Can't do this anymore

[mikotheawesome]

I don't feel safe at Mother's house. I tried telling my dad, but I texted him on my friend's phone and he thought it was my friend. I can't go to the police because they might not believe me. I don't think my Dad loves me anymore and my Mother is hurting me verbally and psychologically. I've had episodes where I can't control my body and it just wanders around and I feel that one day it's going to commit suicide for me and most of the time I can't remember what happened in these episodes. I see things and I hear things that aren't there and that no one else sees or hears and they tell me that my Mother is going to kill me. I can't sleep at night because the thoughts of suicide and the voices are too loud. I can't tell my friends but I need to tell my friends. The tape I so desperately put on the shards of my life is losing it's grip and I don't have any more tape. All I can do is watch as the pieces fall and shatter into tinier pieces waiting for someone to try and fix it and cut themselves. What do I do? I can't keep going through this loop. Again, and again, and again, it's all the same. What's the point of waking up to a new day when it's just the same as yesterday? My world is colourless but no matter how much paint I splash onto it, it stays the same. Same. Same. Same. I get so close to calling Lifeline, but then I back away because what if they call the police? What if the police put me in a foster home? What if the police don't believe me and place me with my Mother? I don't think anyone can help me now. I'm stuck in a hole at the bottom of the sea and no matter what I do I can't swim out. I'm scared but I'm scared of myself. The voices tell me the police won't believe me. The voices tell me no one will believe me. The voices tell me I'm stupid for thinking someone would. My happy hallucinations I once had can't comfort me anymore. What do I do? My friends can't help me. My dad can't help me. My family can't help me. Not even I can help myself. Because I lose consciousness and forget everything that happened. I'm surprised I'm even posting this because I'm worried Beyond Blue will send the police and everyone will hate me and the voices will laugh at me and call me a coward for not saying anything when it first happened. This is all getting too much. I just need peace and quiet and my dad to love me again and for everything to go back to the way it was when the voices were nicer and quieter and when my hallucinations still worked.

[Croix]

Dear Miko~

I guess the most important thing to say is of course I believe you. You expereince everything you say and life has handed you a pretty horrible time. It also sounds like it is getting worse.

You do not deserve a life like this, you deserve better, but to get it you do have to ask for help. The tape you put on is not holding - as you say yourself - so you need proper treatment, not just temporary things.

If you did not use your phone and your dad thought he was texting to someone else then  it's a bit early to say he does not love you.

All the things you think might happen, the police not believing you and sending you back to your mum, Lifeline doing the same, these ideas are not realistic. Any competent doctor will believe you, the things you talk about and the way you say them is enough to convince anyone. Tell them of fear, of the suicide possibility, tell htem of losing consciousness, tell htem of the voices. Other people have had the same and so it will not be strange to them.

The voices are not going to call you a coward, it takes time and courage to sing out and say all is wrong, however it can lead with time to a miles better life. I sang out and it was a burden lifted off me, I was not facing things alone and the made all the  difference.

I want you to feel calm and safe, with voices that are not against you but praise. You are old enough to  to ring Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) and just talk. See where that leads. (Tell them the truth, don't hide. That only makes things bad for longer)

I'd suggest you give you dad another go, but this time makes sure he knows it is you and that you are in real distress. Might turn out better.

If all else fails and you are really frightened ring 000 and tell them. I found the ambulance people that came out were gentle, sympathetic and wanted the best for me.

Meanwhile would you like to say if you have a favorite manga or anime? (Mine is the Ghost in the Shell)

I am worried about you and would like to keep on talking with you 

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi mikotheawesome

Congratulations for having the courage to reach out to our community. 

I can feel the pain in your words and am worried about you. Clearly you do not feel safe at home with mum, you are feeling alone and are experiencing some concerning “episodes”.

I believe everything you have said and I know that others will too.

If you feel the voices are getting too loud and/or that you are in danger of hurting yourself, please call 000. There is help at the other end of your phone.
LifeLine is another great option, and I don’t think you should give up on making that call. I know you have concerns about this option and a lot of “what ifs”.
But what if you feel less alone after talking with a counsellor? What if they can help you to access ongoing support? What if you can work out a plan for moving forward that actually works for you? 

I believe these things are possible. There is always hope for a better tomorrow. And from my own experience I can tell you that it can get better for you. It’s just a call but it could be the most important call you make.

You should not have to go through this alone. I think it’s really important for you to seek emotional support and professional mental health support.
You could try reaching out to Dad with your phone, talking to another trusted adult (for example an Aunt or parent of a friend) or if you are in school to a teacher or counsellor. You can also make an appointment to see your GP and ask for help.

I’m so glad that you took the first step to share what is happening for you. Please post anytime.

Kind thoughts to you 

[mikotheawesome]

Thank you Croix! 

It makes me much better knowing that people care about me whether they know me or not.

I'm not sure if this counts as a manga or anime: but have you ever seen any Studio Ghibli movies? I love them so much!! I'm also currently watching Hetalia!

Thank you for your support!

[Croix]

Dear Miko~

I'd not heard of htem so looked them up. They look file interesting fun. I want to find out more so I'll go and see if my library has a copy of Mami Sunada's "The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness" which gives a lot of background into  Studio Ghibli, theyy are in films, comics, mange and all sorts, a big concerns.

As for caring, it is only natural to care for some who is in trouble, and life has dealt you hard blow. Most people l, like me, come to the forum to find out more about their situation, but after talking to people you get to know some and try to help them out, it is a very caring place.

Summer asked about friends you might have ot give you support, you had one that lent you a phone after all.

Hang in there there and if you can let me know how you are going

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Miko~

Just popping in to see how you are getting on, I know how feeling alone can be when life makes things hard and also hard to expalin

Croix