Supporting loved ones with attempted suicide

[Euno]

Dear all,

I am seeking any life hacks I can get through supporting my partner going through a severe depression.

We were lucky to save her from her suicide attempt and now in hospital under trauma care. 

[indigo22]

Hi Euno,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear you are both going through such a challenging experience.

Speaking as someone who has been dealing with depression for over 50 years, it can be a struggle to find a reason to keep living when it becomes severe. I have gone through severe depression a number of times and had suicidal ideation each time, the last time was by far the worst and the only reason I am still here to talk about it is because someone I loved made me promise not to take action. I keep my promises, so here I am.

I am doing a lot better these days with the depression, but at the time, I could not see even the slightest possibility of finding any light again. In that state of mind, suicide seems very rational, there seems no other way to stop the constant pain and misery you feel inside that is so debilitating. To someone who has never been debilitated by mental illness, it can be very hard to understand the depths of desperation you can sink to.

This is not the only way however. The other way is to find and face the cause of the depression and do whatever is needed to begin to heal. This requires strength of will, unwavering support, medication, therapy that works, and a great deal of time.

For the support person, there also needs to be support therapy to avoid being drawn into the black hole as well.

So my question to you is, are you getting support to help yourself through this very difficult time? You need to be strong for your partner, but you need to be getting that strength from somewhere or you too will begin to suffer from mental illness. There are also times when you need to distance yourself from the situation, even if that is for a couple of hours, taking a walk in nature, having coffee with a friend who makes you laugh, whatever is different from your daily routine that re-energises you.

Also diet is very important, can I suggest doing some research on foods that help keep the brain healthy and incorporate these into the meals for both of you. Some of these are ground flaxseeds, walnuts, chia seeds, avocado, broccoli, just to name a few. Doing this may be just enough to tip the balance and give your partner enough strength to decide to keep living.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take care and I hope your partner starts to improve soon,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Euno,

I'm really sorry you and your partner have been through this. It would be a very difficult time. One thing that came to mind is that the Suicide Call Back Service have a page on supporting someone after a suicide attempt. If you look up their website you should be able to find that. Looking at it myself I think two of the most important things are being available and creating a safe space for your partner to talk and share her feelings, and trying to understand her feelings and perspective before exploring solutions together. The Suicide Call Back Service also provide phone and online counselling which may be supportive for you going forward. Their phone number is 1300 659 467 and they also do web chat and video chat. It may just be a starting point for navigating things ahead.

I've battled several bouts of strong suicidality over the last two and a half years and I think what has helped me the most has been when I have felt understood. It has been a sense of empathy or relatability, someone else getting the experience from the inside, that helped get me through some of the darkest patches. Hearing or reading of stories of people who have come out the other side after being suicidal has helped me. I have also found connecting with nature helpful and something as simple as feeling the breeze on my face or seeing the birds in my garden has brought me back into the present and a healing space.

I don't know your partner's age, and this may not be relevant for her, but just in case it has any relevance my own suicidality directly correlated with hormonal crashes during perimenopause. So when certain hormones have dropped out I really plunged quite rapidly into severe darkness. Only some women get this experience but it is increasingly being linked with the high suicide rate of women in the 45-55 age bracket. For me, hormone medication brings me out of that state, indicating that hormones are the driving factor. So just in case that is a factor I thought I'd mention it, but please ignore if it's not relevant. If it is relevant, I can mention further resources.

There are others here who have been through an attempt and come out the other side, so I hope you get some other responses and ideas from others about the recovery process. You may find getting some counselling/psychological support for yourself helpful too and you could approach your GP for a mental health care plan for Medicare subsidised support with a psychologist if you wanted to talk things through with someone. Take great care and much love and support to you and your partner.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for caring so much for your partner to seek help and guidance. Champions here advise through lived experience and having had one attempt, my daughter has also and my brother and uncle both passed that way. I'm bipolar and under the spectrum, depression, mania has been with me all my life, I'm 69yo.

Post my attempt in 1996, I swore to myself that I would, if faced with the same situation of deep depression, that I would, if it takes, be radical with my life to effect change- big changes, that would likely send me off in a different direction to what my routine and environment gave me. After all, anything to stop that event recurring is a good thing right?

So, you can begin with reassurance, that any decisions can be made to her life as she feels fit, job, career, a passion, hobby, sports, town of residence, friends, family house... anything. If you put that to her calmly, no distractions, no phones, no pets etc, to find the inner desires she may have always had, could make a significant difference to her life and yours.

Depression in itself can be cause enough but its all those other things as listed above that add the weight on the problem, lack of stimulus, lack of distractions and happiness. Then there's the unknowns like the passing of a dear parent or child of years gone by that they never healed from. So this situation needs your investigation or those added things could be always present.

Your both or her individually might not be aware of triggers. Low self esteem can result in one comment from one person or a TV show can have a scene that sends us back into the depressive wilderness. Having worked in a jail at 21-24yo, 45 years ago and seen some disturbing things, sometimes, not all the time, I'll say to my wife, I cant handle this tonight love" it could be a sad scene in a jail or humans being injured. So awareness and provision for her along with helping her education herself as to what could be a trigger is an advantage- prevention better than cure.

Revitalising your relationship is a good reflection. Subtly seek out if there is anything she lacks, a trip to the GP together and an open discussion might bring out these seemingly small issues. It could be as simple as an extra hug a day, a phone call from work at lunchtime "how are you today"?. These small extra commitments bring stability and extra care to you both. A joke helps "and where's my hug today- you got yours this morning" with a laugh.

At 20yo I was returning to my RAAF base and picked up a hitch hiker. He was suicidal, left his wife as he caught her in bed with his mate. He had a young son. By the time we got to Adelaide I'd convinced him life is worth living. Soon he got a job at a station in the outback as a cook. 6 month later he rang me- he'd found a girl friend, was earning good money, had been in touch with his son and developed a good communication base with the mother of his child for visitations. His whole life turned around. I never forgot that. Changes all over.

I hope I've helped. You are doing a good job.

"Small seemingly irrelevant gestures, even a hand on a shoulder as they cry uncontrollably... can mean the world.."

TonyWK

[Euno]

Thanks, Indigo

Heartfelt gratitude for your kind support

I was in tears to read through your message. 

[Euno]

Dear ER, 

1. Thank you for your kind support, with heartfelt gratitude. My partner just stepped into the half life 50s. I am organising as much care as I can to get her getting out of the downward spiral, through medication and CBT. Picking up my pieces, I will soldier on and focus on her recovery.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Euno,

I have also just turned 50. My really severe downward spiral started at 47. If perimenopause is the driving factor, there are a few things I can recommend. 

• The work of Professor Jayashri Kulkarni who is a Melbourne-based psychiatrist may help. One of her online articles is "Perimenopausal depression - an under-recognised entity" which you should be able to find easily. She was also recently featured in a Beyond Blue webinar available on YouTube - "The Menopause 'Mind Field'". There are talks by her online on YouTube and other articles as well.

• An article that I found recently that is relevant to myself is "Severe mental illness and the perimenopause" by Sophie Berhman and Clair Crockett (published online by Cambridge University Press).

• Dr Lousie Newson is a hormone specialist doctor in the UK in this field and her podcast has numerous episodes on mental health in relation to perimenopause/menopause. You can access the podcast from platforms such as Apple Podcasts, Spotify etc and the balance-menopause website connected with her. I'm aware some of them might be triggering right now as they include episodes on both attempted and completed suicides, so just want to let you know in advance. But what they really highlight is that the psychiatric/medical system in a number of instances hasn't known how to respond to this type of hormonal depression and standard approaches of antidepressants and antipsychotics haven't always worked on their own. Women who have subsequently been treated with hormone medication have recovered in stories told in the podcast. There is also a balance-menopause app that is free and people discuss their symptoms and experiences there.

• A presentation from Bristol Health Partners available online as a PDF entitled "Late onset of psychosis in perimenopause and menopause". This helped me understand what was happening in my brain.

I don't actually know if hormones are the main issue for your partner, so please disregard the above if not. For me, the hormone medication I am now on has restored my mental health. I had a histamine reaction to a higher dose of it that led me to come off the medication last year. However, I deteriorated badly again a week and a half ago, restarted the medication at a lower dose and I have improved continuously to the point I am really stabilised and much, much better today. The benefits have actually been quite fast for me once on the medication.

In my case perimenopausal mental health symptoms have included intrusive thoughts and visions, suicidal ideation, nightmares, hallucinations, voice hearing, dissociative symptoms, extremely severe anxiety and depression and major sleep disruption and difficulties. The fall in estradiol in the brains of some women can create these symptoms as it is a neuroprotective hormone that's very important in the brain. While some women go through this stage of life without it affecting them much, and some moderately, for others it is severe. But those severe symptoms can be helped and things rebalanced which I am experiencing. I also have a trauma history which is a complicating factor and can be a reason why some women get worse symptoms.

I hope that's not too much info and please disregard if hormones are not a factor as I don't know your partner's history and circumstances. I just wanted to share that info in case it helps. Take good care and remember to take care of yourself too.

[Euno]

Thanks Eagle B, 

Under a treatment, I will discuss the possibility with the psychiatrist at the hospital. I really hope there is a way out.. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Euno,

You could always try printing off the above articles and handing them to the psychiatrist. They might take the info on board as the articles are themselves by psychiatrists and medical professionals.

I may be off the mark with hormones so I don’t want to lead you down the wrong path. But I just thought it may be worth considering, especially if your partner’s mental health has taken a noticeable turn for the worst at this age. I have found with hormone medication the improvement is dramatic. I feel normal now and yet at times in the past I really wasn’t ok without the help of the medication. I wish I could say more about the hormone meds but we are not allowed to discuss specific meds here. But hopefully the articles will provide guidance.

I think a key for mental health recovery is understanding from the inside what is happening for the person and working sensitively with that. I have found perseverance important too. So just continuing to try different things until I‘ve found the right things and support. I’ve done that with everything, from any meds or supplements I take through to the health professionals I see. I have a good team of people around me now including a psychologist, hormone specialist doctor and a naturopath who is strongly evidence-based. If your partner can get a good team and know that healing is possible with the right support, things can lift and get better.

I really wish you and your partner the best and send lots of love and healing.

[sherlocks]

continue to care love and support your girlfriend at this time. It is a very different difficult feeling physically mentally emotionally after a suicide attempt

words can not describe the aftermath the feelings of someone is indescribable

with lots of love and support  keep on caring. Priceless. Understanding and Listening remember Delicate Like a Flower Gentle Loving Heart Care. xo