Can't breathe

[lostblackbird]

I have been such a horrible, destructive force to people who never deserved it.

A physical overwhelming lingering sea sickness has enveloped me.

I can't breathe, can't think or function

The only thing more terrifying to living and being stuck inside the loop is not having the one person I love and feel so painfully attached to..because I push & break and destroy all that is good and so damn important..  that they will walk away & not want anything to do with me, to not have them near at all. Even though that is probably exactly what I deserve.

Panic, anxiety and total, permanent dread become part of me constant self & state of being. I feel overwhelmed and disorientated. I loathe myself for creating doubt, pain and stress , for creating chaos and drama. 

I don't want to be this person, I don't want to poison the world and the lives around me because I'm such a massive mess up. 

Just want to fall into a dark hole and never get back up. The world & those in my orbit would be far better off. 

[Croix]

Dear Lostblackbird~
I'm glad you returned as you sound very much like I did and I've improved a lot since then. I hated myself, seeing me as being the cause of all that was wrong and while for a long-time thoughts of those I was close to kept me from taking my life eventually that turned around. Instead of feeling I should be there for them I thought they'd be better off with me gone.

Sound familiar?

I can look back on those times now and can understand depression had taken over my thought and narrowed my view of the whole world down to just a few hopeless things. There was no hope. A small poisoned world

Of course I can see now how wrong I was, my thoughts were not my own, they were the result of the depression -though I did not realise that at the time. And the contempt I had for myself led me to believe those close ones would be better off. When I eventually told them of these thoughts, they told me they would have been shattered and heart broken and their lives would be under shadow. They would not have been better off.

I too made attempts.

Eventually I came to realise there was more in the world than I'd been seeing, I told someone else and that led to treatment, meds, hospitalization . Hospital was not a pleasant place but it did help, it got me away from normal life and that distance took a bit of pressure off. I could look out the window down many floors to the street outside, watch people going about their lives, and felt no need to be part of it.

I do know several years ago you were hospitalized, but do not know what’s happen between then and now. Has it been just as bad all the way though or did your feelings improve for a while?

It's very hard to accept your perceptions are wrong, but in time I did, and I’d imagine that if I can you can.

If I understand you correctly the one you care about has not left, you have not driven them away.

Croix