13 Reasons Why

[lizzie50]

I'm not sure if anyone has seen the Netflix series 13 reasons why. A young girl stating through tapes 13 reasons that lead to her killing herself, the people involved then reading the tapes. I just finished watching the series and it really hit hard to home for me, being able to relate to a lot that she went through and feeling like life just doesnt get better. I've had anxiety my whole life and depression severely in the past 6 months due to a nasty breakup with an emotionally abusive narcissist that still feels the need to belittle me and our relationship. I often take to heart what others say about me and care deeply of their opinions of me.

Before watching this show, i actually wrote several letters to people who have impacted my life both positively and negatively. I wrote one to my ex that was straight to the point of how he treated me and spoke to me hurt and how much words hurt. He left and broke up with me during a bad time for me when he was the only one i trusted enough to share my darkest thoughts. The letter pointed out all his lies and stories he made up about me, his fears and insecurities that led him to run away. I do blame him for the way i am now, for the emotional and mental abuse. Previously i've pointed out to him what is in the letter and how i have been feeling. It destroyed me even more how he reacted to it.

Telling me that all i do is play victim, ive ruined his life, i wouldn't take no as answer, every nasty name you could call someone, liar, cheat, dramatic, over sensitive. He claims he hasn't done anything to me at all, he simply just woke up and didnt want me anymore (lie) Telling me that ive caused my depression, he has nothing to do with me. He said me telling him my dark suicidal thoughts has pushed him over the edge and he doesnt want to deal with me because he cant see why and that im being stupid. That he wouldn't feel guilty cause I am just pretending to be upset to make him feel guilty and sad.

My point is that during the series i watched the individuals felt a great deal of guilty for what they had done to her. Why does my ex not see what his done? Why cant he accept his wrongs now rather than when its too late? What goes through a narcissist persons mind to not feel empathy or be mature enough to admit when messing up? I was baffled and heart broken to pour my heart out and get that response. The series really touched my heart and this was playing on my mind.

[Guest_128]

I am sorry for all your hurt.

but it is time for you to shine!

forget this maggot and live YOUR life. He never understood and never will!

he is winning,still owns you and sucking yourself dry.

CARPE DIEM

XO

[lizzie50]

Thank you!
I understand everything you've said, I know i will eventually get past this and I will look back and be like he was a horrible human. I feel ill always have a place in my heart from him as he was my first love, however he is a coward afraid of love and anything real. He lives in a world out of touch with reality, its scary and sad.

I feel obsessive and like my thoughts are taking over my mind, today while at work i just broke down crying and i couldnt even give a reason why because it just feels like its everything. I feel overwhelmed.

I am positive you are strong person too and you deserve nothing but the best!

[lizzie50]

Hi White Rose, thanks for the reply its lovely to hear from you!

Its crazy, half the time when we argued i honestly had no idea how it started, where it came from and what we were even arguing about. Most of the time i just agreed with what he said because i couldnt be bothered arguing, it was always after we had been on amazing dates and started to get close he would back away because he is a coward and afraid of being vulnerable. Its hard because I dont know what he thinks of me, i shouldn't care but god i really do for some reason. I am starting to trust myself more and know everything his said about me is pure lies. It was always over text too, in person he never said a nasty thing to me it was always the opposite and its so easy to hide behind a screen. Narcissist are toxic scary people, its worse they dont even see it. His friends and family obviously believe him and what his said about me, they think im a lying cheating crazy person. His mum however always said to me how scared he is of anything real and serious, anything that makes him real and makes him vulnerable, she said 'i know what his like, if you ever have trouble with him one to me' red flag there!! He was always angry if i spoke to her, monitoring us and would never let us be alone in a room together, i wasnt allowed her number nothing! Anytime she confronted him, he threatened to leave the house. Scary

That does makes sense to me yes, from experiences my older friends have said about it, it didnt work for them they felt it was worse for them. However as you've said its different for everyone, my GP is lovely and i trust his advice his always been honest with me about things. I have booked an appointment next week and i am actually looking forward to it, feels like i am making steps forward even if its just a doctors appointment. I really appreciate everyones advice on here and letting me rant all the time, its like im a broken record!

[White_Rose]

Hello Lizzie

Good to hear from you. This is the place to rant in safety and no one will think the worse of you because we have all done it. I must admit I smiled when I read about you crying at work, a nice friendly smile. I will tell you my story. I had become extremely depressed but was definitely not going to tell anyone at work. So I would get to the door of my office and put a smile on my face and breeze in. One morning I did this then got to my desk and realised I had left a piece of personal writing on my desk and bout how I felt. I was terrified someone had read it, no matter that it was highly unlikely, and I fell apart. Sat at my desk and cried.

The room gradually got quiet and a colleague came over to me and took me out of the room. Can you imagine how embarrassed I was, how humiliated I felt? Talk about let it all hang out, I made it so very obvious. No one commented about it for which I was thankful. My colleague took me to a local GP who wrote a referral to a psychiatrist and basically ordered me to go. In retrospect it was quite funny but it took me a long time see that. And that was really the start of my journey.

What you say about your ex being afraid of being vulnerable is true. He will always have the need to be the boss and will attack anyone who challenges him. It's amazing how they can make you feel in the wrong no matter what has happened. And then you miss them so much because they really appeared to be the caring sort. So comfort yourself that you will get over him and realise you got out of a potentially nasty partnership.

Take time to heal. Do all the things you like and enjoy the company of your friends. The dark days will end and you will be happy again.

Take your notes to your GP appointment and ask anything you want to know. I would love to know how you get on if that's OK with you.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear All~

I viewed the 13 Reasons Why series, I have not read the book. I wanted to give my impressions in case others were considering viewing it too.

OK, I do not want to give much detail - I do not recommend viewing it unless one has a valid reason for doing so - not just for entertainment.

I viewed it all after attempting to answer a poster (Lizzie50), wanting to have a more thorough grounding in case there might be others.

I found it overall a very unpleasant experience, a couple of scenes I had to cue forward though. I would imagine for any in this forum who have come into contact in some manner with suicide it might act as a trigger.

It is a well made teen-oriented drama, good acting and quite skillfully thought out, though set in a universe that only has 'attractive looking' people (not one overweight student I could see in a whole school?)

The publicity surrounding it maintains the series is a social good talking about 'conversations that we think are necessary to be had'.

It breaks many established rules on the portrayal of suicide, ignores the realities of mental illness and downplays the availability of support services. It emphasizes the gulf between teen and adult, portraying the latter as being mainly incapable or irrelevant.

As far as I can see those with the intelligence and judgment to be able to gain benefit from it would gain that benefit anyway in other ways.

Those that are more impressionable may be unduly influenced into thinking suicide is a desirable romantic action giving power and doing good, as well as being a vehicle for revenge and getting attention.

I am unsure of the effect on a person who only watches parts of the series, as I guess it would depend which parts were watched.

Croix

[lizzie50]

Thanks for the reply Mary!

The people i work with i have for years and one in particular feels like a second mum and she was so supportive to me and had said she noticed me acting different the past few days. Thats a lovely story, i dont think some people realise a simple thing can help so much. We had another argument just the other day, he made me feel so stupid and small. He said we ended 4 months ago and its stupid i still even care, still denies anything he has ever done to me. Says that my 'hobby' is to blame him for things and make him feel guilty for things he hasn't done, its amazing even me listing the things he did wrong and how much damage he caused and still deny deny. Sticks by his story of not being afraid of love and vulnerability and that i lied to him and cheated, when i pointed out he actually cheated he said 'we weren't offical' such a hypocrite mind you i never cheated. He created these amazing elaborate stories still to this day and its baffling. He gave me a speech that i need to grow up and take responsibility for my life and all i do is pretend to be depressed and suicidal. It really hurt when him knowing i had attempted to take my life and he thought it was childish and stupid and didnt seem to even care. Crazy, i was speechless! Then he switches and says how much he cares for me and would never want me sad and thinks i am amazing and wants me to be happy and safe, my mind cant handle it. However it finally hit me that he isnt going to change, he is a horrible human that destroys the people closest to him, he isnt going to admit his wrongs, isnt mature enough to face his insecurities, issues or fears. I deserve better.

My GP appointment went well, he is always so lovely to talk with. I took notes, we went through some good books for me to be reading, getting into a better sleeping pattern, got another referral to see my counsellor again also!

Hope you've been well x

[Haether]

Hi Lizzie - I just wanted to respond to your comment that you found it ironic that you were studying counselling while being counselled - my psychiatrist is aware of psychiatrists with bipolar (obviously not in the closet enough that he doesn't know, but pretty firmly in the closet) - I know the psychologist I see has seen a psychologist in the past; if you had diabetes and were studying to be an endocrinologist people wouldn't think twice about it, that would be considered a legitimate motivation to want to be a Dr specialising in diabetes treatment, and I don't think it should be less of a motivation for people with psychiatric illnesses, or who just need some help with life's difficulties. One of the world's leading experts in bipolar has the illness herself and saw a psychiatrist once a week for most of her life. As regards antidepressants, perhaps you could look for information regarding their effectiveness, particularly in comparison to alternative therapies.

[Lucy3]

Hi Lizzie

I had the 13 reasons why sitting on my shelf for weeks before I felt I was in the right frame of mind to watch it.

Everyone around me was talking about it, but I just couldn't bring myself to watch as my stress levels were quite high. Once I did decide to watch it, I watched the whole lot in 24hrs !!! Crazy !!!

I was actually quite surprised. But I think that's because I was in the right frame of mind. If I wasn't, I probably would have taken everything negative about it and twisted it to fit my life. But I didn't. The biggest thing I brought away from the show was the MASSIVE effect suicide has on the people who are left behind ! It is so sad. And even when you think all is lost and no one cares, there is always SOMEONE who does care and who will be left devastated.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All I ask of myself is to give myself another 24hrs and so far Ive had 1,981 24 hr hours 🙂 ( no I dont count lol, thats an educated guess 🙂 )

Also, in regard to your EX. Ive had one of those too. And the one thing I realized many years later, now Im in a very loving stable relationship is that all they want is power over you. And if you let him have power even though your no longer together, then he wins !! Dont let him. Take back your power. You have done the right thing, you have blocked him... Now do as I did lol. Move on and have a great life without him !!! My Ex contacted me 8 yrs after we split telling me he made the biggest mistake of his life leaving me as he has so many problems now. My response was you leaving me was the best thing you ever did for me as my life is great 🙂 Thats the best thing you can do, live your own life for you and only you. You come first always. Yes its ok to put others in there too, but with out you, life would never be the same. So look after You 🙂

Well done thus far and thanks for the 13 reasons why thread. If others read this and you do watch 13 reasons...try to find the good message in there 🙂

Thanks for reading