SUCCESS!! 53 years of hell now 5 years of contentment

[white knight]

Capital letters for success. So I can tell the world that managing mental illness successfully is possible.Raised in outer Melbourne suburbs my first problem was that I was a country kid living in the city. We'd spend 6 weeks around xmas in Tasmania on a dairy farm and it was ace. Only to return to a city I hated. I had an incident when I was 12yo that changed my life. My brother near drowned in our backyard pool.I stopped talking for 3 months. Not one word.Then at 17yo I joined the RAAF and at 18yo the wheels fell off DUI, lost my license, drunk all the time. I lasted 3 years there.I worked at Pentridge Gaol, the youngest prison officer in the jails history.I thought I was a full man when I joined, soon to realise I had a way to go. My brother took his own life and I knew I couldnt return to that dungeon.

I had as many jobs as cars them days. Bought and sold on impulse not realising at all that this was immature not to mention financially silly.First marriage lasted 11 years, two daughters.Her silence ended that bond.If ever one person could hurt a talkative man like me its to ignore him completely...for up to 6 weeks at a time. I was a wreck and I started writing my poetry. It turned into my therapy.

2003 at 47yo and I attended a psychiatrist who diagnosed bp 1 and ADHD. I was then running my own business as an investigator. I travelled around 500 kms a day. That medication made me run off the roads so often. I tried walking around the car, drinking sugary soft drinks you name it. 2009 and another psych diagnosed me with bp 1, dysthymia, depression and anxiety.I had some ADHD when younger but he said it was mostly mania. add the correct meds this time and I didnt realise at the time my life would change for the better 10 fold.What was interesting was my new psych's assessment of the near drowning incident when I was 12yo. This, he said sparked off the dysthymia, a type of depression.

Even though I made such progress I still had two emotional episodes early and mid 2013.I could no longer work at all and wound my business up. We are now on the pension.Such a change took a huge relief off my shoulders and by April 2014 I was ready to fill in some of my day helping others here on this site.

Some of the changes since 2009 include- move to a small country town, got a hobby, no more toxic people (including my mother sadly as she likely has BPD in the extreme), good financial plans etc

Success is being able to manage your illnesses. You have to believe it's possible.

[white knight]

SOCIETY OF SAND

I'm sitting on a desert

upon sand of friend and foe

cant find a piece of turf

where I cannot stand on toes

I collect a handful of grain

then watch as it escapes

just like some friendships

a lonely barren landscape

I create my own oasis

by weeping on a weed

but the sand around me laughs

because it doesnt have a need

Till lately it be my friends

that helped me walk the land

they holding me up

-supportive grains of sand

I begin to sink so slowly

as they gather my precious hide

the quick sand laughing so loud

a kind man says goodbye

As I become one of them

my heart now granuled and dry

I try to weep to water the weed

but sand has no means to cry

Damn it I struggle so

be damned if I end up like them

I rise out of the society of sand

- to remain the man I am......

written 2008   Tony WK

[Jo3]

Dear Tony

Thanks for sharing your story on how you successfully managed your mental illness. It takes time, lots of hard work and changes as in your case, change from city to country, marriage, work, financial changes - to now a happier healthier lifestyle.

You have made me think that yes I can do this too - I can succeed at 49!!!

Thanks again, you are such an inspirational guy !!

Jo xx

[white knight]

Hi Jo,

Ever since I got that correct diagnosis in 2009 I've been on an up. BUT, every now and then I'm reminded how low I can go.

Yet, the ups are better now and the lows less often so isnt that worth sharing? yes it is. To give others reason for hope in their never ending bouts of sadness and lack of motivation.

Not being able to ever get rid of this debilitating illness we call depression and bipolar and many other illnesses, can be crippling. 

Hence the reason we have to fight on. To rise up above that quicksand.