Curious if anybody feels the same?

[ChildHeart]

Hi,

I am new to the forums with only a few posts and to be honest, was unsure if I was even going to post on this topic but you all seem so understanding and compassionate that I have decided to do it.

First of all, know that I am safe and not in any danger I just want to talk about my feelings and maybe see if I can get some clarity on things I've always been scared to talk about.

I was suicidal numerous times in my teen years (I'm well into my 30s now) and well..okay so I've been to those quick ten set therapy sessions they hand out three times. Whilst I was able to talk some about losing my parents, I never got around to talking about this. I'm not sure I was even ready to and was scared if I said something they could take action even though I wasn't in danger at the time but my anxiety was making me a little paranoid about it. Anyway, I managed to keep my thoughts and such to myself for the most part and not go into a lot of personal details my parents eventually found out about what I will call my last attempt (I was 17). I guess I was expecting a hug and maybe some questions on why I would feel that bad that I wanted to end my life at that time, but instead, I was met with anger and what kind of felt like blame. Does anybody know why this reaction happened? I guess it's something I have always wanted some clarity on. I mean, I know it would have been a shock to my parents, but I wasn't expecting that reaction. Needless to say, I never spoke about my feelings again at least not to them and not in that way. I just internalised everything.

The other thing I wanted to say is I've had feelings as an adult about it all it comes up sometimes yet there's thing knowing in me that I couldn't act on it so they end up just being mere thoughts but do others experience this? You know, the deep knowing that you can't do anything, you won't do anything, but yet the thoughts are still there and you kind of just sit with them until they pass?

I'm just curious if anybody feels the same or perhaps could share their opinions or experiences on the matter?

Thank you. 🙂

[ChildHeart]

Hi, again mmMekitty!

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear all that about your parents' reaction and how your situation was handled. Especially about you having to keep it quiet. I wasn't told to keep it quiet but it was pretty much understood that it wouldn't be spoken about again. I did have another almost attempt after that time with my parents which was about a year later and my mother didn't know I was back in that situation again.. back to that. But, she had found something out and wasn't pleased and as I wasn't home at the time she yelled at me on the phone and I kept thinking if only you knew what was on my mind right now. But I had already gotten to the point where I was internalising most of my thoughts and feelings at that point anyway. So do comprehend that people will criticise and fear and even dismiss what they can't understand, but when it is something as serious as this, why isn't there at least some effort on other people's part to try to understand and show some form of compassion? Ok, some feelings like anger and confusion might come to the forefront initially, but why does that never seem to change?

"I wonder where was any support for you while you cared for your parents? I keep thinking how difficult that was, & how well you did looking after them, while they were dying. So strong, you. So strong. I'm proud of you."

Simply put no, none. The slightly longer version is that we were getting some random visits from some organisations that are supposed to deal with families acting as carers and they came and had a quick chat and that was that. We did initially have a lady who came for two hours every Tuesday to sit with my mother so I could have a break but she always got my mum upset and when she left my mother was crying and unstable which meant I would have to pick up the pieces when she left. It was quickly ended because it wasn't helping anybody and I ended up having to stay at home anyway in case my mother needed me because as I say, she made my mother upset a lot. I tried telling my sibling who lives overseas and was overseas at the time that I was having difficulty dealing with the situation and he simply asked me to stop talking about it because it was making him upset so yet again I internalised it all. I couldn't sleep at night I tried not to in case my parents needed me and spent most of the nights in a panic or crying. It was yeah.. difficult I guess.

Thank you for saying I'm strong and sending your care and compassion. ❤️ ❤️