Constantly in this negative train

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

[PocketRocket88]

TW SUICIDAL IDEATION, SELF HARM AND RISKY BEHAVIOURS

Was taken to my local hospital yesterday  and within an hour and a bit I got discharged. I was abit agitated when I left and was feeling some kind of pressure within me almost up to the brim. The voices still constantly nags me about how good it would feel if I just do one thing to hurt myself… by the time I got home, I couldn’t tolerate everything I was feeling and that nagging voice and so I caved into what it’s saying thinking that it will stop but it didn’t… that voices still nags me to do more pushing me further down.. I don’t feel good for what I did to myself but I just couldn’t stand that feeling anymore… now the voices are suggesting for me to do more  to myself and see what happens…

im at a friends place atm which is preventing me from doing anything to myself but I gotta go home soon and go to work abit later…

[PocketRocket88]

I got a GP that I trust and has looked after me thru the years then got a psychologist that I see weekly for the last few weeks. Was on medication ages ago then it was changed a year or two ago and now not on meds or waiting for a medication review. Don't have money to pay for a psychiatrist which means I have to go thru a govt funded one like Medicare. I've been approved for NDIS which I got a support coordinator and a carer, just waiting on the behavioural therapist and other support services. Was doing a DBT group therapy under my local hospital but was discharged from the group because of the frequency of suicidal behaviours that elads to hospital admission that then affects my attendance but is hopefully be accepted to another DBT group that starts early November.

What does a person with BPD needs, like support medications and therapies?

[PocketRocket88]

TW SUICIDAL IDEATION AND SELF HARM URGES

Have you ever wonder if your ACTUALLY Living a life you dreamt of or are you just merely trying to Survive? That’s what came to mind the moment I woke up, that I’m just surviving to get thru the day without any problem. I felt like this for sometime now, and still feeling that living like the way I am for the last couple of years isn’t beneficial to everyone… can you just Imagine a world where I don’t exist, the world will have one less headache one less troublemaker one less addict one less person suffering from different issues physically mentally and emotionally one less burden in this world.

Gosh that sounds pretty good to me., To be honest, I’d rather that right now, or if just wasn’t born at all because I wouldn’t want anyone to live their life like how I’m living mine right now…  Every time I shut my eyes, I always wish and hope that I will never wake up but then when I wake up the next morning , I just go and survive each moment of the day…

I don’t know what I want my life look like or at least how my life should be by now, it’s because I’ve been stuck in this rut for awhile now to a point that I don’t even know what happiness is anymore… 

these voices are still nagging me to Self harm again… The thoughts and urges just comes and goes whenever they like that a sense of pressure within me builds up to a point that eventually I will just do it without hesitation. I strongly believe that this is how it will be now, having complex needs and rely on the government funded services… I will just keep going round and round until that moment I say ‘it’s enough, it won’t get any better than this…

[PocketRocket88]

Just realised that how I'm living this life and what I'm doing to myself is, in its own merit, is like slowly bit by bit I am, in a way, killing myself and once Im not successful at doing anything to make this happen I then turn to self harming, which is in a way punishing myself for not doing a good job in finishing this story... See even with hurting or doing a suicide attempt I'm failing too...

My entire life upto this very moment, I have been a failure couldn't get anything right... My family was right when they've been telling me growing 'why can't you just get something right?'. Now I believe that I can't get anything right and so why not make my last one be the end of all this then and only then my family can finally say 'she successfully ended her story the way she wanted it.' 

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

I'm very sorry for being slow to get back to you. It's been a hectic week unfortunately. Im glad to hear that you've at least got some supports in place. But I'm sorry that you've been particularly unwell with thoughts of self harm continuously. Did you have a chance to see your psychologist after Tuesday to talk about what you're going through at the moment. Did they provide any support or useful tips? Thinking of you 💙

Bob

[PocketRocket88]

Hi Bob, I have told her about how my mental health is in somewhat decline this past week or two as well as the self harming incident a couple of days ago... We are starting to come up or update my safety plan next week...

It's exhausting to always try to keep up with life on its own but living it with more baggage than you'd really wanna carry makes it more harder to keep up... It seems to weigh you down everytime you sort off starting to catch up .. it seems that life, for me, just doesn't want me to get and feel what every normal person would... Where I'm at now is like both my feet are glued on this situation and that I'll die here... No one, so far, could come up with what and how to make things more tolerable for me... All I'm doing is just wake up go to work or go to appointments get home then sleep and then repeat. It's like the same crap but different day's..  i feel like a broken tape recorder coz it's the same issue every waking day... Hence why each night and all day I just don't want to ever wake up again coz it's better that way ..

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry again for the delay. I have also been grappling with my own inner demons of late and have been struggling with rejection. I'm sorry that you feel stuck. Please know though it will not be forever, you are making great strides and doing all the right things. Many people would not have put as much effort in as you have so you can be proud of that. The fact you are still working is a testament to your strength. Unfortunately recovery can take some time but it is worth the wait. You will get there. 💙

Bob

[PocketRocket88]

Thanks I probably needed that reassurance from someone who went thru the similar if not smart struggles as I am...

These voices are annoying and gets louder each time I push them away... The constant nagging of everyone is better off when I'm gone and that I will be doing every one a favour once it's all done and over with... Bit by bit I am giving into what they want me to do. They're making such a good argument as to why it's better to just give in and see what happens... These past few days has been more challenging than ever coz it's not just a thought or an urge but it's more of the actual planning. I've spoken to someone thru webchat not too long ago and that made me feel abit better but now I feel like I'm slipping back into what the voices wants... I'm trying to self soothe myself but it's not doing much so I'm left with either I go and stay out of my house until I'm feeling safe to come home or need to take a fair bit of my sleeping meds to force me to sleep which hopefully will reset my brain but the question is how much is enough and if I do wake up after which the voices are saying that they hope that I don't... 

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRockett88,

I'm sorry that you've been struggling with these voices more and more. You mentioned that speaking to someone through webchat made you feel better. Could this be something you do long term. I know there are online peer support groups available for people with mental health issues. I haven't used any so am not aware of any but if it is something you're interested in we can try to find one for you. As always, I would recommend you keep to your safety plan if you ever feel unsafe or are having negative thoughts. 💙

Bob