Hi Shelll,
I'm not sure I do 'go into the grey', or not in the same way. I don't know. I had only lived - existed - for many years, convincing myself that I didn't feel anything, or care about much, beyond singing. Singing was an outlet for me, safer because I was singing someone else's words & feelings.
I'm sure I wan't eating well. I'm not sure exactly what I ate then, but no doubt, some things were for comfort, regularly eating for comfort. I used to sleep more than I do now. I sat in front of my tele to, listening to radio, too. Thinking I am interested, but I don't think I took in much.
I didn't question much then, going along with what others were doing, or suggesting, like I didn't know what I wanted, & that didn't matter.
I did paint some, then, ideas would pop up & I'd want to recreate them, even images from dreams. It was something which blocked other things out. The world, thoughts trying to be heard, feeling trying to be felt - I wouldn't allow them.
*
I think I wanted to do what you do, feeling your body & mind are seperate, or you are not attached to your body. I'd had dreams like that, but not quite in everyday life. During ver bad times, however, I sort of fell into my head, & saw things as if from a little distance, until I closed my eyes. It was useful, then.
* What about your Grounding tools? Is there something you can pick up, hold, & focus on, (😸maybe not chocolate), something which holds you, like an anchor, to this place?
I read people mentioning scented candles, a light, music, a cushion, teddy bear,. I knew someone who had a small rock in their pocket, just for this sort of purpose. My go to is music. The app on my phone certainly is good, because I am not passively allowing music in, but I have to do something to make it happen. Having to concentrate enough to do something, like write, play music, dance, garden, paint, use modelling clay, to make something, exercise, even gentle exercise where you concentrate on moving each limb, could help...I think doing something kind for yourself, too, something you are not going to hate yourself for, has got to be worth a try.
Why do you suppose you go to the chocolate?
& to make this post a little 'Venting' may I say, "IT's still raining!!!" I don't want to see the news, not all the flooding, not about war, not politics, not more tragedy... I need a break! I want to see some blue sky.
mmMekitty
