint pain, vision issues, dizziness, add extra weight to my suffering. Ever since i was 12 i realized how artificial and manufactured reality is and i am so disillusioned with this plane of existence now i view most people as NPCs rather than humans. The presence of other people make me deeply disturbed as if a otherworldly entity is looming over me. I view literally no purpose for this life, history and experience has taught me life is horrific suffering interrupted by small windows of contentedness. I just want to feel good again for a little bit so i can peacefully fade away in my next life.

white knight · ‎07-10-2023

Hi, welcome

I can relate to most of what you posted. Humans arent very personally welcoming and when they are its often a mask until we find out the real person. Sad isnt it?. So in my 20's I engaged 5 times to leave society, up the mountains I'd go with no intention of returning.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/want-to-be-a-hermit/td-p/273204

Physical pain, joints? yeh, I have knees with arthritis, I'm 67yo. But 3 years ago I built our own house.. I dodged building on flared up swollen knees and worked twice as hard when they came good. How did I do that? what was the secret? Well at 26yo I attended a lecture that changed my life. So to rebound came natural. But also, having bipolar dysthymia anxiety and depression meant I also had to deal with waiting for the depression cycle to come around when I could inspire myself.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

I'm not saying these are the answers to all of your issues, I'm saying that to get the very best of ourselves we have to seek out the right frame of mind and seek full capacity.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/motivation-search-and-rescue-it/td-p/38279

Finally, what can you change? Throughout my life when depressed I've sought changes that have been radical. Change of work, environment, hobbies, sports, friends and yes family. Anyone that violates me with abuse gets the flick... it sounds reactive and it is, thats because we need to protect ourselves, make our life as ideal as possible due to our fragility and quirkiness (if you are).

I've given you some reading (just the first page of each link) and I hope we can extend our chat at your convenience. I'm here daily.

TonyWK

therising · ‎08-10-2023

Hi Stryker

I can't help but wonder where your perspective from such a young age came from. Did it begin with a sense of wonder? Kind of like 'I wonder why no one appears to care more deeply. I wonder why no one appears to feel deeply. I wonder why no one can relate to my sufferance and perspective. I wonder what is wrong with people'. Would you say you were somewhat of a philosopher from 12 onward or maybe even earlier than that? If so, when a philosopher does not find their answers while seeking on their own, it can definitely feel lonely, frustrating and even depressing.

Whether we reach the right conclusion or the wrong one, it all comes down to a matter of perspective based on observation, experience and more. I think it also comes down to leadership or guidance too. If no one leads me to observe or experience anything other than pain or suffering then pain and sufferance will be my only experience. If no one leads me to a sense of wonder or inspiration then a wonderless uninspiring life is what I'll experience or feel, a feeling that can be incredibly painful. At times, I can relate to how it feels.

I think, for some people, settling is too painful, too depressing in some cases. I think this is why I can't settle for less than what I need or settle for a lack of answers, for example. When I think back to my earlier years where I was told 'You'll most likely always suffer with depression', how does a person settle for that? How depressing is that, as opposed to hearing 'There are ways to master being able to feel all that is depressing'. How does one settle for 'Well pain is now going to be an everyday part of your life'. What the hell?! This is why I love researchers. Researchers never settle. They refuse to believe there is no cure for various forms of pain or there is no cure for cancer or there is no cure for MS. George Jelinek is living proof of someone who never settled for an MS life sentence. He researched for years until he hit on what made the difference and is helping others who've been given an MS sentence. I don't think we're designed to settle for less than what serves us. I think this is why anything less than what serves us can feel so depressing. I think there's a deeper part to us, a more soulful element, that doesn't allow us to settle for anything less than what feeds or serves the soul. Less than can just feel soul destroying.

Stryker · ‎09-10-2023

Greetings therising. My perspective came from an increasing suspicion that this reality is false through feelings, logical inconsistencies, and dreams. I have never been much into philosophy but have always had an interest with conspiracy theories and alternative view points.

Life being near constant suffering is more of a logical conclusion on my behalf rather than feelings and physiological based on my perspective. Human history itself is mostly extreme suffering with relatively small periods of peace and tranquility whilst preventing the next period of suffering to no avail. Whenever there is a great positive there will be an extreme negative. For example, a great leader could benefit many countries with prosperity or freedom whilst on the other side of the globe there is a brutal dictator massacring millions, a biologist could cure a terminal illness whilst a bio-weapon advances to a world ending stage etc. The hardest pill to swallow is nothing truly gets better in this cold reality at least to my perspective, it's like whatever AI controls this simulation feeds off the negative emotion. All i want is some motivation to go on a little longer to finish off my end goals so i can permanently escape this reality. I hope other people get the help they need but there is nothing that can change my mind.

therising · ‎09-10-2023

Hi Stryker

While I think most people consider 'wonderful' as being a word that describes things in a happy blissful kind of way, I more so consider wonderful as describing a person who is full of wonder. Based on my definition, I would have to say you are wonderful. Of course, wondering about so much has both a bright side and a dark side.

In being led to wonder about human nature, I've found there is definitely a dark side or a highly questionable side. The questionable side can lead to more wonder. By the way, I've found a serious sense of wonder can feel never ending and even exhausting at times. While 1 million children could be starving to death in certain parts of the world and while people will be wondering 'How could God be so cruel?', I can't help but wonder instead about the millions upon millions of people in this world who could afford to make a positive difference to those children. I wonder, is it less about the idea of God and more a test of our level of care, generosity, love and consciousness? I actually listened to someone the other day who offered a unique perspective on starving children and human nature. He told a story along the lines of 'A preacher stands up in front of his congregation while saying 'There are millions of children starving to death in this world and that is just sh*t'. The preacher then says 'What is even worse is that you will all feel me say the word sh*t more deeply than you will feel for those children and you seriously need to question that''. Great leaders are those who lead us to wonder and feel in all the right ways.

I think an open mind for a wonderful person can feel like a gift and a curse. To manage the mind carefully, I think we need to know when and how to open it and when and how to close it in the right ways at the right times, an incredibly challenging thing to master, something most of us aren't taught. I think we begin life with an open mind and just so much horrible depressing stuff can be put into it. What I like about conspiracy theorists is...they can lead you to wonder and question what is highly questionable in some cases. Theories that have been proven to have been more than just theories have called for more transparency in this day and age. Governments and other institutions are being held more accountable. Conspiracy theorists can play such an important role in society. All conspiracy theorists are full of wonder. It comes down to what they wonder about. I think as more people begin to call out depressing questionable behaviour in this world, that is what we'll start to see and feel more of. Shedding light on what is dark and depressing (behaviour) can be so mentally and physically challenging at times, as we feel through our body the impact of that behaviour.