Constantly in this negative train

PocketRocket88 · ‎24-06-2022

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

Sophie_M · ‎19-08-2022

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thanks for sharing this update. Our team will be reaching out to you as we're concerned and want to offer some support.

If you are unsafe, please call 000 straight away. There's also our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14. We are here for you if you ever want to chat as well on 1300 22 4636.

Thanks again for sharing, and for being an important part of this incredible community. We're here for you, PocketRocket88.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Bob_22 · ‎20-08-2022

Hi PocketRocket88,

Its good to hear that you love the work you are doing and that you feel it is keeping you safe. I'm sorry that you have been struggling with your manager recently. Might I suggest that you have a conversation with your manager with some of the feelings that you have mentioned. It may be useful to come up with one or two examples that illustrate your point before having a chat with them. In these situations it is best to be open about how you've been feeling recently and why you've been struggling at work. From there it is easier to gain perspective and clarity on the situation. Hope this helps a bit.

Bob

PocketRocket88 · ‎26-08-2022

TW STRONG SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES

The feeling of you got caught and is now stuck in this constant loop which goes you wake up in the morning get ready for work go to work finish work get home have dinner go to bed then repeat again the next day... My life is like that say 'same stuff, different day's. Nothing exciting just repetitive tasks... The feeling of your only existing and not really living your life...

I know that at some point in my life I was a normal happy little kid then one day something didn't fit and has just dragged me all the way to this point.it seems like no matter what I do, this hole Ive dug keeps pulling me back in it. Nothing seemed to be working or atleast in the long run... The only way out that I see is to make this hole a permanent resting place... It feels like a cowardly act but I feel it's the only solution to this never ending problem and the only one that I haven't tried yet.. but when I do there will be no turning back from this...

Sophie_M · ‎26-08-2022

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thank you for sharing an update with the community, and letting us know how your days have been going.

We're really glad you could share here, hopefully we'll hear from the community at some point. In the meantime, our team will be checking in with you privately. We hope that's ok. You could also reach us directly on 13000 22 4636.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe such as calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 or an existing professional support. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Thanks again for your openness in sharing with us here, PocketRocket88.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

therising · ‎26-08-2022

Hi PocketRocket88

It can become so incredibly frustrating and depressing, when you can go for years or even decades never having met that one person or that group of people who can make all the difference. Until we meet them, we can be stuck feeling no difference at all, especially when it comes to better understanding our self and the way we tick in incredibly unique ways. I've found that typically the folk who make the difference to me don't live inside the square.

I typically prefer to associate with sensitive people, people who have the ability to sense/feel so much. They can relate to just about any emotion - Boredom, a sense of disconnection from life, a sense of joy, inspiration, what it feels like not to be 'raised' by people (out of feeling 'down'). Sensitive folk can sense/feel people's moods, when the weather leads them to a greater sense of energy sometimes and they can even sense 'reality shifts' in a way (a strange kind of feeling that can come with a significant change in personal perception). They can feel their internal dialogue and what others say to them and they can even feel other people's inaction or complacency. They can feel being shut down, put down and brought down. The list goes on and on. It's a massive challenge, to be 'a feeler' or 'a sensitive (person)', an enormous challenge at times. It can get pretty exhausting too.

Would be fascinating to know who you were as a kid. I imagine you to be perhaps someone rather natural who maybe struggled with all the things that challenged you about this world, all the unnatural or depressing things.

I think most of us are naturally born to feel but are rarely ever shown how to do it constructively. If anything, we're more so led to shut that part of us down, which can lead us to the point were we have no idea what we're feeling.

I can relate to that 'Groundhog Day' sense, where every day feels the same. Kind of like you can feel yourself slowly dying, as opposed to feeling yourself coming to life. While that may sound depressing to some, it's simply the best way I can think to describe it. I know that feeling all too well, one that pushes us to go outside our comfort zone.

PocketRocket88 · ‎27-08-2022

Today I woke up really off again... I just spent like 10min weeping outside my work... I don't know why or even understand what I'm truly feeling right now... All I know is that I'd rather not be here now than go thru this day in and day out.... I can't handle feeling like this anymore... I truly and honestly over this that I don't think I'll stop myself anymore from doing something that would end all of this... There's nothing in this world for me so why keep fighting coz I sure he'll don't have any fight in me anymore... Everyone is better off when all of this ends now... I can't imagine how relieved everyone will feel after it's done... Hopefully they'll see it as' I didn't have a choice but to end it' OR that ' its what's best for me at this moment' which truly is the best option for me right now. It always seems like no matter which path I take it always leads me to this point over and over again... So I truly believe that it's God's way if telling me that it's time to let go and let it happen and that everything and everyone will be alright when it's done... It's time for me to rest as Ive fought like Ng and hard to get here and there's no other way but finish my story with a dot. No amount of support and help will fix something that can't be fixed anymore. enough and will never be enough...

Bob_22 · ‎27-08-2022

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry to hear that today has been another rough day. We are very concerned for you here. Please if you have any negative thoughts contact one of the below:

Beyond Blue

Suicide Call Back Service

Lifeline

Have you contacted your community mental health team from the hospital recently? Or spoken to your psychologist and/or GP? It may be worth having another discussion around an admission to a public or private hospital. I think I may have asked before but do you have private health insurance?

Bob

PocketRocket88 · ‎27-08-2022

Community mental health team isn't in office today as it's the weekend.... I haven't seen a psychologist or psychiatrist in the last month or so. The mental health triage line often times aren't that helpful. If I rock up at my local hospitals ED , their mental health team will just discharge me no matter what I say even if I'm a risk to myself... Ive been trying to get onto any of the services you mentioned above but couldn't get thru... So I truly feel that I'm alone and that there's nowhere or anything i can do to help myself tonight...

Bob_22 · ‎29-08-2022

Thanks PocketRocket88 for the update. Have you been able to get a hold of anybody today or yesterday? It may be worth calling your psychologist or psychiatrist office to ask for an early phone appointment. I would discuss with your psychiatrist the need for an extended hospital stay also if that is something you still believe you will benefit from. They should be able to provide options as is their duty. Hope all is well.

Bob

PocketRocket88 · ‎29-08-2022

Ive tried asking for voluntary admission but got turned away coz they didn't have a bed... I was just in hospital last night and was discharged even when Im a risk to myself... Hence why I question why even bother having the talk to the MH team at my local hospital when they'll just discharge me no matter what I say .. and so today i've been trying to challenge this thoughts and urges all day by doing the pros and cons... And it seems like giving into the urge is winning so far here's why...

I'm in a public housing
I'm still broke even if I'm working
My local hospital doesn't give a damn on what I do to myself and seems to not care when I'm not safe to be at home alone
My local police treats my problem like it's a joke or I'm seeking attention
When I'm gone there will be less burden to my family, friends and the world
I'm 33 and single
Only have one or two friends only
An addict who can't kick the habit out even when going to rehab which I failed into staying longer or not completing the treatment
My work is not a career job and it can become unstable where possible.

So yea, if those aren't valid reasons then I don't know what is... If only there was a few good thing in my life right now, then and probably only then this negative thought and urges will stop... At this moment the only good thing I'm life is having a roof over my head, food in my tummy and a job to look forward to. Wish those were enough to keep me fighting but it's not the case unfortunately. I don't think I have enough time to wait for anything good to happen anymore..