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Constantly in this negative train
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TW Suicidal ideations, urges
I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...
I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...
ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted
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I dont have. The. Perfect answer to the questions in my head and I feel like I'm slowly caving into the urge and truly believing my inner demons... It feels so surreal that I don't know which is reality and which is isn't.... Slowly I'm being consumed by these thoughts and I don't know if I want to fight it anymore... Why can't life be easy....
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Hi PocketRocket88,
Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling at work. But it's great to hear that you've tried to get in touch with your acute care team and that you've been finding the forum helpful. I hope your team and support coordinator are able to come up with some practical and immediate help for you. Have you been in touch with them since Monday? TC 💙
Bob
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I just had a meeting with numerous people this past 2 days.
I met with key people at work and have assured me that they will try to support me every way possible... That I can take a break from work if I need it... I can also access the medics anytime on site anytime I need someone to talk to.
Then I met up with my new Carer today, she's good and hope that she'll be a good fit for me... I also had a chat with my support coordinator about things that we need to accomplish hopefully soon...
Today has been a positive day with a few things done... Now I sit alone at home, these thoughts and urges just came rushing in, I try to ignore them ... Probably it's better to force myself to sleep this early,,,,
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Tw suicidal thoughts, urges and doing risky behaviours
I woke up early today with my mind racing, thoughts after thoughts, the intensity of the urge just keeps getting worse each time, and anxiety levels are high… so I tried self medicating by using illicit drug which often times help calm these things down but today it isn’t doing anything at all. I’m most definitely high as a kite with strong suicidal thoughts and urges… the thoughts and urges is about 2 different things, one is to just relieve this pressure I’m feeling inside then there the more extreme one which could possibly end my life…
Im about to go on a Telehealth session with my psychologist soon. I will surely tell her what’s going on at this moment most specially the vivid mental images of how to end my life . I do hope Im able to get some tools or anything I could do to help myself through this. I don’t know what I’d do to myself if I come out of this psychologist session with nothing but these stupid thoughts and urges…
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Thank you for sharing this update. We're sorry to hear you're dealing with these vivid thoughts and urges.
It's good to hear you're about to speak with your psychologist via telehealth. If you feel unsafe after the session, please call 000, Lifeline on 13 11 14, or present to ED - there's help available.
Our team will also be reaching out to you to check in and offer some support, we hope that's ok.
Kind regards,
Sophie M
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Just finished with my psychologist appointment... She gave me a few things to try... But the problem is that I actually don't have any motivation to do anything but stay on my couch and smoke drugs...
These intrusive thoughts and agonizing Urges seems to not settle down, Ill try my best to do what I was told to try and do with the hope that I will be alright by the end of this... Or else, I may have to force myself to sleep in this time of day which then be risky too..
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Hi PocketRocket88,
Thanks for the updates. I'm glad to hear that you're being supported at work and that you've touched base with your new carer and psychologist. Sorry to hear that you're still struggling with suicidal thoughts. Don't be afraid to reach out to your supports or to beyond blue if you feel it is unbearable. I hope the tools you were given yesterday are helpful. I can understand how it must be difficult to implement when you have low motivation. Perhaps start slow and work your way up e.g. maybe go for a 15 minute walk once every other day if you've been recommended exercise, practice mindfulness for 5 minutes a day if that's what you've been recommended. Hope that helps. Let us know how you go. 💙
Bob
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I can’t sleep… took my sleep meds already and it hasn’t probably kicked in… although I need it to asap coz I got this itch to hurt myself…. The thoughts and urge has been constant all day… I spoke to someone from Sonder a and didn’t get much from them and so I went for a walk down the shop centre (which I ended up buying something That I shouldn’t have) then before going back home called a mate and went to his for a little bit then another friend came by to do a few things in my house and she just left not too long ago.. and so now I sit alone at home with all these thoughts and urges plus this nagging itch… what now? Should I call the triage line knowing that I might not get anywhere with them as well? Or should I go and have a chat to someone from beyond blue or should it be lifeline?
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Hi PocketRocket88,
Thanks for the update and sorry to hear that you're struggling with thoughts of self harm. I would definitely in these instances recommend reaching out to any of the following services. Links provided:
Regarding sleep, I have found a handy fact sheet which provides some great tips around sleeping strategy. I have definitely benefited from it: https://headspace.org.au/assets/Factsheets/HSP225-Sleep-Fact-Sheet-DP3.pdf
Hope this helps a little.
Bob
