At The End

[chociloni]

I'm scared to move forward. I have a dr and a psychologist, and nothing is helping. Please don't tell me to go back to my dr. No one around me seems to believe how bad I actually feel. I consider suicide all the time, I would do it but I hate pain. I don't know how to do it. Something needs to help me. I have been staying with my parents since having to move from my flat due to community violence. My father is critical and tries to argue with me, he is undermining. I need to get out yet I don't think it's good to be alone. I've considered going to a womens shelter but that doesn't sound like the right thing. I'm scared of things like hospitals and endless drs trying different meds that dont work, I dont need alone time staying in a hospital. I just need a mentor or a friend I need to be able to recover from what is happening for me but I can't it's too painful I am worried please take me seriously I need options I NEED HELP

[white knight]

Hi Chociloni, a warm welcome

I'm 67yo, amle, happily married for 12 years, several long term relationships before that, an adult daughter 33yo, have attempted once in 1996, retired, been on BB for 11 years a champion for nearly 10. I'm here nearly daily so if you reply here I'll see it and reply back. Am willing to come along for your ride so to speak. Several others might chip in also. Being peer advisors we use our own experience to steer you in the best direction we can. I have bipolar, dysthymia, depression and used to have anxiety but licked that 11 years ago. I've written around 250-300 articles for BB so some of those could be of use during our talks. In fact one, I'll post at the end. With these links you only have to read the first post so please, dont feel overwhelmed like its homework lol.

When in my 20's after leaving the Airforce I returned to my family home and it didnt work out with my mother that was dominating. I understand your issues there so it is something that I have some suggestions in mind. Firstly can you provide me with some more background, do you work? education? age? love interest?, hobbies? friends? Music? writing?

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

Take care. I'm here, no lectures, no pressure, we walk side by side.

TonyWK

[chociloni]

I left my flat in a major city (Perth) due to a community violence issue. It was horrifying. I came to stay with my parents for break. In that time I could see I could not go back to my flat. My parents live in a largish country town - 45000 people about 4 hrs south. I came to stay with my parents, its actually a really nice town and thought I should stay here as long as I can. I've been here 4 months now and I am crumbling. I'd like to go back to Perth but I have no options, there is the rental crisis, and I don't have anyone there to stay with long term. I am 45 yrs old and single, have kindof lost touch with a lot of friends due to being single and everyone being in relationships. I have many qualifications, including a masters. I now have a pt job in the new town, but there the rental crisis here too, I live in the downstairs part of my parents house and I feel trapped. I like being around with my Mum but not my Dad, he is argumentative. It is wearing me down. My plan was to work and save here, then try moving back to Perth at end of year. But I feel I may snap by then. Mental health services arent as good here. I have diagnosed anxiety but now I have become depressed. Every day is a struggle. 

[therising]

Hi chociloni

I'm so glad you left that horrible fearful violent situation. While violent people feel entitled in some way to express this part of them, there's often little consideration given to those around them.

So incredibly hard to live with a depressing person, especially if you're a deeply feeling person. Feeling every comment, every disapproving glare, every opinion they have, every judgement and even feeling the false beliefs about yourself they can put into your head can be so overwhelmingly challenging. Doesn't help when self esteem is low or the inner dialogue we've already got going on is challenging enough. Sounds like your mum's an upper and you're dad may be a bit of a downer. 

While my husband's a basically decent guy, over the years I've reached the conclusion he's more a downer than an upper. My 20yo daughter and 17yo son are my uppers in our household, my son especially. Uppers are more inclined to have open minded conversations, give you a laugh on the odd occasion, invite philosophy, growth and a sense of imagination while seeing new possibilities through their imagination. They can trigger a constructive sense of wonder as well. So, instead of being left to believe 'I'm worthless', someone who's an upper will question that. They will lead us to wonder why we think and feel that way about our self. Uppers can also be feelers, feeling deeply for others and expressing compassion and understanding. 

Wondering 'Mum, what can I do to the downstairs area to lead me to feel some or more joy? What can I do that will lead me to feel some excitement?' could be worth a shot. If she's a truly wonderful (wonder filled) person, she'll begin imagining for you and with you. She may have imagined your whole living area redecorated by the end of the conversation. Your dad on the other hand may be more inclined to say 'There's nothing wrong with it. Just leave it alone'. In other words 'No change for the better'.

I tend to see upper type people as guides who are inclined to lead me out of sadness, stress, destructive self beliefs etc and into or onto a path that holds direction and enlightenment of some type. Gravitating more toward our lighthouses in life (such people) tends to naturally steer us away from what can feel dark.