Constantly in this negative train

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

We're sorry to hear about that experience with the hospital, that must have been really frustrating. It's good to hear you've been trying to challenge these throughts and urges all day, are there any other ways you know of challening them other than the pro's and cons? We're really glad you could share the things that are troubling you here, though.

Our team will be checking in with you privately. If you are unsafe, please call 000 straight away. There's also our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14. We are here for you if you ever want to chat as well on 1300 22 4636. 

Thanks again for sharing with us here, PocketRocket88.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

Wow, you have a lot of triggering people in your life. Wondering whether you have just a couple of friends because most other people are those you can't relate to or are triggering or depressing to various degrees. Personally, I used to think 'What's wrong with me?' so often until I began to wake up to a whole different perspective. That kind of waking up comes with it's own challenges. At 52, I've just managed emotionally detaching from my father and my husband of 20 years. The kind of guilt and questioning that comes with that can really mess with you 'til you reach some constructive mind altering conclusion, such as 'Those people have led me to feel depressed for years'. Then you've got the folk who don't obviously depress you. They don't necessarily bring you down but they leave you vibing in 'down'. They just leave you there to try and work it all out for yourself or tell you stuff you've heard a million times before, nothing that holds any constructive management plan. Might sound a little like 'You just need to be more motivated' or 'You just have to stop being so negative'. The list goes on. And when you ask 'How do I manage to do that?', the response can be 'I don't know'. You can feel like saying 'Hell, I don't know either, so join the club'.

Once I started to wake up to the depressing nature of people who can leave us in 'down', I started becoming more observant. It blew my mind how unconscious some of them were. Once you begin questioning, in come a whole new set of labels. I've been labeled as b***h, difficult, confrontational, angry etc etc. Imagine saying to the people who couldn't find you a bed 'You need to find me a bed. I'll wait here 'til you do, as you have no idea how incredibly desperate I am. I don't think I can live without one'. Sounds reasonable to me. You've given the reason, you don't think you can live without one'. Do you feel it makes sense for them to say something like 'Now, you're being aggressive'. I would say 'I sound aggressive because I am fighting for my life'? To turn you away in such a fight without a plan is just plain depressing. When we can feel the nature of a person or situation, it can be so heartbreaking. My heart aches for you.

[PocketRocket88]

I was just in hospital today AGAIN!!! It's tiring to keep telling emergency services to take me somewhere else but instead they wouldn't listen that they just force me to go to my local hospital... I try to explain why I don't want to go there but that doesn't do anything... I didn't want to go last night as I know I'll just end up in the same situation again but because the only person I trust in the mental health team of my local hospital was on shift, I decided to go so that I can have a chat with him and come up with a proper plan... Got there and waited as they were busy. By the time they (mental health team) caught up with patients and it was my turn to be seen... To my surprise it was a different person and its the one I called out his nonsense on things... So I asked them to leave and that I didn't want to talk to them as I know what the outcome would be... But instead they pushed and pushed that the conversation was so forced that it was uncomfortable for me... Even after all that they decides to discharge me even when I verbally asking that I need to be admitted... They wanted me to go home in the wee hours of the night making me feel that I'm being forced out at that moment... They even provided a taxi charge where in past when I asks for one they always say that they don't provide one anymore. But I persisted and stayed in the ED til the morning.

When I woke up this morning, I told the Dr that I need to talk to the mental health team again but that depends on who is on for that shift... Lucky it was one other guy who has made a good care plan for me sometime ago. Spoke to him and told him everything. I decided to go home because I wasn't getting to anyone's head in that place anyways... Even though I know that I am still suicidal and that it's more intense than lats night which I'm still battling right at this moment... Im now thinking of whether I should take myself to the hospital I trust and has looked after me well before... It's a long way from where I am now but I know I'll get the best possible care with them... It's just that I'm now finding it hard to leave my house to go there...

So now I'm sitting here in my house alone, with all these strong negative thoughts and urges with no one I can truly turn to for help... Now I'm definitely stuck and all I can think of is that it would definitely be nice to be free from this agony and suffering right now...

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thank you for letting us know how things have been going overnight and this morning. It's good to hear that you're thinking of a few ways to stay safe. 

We hope you don't mind that our team may be in touch privately, to check if you're ok and see if we can help. If you're feeling unsafe in the meantime, Lifeline are available on 13 11 14, and 000 is the number to call if you're unable to avoid acting acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm.

It's good to hear that there is a hospital you trust that is reachable to you. Maybe you could share with the community what helped you to trust them?

Thanks again, PocketRocket88. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry you had another bad experience in the hospital last night. It sounds like you are unable to make much progress with the hospital and the staff there. Is it possible to contact the mental health team from the other hospital you mentioned? I would encourage you to reach out to them as well as your own doctors to explain the crisis you're in. Keep us updated and please stay hopeful. 💙

Bob

[PocketRocket88]

Was just in hospital not too long ago... This time the cops stayed until I was seen... I sat in that ED for like over 5 hrs... When I arrived the mental health person I trust was on shift again and it's busy AGAIN then their running behind AGAIN!!! So was hoping to see h but instead I saw the same guy the night before... Surprise surprise IVE BEEN DISCHARGED AGAIN!!! Even if clearly Im in crisis and in dire need of help like an admission... But Noooo my local hospital seemed to prioritise the liability if I come into hospital and something happens to me than my safety... The doctor I spoke to tonight has actually confirm this by accident... 

It hurts when you hear that they prioritise the hospitals liability if something happens to me whilst in their care than my own safety... This brought me more deeper into thinking that no one cares when I'm gone... I thought I was making it all up in my head... Having that thinking plus all the negative thought and urge is really hard to manage and control specially at this very moment... It seems like I ain't going anywhere but here... I don't know if I would like any help from that hospital and any services that's associated with them... My life is not important to them so why should I care about my life?

[Sophie_M]

Hi PocketRocket88,
 
Thank you for continuing to trust the forums community with your struggles and difficulties, although you have currently lost hope, we are grateful you are still seeking our support. We want you to know that we see your life as important, and it should not be measured by your interactions with this hospital. No service should make you feel diminished, unheard, or unvalued when seeking support and care, we are so sorry you have had this negative experience.
 
We are having one of our counsellors reach out to you tonight, we wish to offer you a chance to express your frustrations and discuss possible alternatives to the “Endless loop”. If you miss their calls, we encourage you to contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 224 636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat.
 
The Suicide Callback Service is also a great service to contact when experiencing negative thoughts and urges, their supportive team of professionals can be accessed via Suicide Callback Service or by giving them a call on 1300 659 467.
 
Please remember that if you feel you are in danger or you do not feel safe, please call emergency services on 000.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

That's just horrible and so disappointing. It's all so triggering, leading to wish I was there so that I could try and make some difference to you. It's hard on the forums here, to put yourself across in exactly the way you'd like. You don't get to see me and I don't get to see you. You don't get to witness or feel the warmth I have towards you and I can only imagine your desperation without witnessing in person. Here we are, with this opportunity, doing our best to communicate as much as possible, under the circumstances.

Based on my own experiences with depression, I've come to realise over the years that the mental health system will only take me so far. It does not go beyond what it's designed to do. Unfortunately, Carl Jung's groundbreaking take on mental health at the time was not weaved more into mainstream psychology, not as much as it should have been. While he and Freud existed at the same time as reputable psychologists, Jung's take on mental health and psychology, compared with Freud's, involved more of a soulful aspect. So while Freud may have asked what turning someone away from hospital does to a person's mind, Jung would have asked what impact it has on both their mind and soul.

Might sound like a strange question but do you kind of feel like you're at the end of the line with the psychological side of things, witnessing a depressing lack of help in this area? Could psycho-spiritual be more along your lines? It's a fascinating area of psychology. Sometimes, when someone hears the word 'spiritual', they're tempted to think of 'woo woo stuff'. Simply put, it's about there being more to us than just a mind (defined as 'the brain at work') and a body. There's something deeper which, in some cases, is overlooked. It's about a soulful connection to life, which can help explain a desperate longing when it's not there.

[PocketRocket88]

I don't know... At this moment, it feels like I'm hitting a dead end each time I try to help myself or do something that would help me... I'm not a spiritual person so taking on that idea will take a long while before I'm truly comfortable with it. The really question is 'do I have enough time to actually get there or to somewhere I wanna be?' coz it feels like my days seemed to be numbered... Just don't know what or how to give myself time to feel better... It's easy to just give up which I've done already... It is what it is now and what will be, will be... 

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry to hear that you spent another night at ED and had another awful experience. I can't believe the doctor mentioned prioritising the hospital's liability. That's kind of gross. I would make a complaint to the patient liaison officer if I were in your shoes. You can usually find their contact info from front desk/reception. 

Were you able to make any progress in terms of contacting your own psychiatrist or the community health team from the other hospital you mentioned?

Bob