To apologise or not to apologise is that the question?

[quirkywords]

Welcome everyone.

I call myself the queen sorry as I'm always saying sorry whether things are my fault or not .

Someone could tread on my toe and I would say sorry .A friend will be late and I'll say sorry. You get the idea.

I am often being told I say sorry way too much and that could affect my self-esteem..

It is just second nature to say sorry. I am not aware of it until someone points it out.

I thought I know people who never apologize or rarely apologize but no one ever seems to say to them that they should apologise more.

So do you think it is worse to apologise too much or too little ?

I am interested in your personal experiences.

[Guest9337]

G'day quirkywords,

I wonder how far back in history the "customer always right", just "say sorry" to keep them happy, ethos goes back into history. You mention the 50's.

Would it be an expression of the Golden rule : Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?

If so that goes way back to early Confucian times, 600 BCE ish.

[Guest9337]

G'day therising,

I just looked up the etymologies of both "sorry" and "apology", very interesting.

Sorry comes from sorrowful just as you have written. So sorry can be just an expression of sorrow, rather than an apology.

Apology is a more formal, coming from a defence about an act.

Merriam Webster dictionary has an interesting webpage about the topic.

When Did 'Apology' Start to Mean "I'm Sorry"? | Merriam-Webster

Also wikipedia has a very interesting page on "non-apology apology".

Apparently these days people say sorry/apology without admitting fault, or being inclined to change/fix the issue.

[Ggrand]

Hello Quirky and everyone.....🤗..

I think I’m like you..I have and still do say sorry to people even though I know 100% that I didn’t need to...

I know for me saying sorry to someone..is me trying to protect myself from abuse..anger..being yelled at....I’ve been doing it since as long as I can remember....Sometimes the word sorry did protect me......and sometimes not..

I still do it today...but not automatically...I do think about it beforehand, what if I didn’t say it....what if I did say it....To save any hassles, confrontations and the person making me feel at fault, which isn’t hard for them to do with me....I get confused, want the conversation to end....then making me feel all guilty etc...to me it’s easier to just say sorry...to keep the peace..

Quirky.....my late husband said to me a few time...saying sorry means nothing to him..He never apologised at all...because he was always right...

Take care everyone....

Grandy...

[quirkywords]

The rising

Thanks for your detailed and well reasoned reply. I know I say sorry as a reflex and to avoid conflict.
what about people who never apologise because they feel they are always right should they be encouraged to apologise when they are in the wrong.

Geoff

sometimes if one lives with a person who is always right one says sorry to avoid conflict at all cost. The trouble is one feels like a doormat and wonders who they really are.

[quirkywords]

David thanks for your contributions to this thread.

I had an ex who after drinking would apologise and then say I brought out the worst in him. That is a Claytons apology.

Grandy I even say sorry when someone says I say sorry too much.

I do it to avoid conflict and if you live with someone like your late husband, and I have, you just say sorry so the person does get angry and swear threaten you.

I think it id a form of gaslighting when people say you said x or did y when you didn’t and you know you didn’t but after a while you doubt yourself.

Thanks everyone for your posts.

[Guest9337]

Hi quirkywords,

Red Pony communications The Claytons apology.

Has a good aussie discussion of that type of apology.

[geoff]

Hello Quirky and everyone, my ex hardly ever said she was sorry, there might have been an explanation but sorry wasn't a common word.

I now tell her this and she always says it wasn't true, may be I need to spell it out to her s -o -r -r -y, it doesn't bother me anymore.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi quirkywords

I believe it should be encouraged for people to become conscious of a mistake, a misdeed, a fault or feeling remorse etc. Depending on the circumstances, how they express this will vary. Could be 'Sorry (I feel sorrow for how I've led you to feel)', 'I apologise (for my error in judgement in this case)', 'This is my fault (maybe one I have not been entirely aware of until now)' and so on.

While someone who says 'Sorry' shows awareness, someone who never admits consciousness in this way is questionable.

🙂

[therising]

Hi david'n'goliath

I've come to love looking up the origins of words. Sometimes I find the origins of certain words hold greater meaning than their mutation, into current language. It's a shame how such impacting words have lost their true meaning.

🙂

[Guest9337]

Morning everyone, still dark outside here.

My UncleD had two gins and a smoke during our conversation about sorry/apology, he came at it from a Biblical perspective, stating that the ultimate aim of "sorry" is repentance and forgiveness... So the progression in his position, is..

1. person x does something that harms person y.

2. person y communicates their aggrievement to person x.

3. person x progresses through stages of.

3.1. acknowledging harm of person y. 3.2. communicating sorrowfulness about causing harm to y. 3.3. making apology. 3.4. making right the direct harm and any in-direct harm, if possible. 3.5. aiming to never do the harm again. 6. forgiving oneself for causing the harm.

So that's my version of what he said to me, something in Mathew I recall. I suppose there is much in the Bible about our topic, and that some of that informed Australian Law on the matter.