doomed from the start

chillipower · ‎29-09-2023

i used to think i wanted to die because of my situation, because of what was happening at the time. but finally i realised, there is no reason. even now when everything i fought so hard for has finally come true, even after everything is going right in my life for the first time ever, i still feel this way. for once in my life i felt happiness and yet it made no difference. i still want to die. my current situation makes no difference and it took me far too long to realise that. even knowing i want to live and that this is all in my head, it’s still the only thing on my mind. why go on when all i can think about is dying? why keep trying when the root of the problem has just always been that my brain won’t allow me to stay happy?

Sophie_M · ‎29-09-2023

Hey Chillipower,

It sounds like an incredibly difficult time. We can hear you’re going through a lot and have been having thoughts of death and dying. We’re really glad you could share here, and it’s a really brave step to have taken.

We’re reaching out to you privately as well, but In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 46 36 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), which can sit with you in these feelings and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can call Lifeline (13 11 14) and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

therising · ‎30-09-2023

Hi chillipower

My heart goes out to you so much as you face what can be felt as one of the greatest torments in life, if not the greatest, 'How do I live under the circumstances?'.

To be fair, how do you do what no one's ever shown you how to do? While I think most of us are raised with some basic knowledge, like when and how to use good manners, how to toilet our self from a young age, how to use a knife and fork, how to read and write etc etc, what we don't have an education in is the really tough and challenging stuff. Where are the skills that are needed for managing incredibly depressing and tormenting inner dialogue? Where are the skills involved in knowing how to gain a sense of direction or when and how to find a guide in life, when we're so desperate for guidance? What about the skills involved in understanding, mastering and using emotions to our advantage? When a multitude of skills are required for figuring out how to live under a variety of different circumstances, what to do when most of those skills just aren't there. To be fair, chances are our parents weren't taught these skills either, so how can they pass on what they're not conscious of?

I think while our brain can process many different ways in which to leave this world, what it can't process at times is how to stay and manage what requires incredible skill. If each skill set is a kind of mental program, what that processor up there in our head can't do is function well without what's required. It really is rather useless in this way. Sounds a little strange but as a soulful kind of gal I've come to see it as...if this processor up there in my head is responsible for physical and some mental function, what part of me needs to be sitting at the keyboard as the programmer, installing new programs and deleting the ones that cause nothing but problems?

smallwolf · ‎01-10-2023

hello and welcome.

I would very much like to able to click my fingers and make everything right for you. But we both know that is not possible.

Battles with mental health does not define us or you or make you broken. I hear your agony, but please don't give up hope. With time and support, mindsets can shift; brighter days can be ahead. You have made it this far, shown vulnerability in posting here, and have a strength inside, even if you can't feel it now.

If you want to chat some more, reach out. I'm listening...

ChrissyStar · ‎02-10-2023

Thanks so much for sharing - your words resonate with me & it makes me feel a whole lot less alone.

Maybe your body's nervous system could do with a hand to help release (physically move) the experience (body memory) out of the system.

Move that "situation" out of your nervous system - physically.

The imprint of that experience on your (physical) nervous system. Release the trauma. Maybe once this starts to happen, you won't feel the same way. Maybe then, your body will feel the present & your brain will be here too?

Dance or shake it out.

Yell, sing, sound it out (vibration).

Run, punch or yoga it away...

Draw, paint or sculpt something new...

...to [create] renew a new (you).

...move it on - release it from your body & nervous system. I guess this would fall under "Trauma release therapy"?...but I'm not sure as I'm not a therapist or professional within any medical or healing field.

This is from experience - from recognising something in your words. And through this, being able to share what I feel would help....I guess this would mean = what helped me at this time (when I experienced what you are going through).

chillipower · ‎03-10-2023

see the issue is that the brighter days are here. i finally held out long enough to experience them. but the problem is that they make no difference. ive just always been like this. my guess is bipolar disorder but i hate self diagnosis. its something chemically wrong with me that makes me want to die. i need to try medication but ive been trying to get psychiatric help for months, no psychiatrists will take me on as a patient. even then i have no idea if medication will help me or not. ive just always been un happy. its an illness. think of it like a shadow. even on the brightest days, its always there. no mindset shift will change that.

i appreciate you taking the time to reply though, thank you.

smallwolf · ‎04-10-2023

I hear the deep frustration in your words. You've made it through the darkest days only to find the light still dimmed by this persistent unhappiness. That must feel so deflating, to have gotten what you thought you needed yet still be gripped by this suffering.

It also sounds demoralizing to be hitting roadblocks when you are trying to access care. But don't stop reaching out - the right psychiatrist is still out there. I noticed that you mentioned self-diagnosis ... have you chatted with your GP about the this? They might be able to help refer to the right place?

You've come so far surviving through the darkest times. Hold on to see this through. Brighter moments ahead are still so possible, even if it's hard to imagine right now.

chillipower · ‎05-10-2023

that’s the whole point of the psychiatrist i’ve been talking about. they have the power to give a real medical diagnosis and if it’s bipolar, are able to give me medication. that’s why i’ve been to the gp 5 seperate times for different referrals.

smallwolf · ‎05-10-2023

Sorry. I got a little confused when you mentioned psychiatrist and self diagnosis in the same post. I was also not aware that you had been to a GP 5 times. (Not everyone here knows to start there.) My bad.

Please forgive me and let me try a different path... What sort of support do you have at the moment? either family. friends or GP? work? Or tell me a little about yourself?

chillipower · ‎06-10-2023

you’re fine no need to apologise.

i don’t let any one into that part of my life. none of my family or friends or allowed to see that part of me. they continuously disappointed me in the past and have lost my trust. i have no support network or people i talk to. i kind of prefer not talking to people about it, every time i’ve done it i always regret it deeply. i used to have a friend that i could talk to if i wanted, i loved them like family. but one day they just randomly cut me out of their life with no explanation. as for work, i’ve been unemployed for the last year, but im starting a new position in a few weeks.