The truth about 2013

[Beck75]

This year has been a million laughs a million loves and a million shattered pieces. I have become an aunti, a sister, a friend and a mother tenfold. I have gained brothers, nephews, sons and good, real, heart wrenching friends. I have flown around Australia and back again a dozen times. I have worked 60 hour weeks. I have clothed and fed refugee families and furnished their homes. I have clothed and fed my family and furnished our home. I have cleaned and scrubbed and sorted until I could hardly walk. I have held my breath and willed the cancer that threatened our lives not to show up again on each and every test my husband has gone through. And it has stayed away. I have seen a brand new Refugee baby born here in Melbourne. And I have fallen in love with her. I have loved harder and stronger than I have ever loved in my life. My family has been what they've always been and this in itself is more than I deserve. My friends have been patient, kind, drunk and there. I have been so high, strong and invincible I have conquered the world, whilst holding a laptop in one hand, stirring dinner with the other and solving problems with the blackberry on speaker parked on the bench close by. May have patted the dog with my foot too. Like I said - I have conquered the world. 

I have also lain in bed for weeks on end, willing each breath, putting every ounce of energy I have into a steady airflow, fearing lack of concentration would mean my lungs may refuse to inflate. I have fought demons, ghosts, dirty old men from my childhood. I have faced them head on and I have sometimes been able to scream in their faces 'f you' this is MY LIFE. Other times I have turned and ran and been left shaking huddled on the floor of the shower. I have lost loved ones. A loss I feel deep in my bones. I think of them daily and know I have to make the most of it. Make the most of it. This life. This amazing, wonderful, painful, glorious life. 

I am learning not to hide. This is me. This is all of me. Honesty and truth. Hardest to be to oneself when what you are is not always what you want. I have been hospitalised, marginalised, paralysed, analysed, medicated, placated, sedated, diagnosed, misdiagnosed, questioned, monitored, discussed, and considered a threat to myself.

I have had daily visits from strangers qualified to report that I am still alive and kicking. I have been a burden. I have been a weight. I have heard stories, felt the pain and been given some sort of insight into life in a war zone.

I have felt guilt over my blessed life and my haphazard inability/ability to be happy in the wake of this knowledge despite my privileged life. And yet I am still here. And right now I am happy and feeling loved.

And I thank each and every one of you that made sure that happened.  Each and every one of you. I have gained perspective. I have come to terms with bipolar. 

2013, you were a hell of a year. I bid you farewell, and I thank you in kind. I'll take the loves and laughs and the meds, I'll glue the shattered pieces together, and I'll raise you another million loves and another million laughs in 2014. Bring it. 

[Chris_B]

Hi Beck75,

What a great post. Sounds like it was a massive year for you, so great to be able to look back and appreciate the good stuff and put the bad stuff in context isn't it?  

Love the sentence 'I have had daily visits from strangers qualified to report that I am still alive and kicking '. Sometimes we can feel like we're in a giant lab.

Really great to hear that your husband is doing well too.  

Sounds like you're ready to deal with everything 2014 can bring. 🙂

[Beck75]

Thanks Chris. Yes I was feeling ready for anything and everything when I wrote this at the end of 2013. Unfortunately my depression decided otherwise!! I am proud, however, to say that I posted this to Facebook. I came "out of the mental illness closet" so to speak. I'm tired of being ashamed and hiding who I am. The support has been overwhelming. I think sometimes we underestimate the capacity for acceptance by those around us.