why does this feeling never go away?

[Guest_34375400]

ive always been different and felt different. at the end of each day, lying in bed, i think about who i am, how i feel, and how it seems that no one in my life feels the things that i feel, and then i cry. i have done this since i was little. i am so sad all the time. everything i feel hurts. 

i’ve never posted on any kind of forum before or asked for help or advice in this way - i just don’t know what to do anymore. i’ve cried consistently every day for the last 5 years. my heartache never ceases. sometimes i have good days, but when it’s just me, especially when im in my bed at night, and im left alone with myself, i think, i get overwhelmed and i cry. my mind won’t stop unraveling and questioning and replaying everything. i get stuck. ive tried almost everything. i’ve tried medicine, meditation, therapy, routines, teas, baths, candles, new friends, old friends, exercise, diets, hurting myself, not hurting myself, travel, sleeping, talking and not talking. i think that this is just who i am. and i hate who i am. i don’t know much about anyone else, but this is not what living is. my misery has taken up so much of my life. 

ive only just turned 18 and i cant imagine a future where i keep having to be like this every day and for forever. especially now in year 12, my life will just get harder and more challenging, and things will change and keep changing but i won’t. i’ll stay like this forever. does it ever go away? i can’t be stuck with myself like this forever. 

[sbella02]

Hey there, thank you so much for your vulnerability in posting here on the forums, we warmly welcome you.

Let me firstly say quickly, in answer to your question, yes it can go away. I know it's easy for me to say, but yes, it is possible to change and feel better.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. It sounds to me like you've been having a tough time for a very long time. Goodness, I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be for you. It must be so invalidating to feel like you've tried everything with little result. I admire your perseverance in looking for a solution to your pain, and I hope that this persistence is something you can be proud of as well. It can be challenging to keep going if you feel like you aren't getting anywhere.

While it may feel like you've tried everything, there are always small steps you can take to improve how you're feeling, which can hopefully give you more confidence to keep making those improvements. 

You mentioned that you've been to therapy before and also tried medication, may I ask what kinds of therapy you've tried, if you remember? There are many different therapy techniques used for many different purposes, and there may be some out there that you haven't tried yet that would suit you well. There's a technique called "eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing" therapy, for instance, that can be really effective for people who are struggling with difficult memories or thoughts from their past. This may not be the right fit, but there are other techniques just like this that can make a big difference, depending on what you're struggling with the most.

May I ask, what's troubling you the most? Is it a thought, a feeling, a specific event that's happened in your life? Narrowing down what exactly is keeping you in this low state can also help us refine the advice that we're able to offer. 

Here are a few fairly general techniques that you haven't mentioned that you may have already tried, but these tend to have worked well for me and others in the past:

• Listening to ASMR or relaxing YouTube videos
• Pursuing hobbies
• Taking on a project, or something creative (drawing, painting, cooking, gardening, building something)
• Journalling
• Screaming into a pillow or something similar that absorbs sound
• Sitting in nature for a while with no devices

I hope this advice is somewhat helpful, please feel free to keep chatting with us some more if you'd like to. Sometimes writing out how you're feeling can be really therapeutic, and I hope it has been.

All the best, SB