Wearing a mask

[white knight]

One of my favourite things I loved to draw as a child was a clown with a tear. I grew up with a brother that had to attend the Royal Childrens Hospital every 6 weeks. So when I got to around 23yo I became "Yobbo" the clown. I joined the Moomba clown club and learned how to make children laugh at that hospital.

It confirmed to me that we do wear masks of various levels. How many of us attend or host a bbq and have this great urge to talk about our mental status? I have and now after many years that it took me to accept that my illnesses should not dominate my conversations, my guests are clearly much happier. That doesn't mean they don't care, it does mean their ability to assist me is so limited that they prefer not to just listen to the internal cries I am exposing.

Yes, my admission, I now wear a mask. I push back my internal conflicts and join in with the laughter and interesting discussion. Is this good? Yes it is. A part of me says "you should be yourself, if you aren't feeling well then act unwell,,,,be yourself". But there is an overwhelming need to think of other people to and their needs. It's not all about me is it?

So how do we develop a mask? We have to relax and let things flow because although we should seek common topics like the weather, the garden and our kids, good friends move from topic to topic naturally. Admittedly during these mask wearing charades I'm often saying to myself "oh boy, I am not enjoying talking about how he broke his leg" but....he might not have like me talking endlessly about bipolar last month either.

So let the guest choose the topics.

Ask questions This will make the guest feel important, that you are interested in their life.

Generate topics by actions eg we have a bird feeder near our bbq. We fill it with seed before the event. Guaranteed our guests will talk birds when they come to feed. Have table tennis, darts or badminton handy.

Thankyou's Some time after your get together send them a text thanking them for attending. They'll feel important

No Guilt. Once your guests have departed don't feel bad about wearing your mask. You still would have had a reasonable time with friends. You can find other ways to vent or talk (like this forum, your doctor) if you have ongoing issues.

Take your mask off to the one or two gems of friends that can cope with it.

What do you think? Do you wear a mask? Do you think wearing a mask is a good thing? Do you have other techniques?

Tony WK

[Guest_322]

Hi Tony WK,

Great thread😊

It must have been very difficult for you growing up with an unwell brother.

I think a lot of people wear masks for a whole range of reasons. I've done it my whole life.

At school, no matter what was happening at home or how I felt, I was forever smiling and laughing. In fact, some teachers even commented on how they would miss my "happy face" and smile in my year 12 farewell book.

Now that I'm at uni, I keep things light; I laugh and act silly around my friends. I'm well aware that I risk losing friends if I dropped the act. Most of them wouldn't want to be around me if I showed them how I truly felt. Besides, who knows what they're hiding behind their smiles too.

Public face, private pain (many of us are in on this).

To me, it's not just a fear of alienating myself but it's also about survival. I put on a mask because putting on a mask helps- to an extent- to keep my true feelings contained. For a whole range of reasons, I need to contain those feelings; one of which is if I didn't, I would struggle a lot more to go to uni and get to work. So the mask is for me as much as it is for the people around me.

Again, awesome thread and that's my 2 cents worth.

Dottie x

[CMF]

Hi,

i wear a mask too and believe it or not when I wear it, and smile and laugh, sometimes I actually do feel better. I become the person I'm trying to put across.

not all the time though. It only works if anxiety or depression are mild. When they are sky high, nothing can cover them up.

cmf x

[Guest_322]

Speaking of masks. I'm meeting a friend later this morning.

On that mask goes...like so many of us, it's Happy Face Time.

Dottie x

[white knight]

CMF, that's the way to do it. Wear that mask until you actually enjoy it. Like its a way to fit in, to act a little zany perhaps but its far better than being a carbon copy of how your mind is actually acting out its depression.

Practice makes perfect. There's a time and place for everything. Sad as it might be, to hide your inner self, your moods, your suppressed feelings, its better to put on an act that eventually will become the norm. Excess of anything isnt good so I try to contain my zany or quirky side.

I think its a snowball effect. Put your ill mind aside, start with the mask and before you know it your guests have left and you feel a little pleased with yourself that you blended.

Tony WK

[Little_K]

This is a great Thread!

The mask is an awesome tool one which I use daily. Not always the same mask. Putting on that happy go lucky mask isn't always easy but sonetimes pretending to be happy makes you feel a little bit better. Just like a smile has a ripple effect I guess.

I find in my life I have been given many mask to wear. certain situations require the right mask, many of which can be frustrating. As long as the mask which we choice to wear doesn't hide who we are completely I am all for the mask. Fake it to you make it so to speak

[Star_Brite]

Hello fellow BB members, I for one also wear a mask because I feel that other people that are not suffering from anxiety or depression, can understand what it does to you. My Husband has no idea what it feels like on this mental roller coaster ride and tends to stick his head in the sand.

I have had quite a bit of experience with members of my Family from suicide to self harm and that makes me mask my own problems. I can put on my mask to the outside world and all is well. Having said that, I am a loner and do not socialise very much. I am the person that sits and listens and lets other people do all the talking.

For all of us that wears that mask, we are not alone. We need to get the word out there that help is at hand. We need to reach out to the male population that cannot cope and make them see living is better than the alternative.

Thank you for reading my post.

SB

[gld]

Yes, we all put on masks from time to time.

In some situations putting on a mask makes me feel a little uncomfortable so in these cases i need to drop the mask.

Treat people with respect and honesty is very important, surrounding yourself with people who build you up as well as make you feel comfortable, and look after your health and well being, could help you use less masks.

As long as we keep a yin yang and are true to ourselves other things will fall in place.

Gen

[Elizabeth CP]

An important consideration is the motivation for the mask. Tony's clown mask/outfit was donned not to hide but rather to allow him to effectively entertain the children in the hospital. This is an act of service consistent with his true self of helping others when possible. If our mask allows us to interact with others in a way which we are comfortable with because it ensures we don't put undue pressure on others who don't understand our problems or if it allows us time to assess a relationship before risking upsetting ourself or the other person by revealing too much too soon. On the other hand if we wear a mask to constantly hide our true self or act in ways that are not consistent with our true self then we have a problem.

[Guest_322]

Hi Elizabeth,

That's a really good point and thanks for bringing it up. I agree that Tony had some excellent reasons for his mask and that I see your point about his consistency- good one.

I guess everyone wears a mask for a whole range of reasons. My reasons lean more towards your mention of not putting undue pressure on others who might not understand my problems and not always knowing who to trust.

I mean, there are certain things that I didn't and don't necessarily want to share with people when I was at school or at uni now- not so much to be secretive but more so to contain the pain so that I can function (sorry, don't know if I'm making any sense). In my offline life, I open up to a few people but just not that many.

Great post and good points. Food for thought indeed.

Dottie x