Bad Feelings Haven't Gone Away

[Patricia000]

Hi there,

Sorry to be posting again. Sort of just a follow on from the last time I posted a few months ago (October I think)? Same scenario, not much has changed other than I am feeling more and more stuck every day.

I genuinely don't see things getting better. I feel so isolated from my friends now, I have no energy to be the person constantly initiating anymore so now I barely talk with them because they never reach out to me first. I'm always the one who has to start, so if I don't, no one says anything.

I feel so detached from the person I was closest with for all of 2025. In the span of a year we went from best friends, to partners, then broke up and said we'd remain friends, but now a few months later I feel nothing but guilty and hurt by it all. I feel whenever we talk now he is just chastising me, telling me off for little things or teasing me or ignoring my messages. I know I likely need more time to adjust from how close we are to going back to friends, but it feels like he no longer cares about me at all, but will still talk and hangs out with our other friends as usual. We were so close and now he seems to want nothing to do with me anymore.

Any time I try to talk with people about how I'm feeling I break down in tears and can't articulate myself and then they don't want to talk to me about it and change the topic or don't engage with me for days afterwards so I end up feeling worse than if I'd just said nothing.

All the things I used to love don't bring me any sort of joy now and I can't think of a single thing I like that doesn't bring me considerable amounts of stress. My friends make me feel isolated. Food makes me worry about my weight. My pet dog is sick and animals in general (which I normally love) just now make me depressed because of my veterinary degree and all the stress that's giving me. 

I really don't want to be here anymore and can't think of many good reasons for staying honestly.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Patricia000,  

Welcome back. We're glad to see you back, although deeply sorry to hear how hard things are still feeling.   It sounds like that sense of hopelessness is really strong at the moment.

When we've felt that way for so long, it can feel impossible to imagine anything different. It's also clear that you truly have had a lot happen in the last little while - relationship breakdowns, friendship concerns, and stress your degree and about your beloved dog.  That truly is a lot to be managing, and it is understandable that things are feeling so hard when there is so much that you are carrying.

Trying to talk to others in your life about how you're feeling was a brave step. Unfortunately, sometimes the responses we receive aren't what we needed. Is there anyone in your life that you feel you can talk to (whether a friend, family member or professional)? It is a lot to be navigating on your own.  If you ever want to talk to someone, you are always welcome to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/. Lifeline (13 11 14) is also available 24/7 for when those thoughts of not wanting to be here are feeling overwhelming.  It's important you have a space where you feel heard.

How have these last few weeks been for you? Has there been anything in particular that has helped you through? 

You're always welcome here. Please feel free to let us know how you're going. You're not alone in this  💙

Kind regards

Sophie M

[smallwolf]

Hey,

Firstly, please don't apologise for posting again. This space exists for this and if it gives you somewhere to put things down for a minute, that's reason enough to use it. It has been that way for me over the years.

Feeling like you have to do the reaching out is exhausting at the best of times. It would be nice if friends checked in on each other. And then this all happening in the space of a year... it's not a long time to go from close friends to whatever it is now. That just sounds like it really sucks. Where there was once a whole relationship, there's just... a hole? If you are ok, I'd be curious to hear more about how that's actually been for you, if you want to get into it. No pressure.

Last thought ... When you talk about breaking down every time you try to speak, that tells me things are still very close to the surface. Which makes me think, and if it is ok... have you considered talking to someone professionally about any of this? Not because something is wrong with you, but because you clearly have a lot to say, and you deserve a space where you can actually finish a sentence without managing how it lands on the other person. What's your gut reaction to that idea?

[Adam11]

I know exactly what you’re going through. Struggling to find happiness in myself and anything, although it has been raining all day here which I do love and find it to be peaceful. 

Vet science is unfortunately the most stressful and emotional profession to work in for many reasons and I really feel for you. Animals over people every single day! 

All that I’ve achieved in my lifetime seems like a waste of time and I have no desire to spend any effort on the future. 

I’m looking for reasons to stick around too. 

[Patricia000]

Hi Smallwolf - thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am sorry I am so late in getting back to this - you've provided some lovely thoughts, support and ideas for me.

Some things have changed a little since I wrote the post above: I tried telling a friend (who is the best friend of the person I am no longer in a relationship with) about how I felt and, as always, I just ended up bawling my eyes out about it and have been feeling really guilty about that since. They did recommend that I reach out to the university wellbeing team, which I did. I got a referral and have had three out of six sessions now at a service that specialises in self-harm and suicide prevention. It's been helpful in getting me to stop certain behaviours, but I feel the underlying thoughts and feelings are all still there. We don't really have time to go in to/the service doesn't seem particularly focused on that side of things, more so trying to equip people better with what to do when those feelings happen. So, while I am finding it helpful talking to a professional in that regard, I haven't been able to really delve in to or "fix" how I feel.

I really don't want to be here and I am so tired. I feel so distant from my friends but I really can't keep reaching out - I am operating at such a low capacity that I don't know what to say or do, and any time I talk honestly about how I am feeling I only feel more guilty afterwards for having dragged someone I care about in to my mess. It was kind of my friend to tell me where to go and push me towards getting help, and they have offered to talk when I need it, but ultimately they still cancel their plans with me and don't seem all too interested in hanging out with me. I do not fault them for this at all, I think I am in a stage where I am too exhausting to be enjoyable to hangout with - I feel like such a bad friend and the whole thing just gets worse.

I had a chat with my former partner too about the lack of communication and how I'd been feeling regarding our friendship - they were very patient with me and assured me it wasn't my fault, but said that sometimes me reaching out and wanting to talk or hangout made them feel annoyed with me because things are different now even if we are still friends we're not that close any more. I suppose that hurt a bit because we were very close way before we were partners and I had been putting so much effort in to maintaining the relationship as friends only to hear that it was annoying them. They made it clear that they are working through those feelings themself and don't blame me for it, but I now don't know when I can and can't talk to them without it being annoying... I asked if they wanted space and offered to stop messaging and asking to hangout but they told me no and to keep doing as I was always doing - which I've realised has just upset me more in practice because I'll just get ignored or shutdown in response. And I'm so tired of stressing over whether I can talk to the people I care about or not.

This message is a bit of a mess, I'm sure I have left some important things out and it may not make much sense - but bit of an update ramble for you. I suppose in summary I am still feeling lost and very alone. I really don't find joy in anything I do any more and I have no idea where to even go from here - I am far too tired to try. That said, your message has made me feel a little less alone and I truly appreciate all that you have said. Wishing you all the best and hope you are doing ok. Thank you for your time in reading and supporting.

[Patricia000]

Hey Adam,

It really sucks, hey!!

I appreciate your kind words - thank you so much for taking the time to read and support. I am so sorry you are in a similar boat - it's tough and sucks and it sounds like to me you are having a really rough time when it comes to feelings about the future as well. What's been going on for you lately?

As for reasons to stick around: it's small, but if you liked the rain today, maybe that's reason enough for now. I know that's simplifying it massively and those things don't hold up much when you are truly feeling down, but I think it's a nice thought that maybe the reason doesn't have to be anything big. It's been raining all day where I am too, which I also enjoyed - I suppose we can be wet weather buddies 🙂 

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and your time with me. I wish you nothing but the best and hope for nicer days to come your way.

[Adam11]

Hi Patricia,

It was great to hear a response from you, thank you for sharing what you’re experiencing too. 

How are you going today? As you asked, I just can’t find any understanding of what the point of the past was. As for the future, leave me out. 

Things got a bit deep earlier this evening, but I have commitments over the next few days that helped me stay focused. 

And hey, tomorrow’s a new day. It’d just be great to get out of this funk!

Look after yourself.