18year old trying to quit sh

[Metalyst]

Hi, I’m new here, I’d like to start by letting everyone know I’m safe. I know this is the suicide and self-harm section, but I’d still like to include a TW just in case. I’m 18years old, and started self-harming when I was young. The first time it was out of anger and self-hatred. I didn’t realise then how addictive it would be. It’s now many years later and I still get overwhelming urges daily. I have tried many alternatives in the past in attempt to quit, including other unhealthy habits, but nothing comes close as a replacement. I’m currently 5 months clean, which is the longest I’ve ever been. I guess I’m posting here as I’m struggling to not talk about something that has such a large importance in my life. It’s a difficult subject, I can’t stand the look of disappointment or concern anytime I talk about it or someone sees my scars. Their whole tone changes and it makes me feel sick. I don’t like that something like sh has such control over me, but I feel like it might be me forever. I find nothing else feels as extreme. That maybe if I am in physical danger, people may recognise how bad the emotional and mental pain really is. At first it was strong emotions that triggered it, but now it’s on my mind all the time. I see it happening in my head, I remember the way it looks and feels. I don’t know what I actually want from this forum, maybe just support from people who get it? An audience who doesn’t make me feel ‘crazy’? 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

firstly, I want you to know that you are not crazy as you put it. It is also good to read that you are 5 months clean - as you put it.

Now, I am just thinking out loud based on what you have said, and it maybe the case the other person does not really know how to respond and this becomes evident in their tone. They may be "worried" about saying the wrong thing which can make it worse. Like I said, just thinking out loud. 

They may also turn into the helper and think you can't look after yourself? 

The scars bear witness to what you have been through and tell a story. It’s okay to feel conflicted and to struggle with talking about something so deeply personal. The fact that you’re here, looking for support, shows strength. Keep going, one day at a time—you’ve made it this far.

Listening

[Metalyst]

Thank you. I feel so far from strong, but I’m really trying 🙂

[smallwolf]

Thanks for coming back and replying. 🙂

I have been getting help for a few years now... And what I have passed onto you is similar to what some people said to me. And when you feel low it is hard to believe what someone else might say to you. That's OK. It takes time to find the light at the other end of the tunnel (for lack of a better analogy) and small movements forward will get you there. And if you want, in this space, I can walk with you...

Listening...