Dear New Member~
I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. I'm glad you came as, if I understand you correctly, you are heading down the same path I was.
I was surrounded by a world full of people, colleagues, friends and family. While I became more and more suicidal I tried to keep a calm exterior and told nobody anything. I convinced myself I was doing it for them , that mask of normality kept them happy in their lives.
That mask was insidious. It separated me from everyone so I was trying to deal with my suicidal tohughts in isolation -that did not work out well. It filled me with shame and hopelessness and I did try to take my life. Even then I thought I was doing it for them, getting rid of a weight off their shoulders.
Things changed, I had clinical help, therapy and medication. Plus a stay in hospital -which surprisingly did help. It got rid of the pressure under which I'd been living. You hear bad thngs abut some psych wards, maybe I was lucky becuse although unpleasant it left me calmer and more able to cope -and no longer hiding.
My family now knew, and that turned out good, particularly my partner, who did not really understand what was going on in my head but convinced me she's always be there -that was a comfort. She tried, and although at first I wanted to be alone eventually found it helped.
I'm now a different person. I have a life I mainly enjoy and would not want to give up. The suicidal thoughts are still there, but so much less and I can deal with them easily. I have a plan if they ever did recur strongly and use an app called Beyond Now, which is effective.
If you would like to say more we will listen and understand.
Croix
