Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

There’s definitely a healing process going on. I’ve always been determined to transform things and not stay stuck, so I think that helps. The value of a good psychologist is that they can be really present with you, and that presence allows for a process of co-regulation of the nervous system whereby it becomes possible to feel safe. From that place of safety healing mechanisms begin to unfold. While, yes, I am doing the work, having someone who knows how to be co-present or co-resonant can be the catalyst to set that healing in motion. By far the most effective work I’ve done with my therapist has been somatic - through body awareness. She’s trained in certain modalities and has experience working with that, and I’ve achieved so much more that way than I ever did through straight talk therapy. It’s actually a fascinating process and at times quite challenging too, but I’m moving in the direction I want to and seeing real results.

That’s lovely to know you have had micro bats roosting so close. The curtain probably seemed like an ideal spot for them. There may be all manner of creatures about that are not always easy to see, so the wildlife cam is a great idea to see what may be out there, especially at night. Last night I slept solidly from 8:30pm-1:30am then woke up. I went outside in bright moonlight and it was so beautiful. It was incredibly still and I could hear the ocean rolling in at the river mouth. On moonlit nights I often hear birds, especially magpies.

Right now I’m on a bench mid-walk. I just heard some cute familiar sounds and looked up to see two Southern Emu Wrens about 4m away. I wondered if it was a courtship display. They love the heath that grows next to the river. Earlier I saw gorgeous stripy fish in the river. It is just the most beautiful afternoon. You would like the dogs that are about. One little dog was going for a ride on someone’s stand up paddle board. There was also a chocolate Labrador and what looked like a chocolate Labrador cross.

I don’t think it’s naughty at all to buy a new couch. I’m quite sure couches don’t come with testing regarding the impact of Great Danes doing zoomies on them 🤣 So it’s understandable that your current couch has been through some wear and tear. It will be lovely to feel more comfortable without having to pack the couch with blankets and cushions. When I moved to where I now live the previous owners didn’t want to take most of their furniture. So I have their two couches which are extremely comfy for sleeping on. I do sometimes sleep there if I haven’t had the energy for changing my bedsheets, or if I just want to sleep in that space and even when I’ve been really unwell and could not go up the stairs for a few days, so I basically lived on the couch day and night. But the nice thing is I can sleep with the sliding door open and screen door across and it is actually almost the feeling of camping outdoors, feeling the night air and hearing the night creatures, such as the possum, in the garden.

I hope the week is going well and that maybe even you have some rain on the horizon. Wishing you a lovely rest of the day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I have been reading articles on Somatic therapy since you first mentioned it & it does make a lot of sense to me that our bodies are affected as much as our minds.  I hear what you say when you mention having that safe space to do this type of therapy is important.  From what I've read it is still a relatively new therapy, but with all the advances in knowledge of things like the mind/gut connection I think it sounds worth trying.  From what you have said over time, it does sound like it is a great fit for you & you are finding it really beneficial.  If I get in to see the psychologist here I think that if I find her ok I may after some time see if this is a therapy she does.

Your walk sounds lovely.  How clear the water in the river must be if you could see stripy fish!!  I don't know if you ever saw the Yarra River when you were in Melbourne, but it is called the upside down river as it is predominantly muddy brown by the time it reaches through the city & out to the bay.  No hope of seeing fish in it's lower reaches.

Yes I was delighted to find I have micro bats about & I am curious as to what else there may be.  I have left one of the doors to my farm shed open about 10cms to give the wildlife here a sheltered spot to roost or nest.  It has a raised floor made of plywood done by the old owner which isn't safe to walk on (& probably a snake haven), so I don't use that shed leaving it undisturbed & a perfect shelter.

I think the feeling naughty for buying the couch is part of that ingrained mindset that says I don't deserve nice things & should simply make the best of whatever is in place.  It has taken me a couple of years to actually go past just looking at replacement couches to actually buying one.  I have had to keep reminding myself that I am worth having a comfortable couch & it is not being selfish to want one.  It will be lovely to be able to sleep on it under the cooling in the Summer.

Still about 29 each day until Friday when it drops to the low 20s for the Easter week.  The BOM says 0-6mm rain possible over that week.  I have the fan still on as I'm typing this as it so still & stuffy.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, I think having the safe space with the right practitioner is very important with somatic therapy, along with the process being gently titrated so as not to overwhelm the nervous system. The method I have connected with, Somatic Experiencing, is definitely based on this gentle titration. I tried doing this method with a few therapists before my current one and it didn’t get anywhere at all because the practitioner wasn’t right for me and so my body would not allow it. But when I started working with my current psychologist my body just went straight into it and resolved a very difficult trauma in the second session. Now my body does quite a lot on its own because it knows how to do it. I have had a lot of stuff shift and heal so it has been a gradual progression, but it has the cumulative effect that my system increasingly knows how to heal itself and is beginning to attain a balance it hasn’t known even since birth because my birth itself was traumatic followed by a continuously stressful environment. So it’s like I am learning what homeostasis is in the nervous system for the first time later in life in a way. I also started learning about myofascial unwinding a few years ago which is the system in the body that actually learns to let go and release trauma. Another method I did was TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises). I found an excellent practitioner of this and it was highly effective but didn’t sustain in the same way as Somatic Experiencing has for me personally. So I was virtually 100% better immediately afterwards but my system started to revert and had difficulty regaining the benefits. With Somatic Experiencing there can be a pendulation effect for a while afterwards between different states but the system ultimately has moved towards healing for me.

Yes, I did see the Yarra in Melbourne and I’ve heard it referred to as the upside down river. The part of the river I was looking in here where I saw the fish was clear, but not far along there was an algal bloom where it was murky. Those blooms tend to happen in summer and early autumn and have a distinctive not very pleasant smell. So the water was cloudy in those spots. Sometimes a bloom will look pink in colour but it’s brown at present. There are some rivers in southern WA that travel mostly through forest and thus have the healthiest water and ecosystem. The river here has a mix of both with quite a bit of agricultural run off as well. A river is always more pure and healthy without that agricultural impact. But there is definitely a lot of life in the estuary here and it is always a joy to see.

I love how you’ve dedicated your farm shed to wildlife. Did you watch the documentary about quolls on ABC - Quoll Farm? Actually it was the guy I did the TRE therapy with who told me about it and showed me drawings his young daughter had made of the quolls. The documentary shows quolls living on an abandoned farm in Tasmania and the lovely man dedicated to studying and protecting them. It’s delightful and beautifully filmed.

It is absolutely not selfish at all to want a comfortable couch. I can relate to the tendency to feeling you don’t deserve things or a feeling of not being worth it, as I spent much of my life being that way. But I really am starting to change now and realise I’m allowed to go for things in life I would really like. I think those of us who were self sacrificial growing up based on the environment we were in can take a long time to realise we can prioritise ourselves. On Monday I said to my psychologist how I’ve always thought aiming to do exactly what I want to do in life has felt selfish in the past and so I’d take on things that were not ideally what I wanted and I should just be grateful for that. She said we give our greatest gifts in life when we do follow our heart and so it’s not selfish to aim for what most aligns with us. I know she is right and I can feel myself orienting more that way.

I slept well for a few hours then woke again so I’ve been looking at the bright moonlight outside again. It’s so beautiful. It could be the moonlight itself waking me up. It really does have a special energy and feeling. 

I’m glad at least by Easter the temperature will drop down where you are. It’s become a bit busier here with the school holidays but it will get busier again at Easter itself. Wishing you a beau day Paws. It’s 4:15am here and I might try for a second sleep 😴 

Hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. That was meant to say beautiful day!

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yes I did watch Quoll House & loved it.  When I first moved here I was thinking of getting a few miniature cows to keep the grass down in my paddock, the back of the farm shed faces the paddock & the intent was to put doors in the back, then use one side of it to store feed & the other side to be open for the cattle to use as shelter.  However reality raised it's head (lack of water for one thing) & so the cattle idea was shelved.  I didn't want to have to rip up the wonky ply floor just to be able to store stuff in it & as I was worrying about where the micro bats could safely roost once the old verandah was replaced, I settled on just leaving it as is with one door slightly opened for whatever wanted to make a home in it.  I don't think I would have thought it a good fit for wildlife if I hadn't seen Quoll house & how well they did in human spaces.  

I actually had about 30 minutes of good rain yesterday, with thunder & all.  I'm keeping everything crossed the rain I see on the radar over your way lasts to reach here in the next day or so.

Algal blooms can really do a lot of damage to the fish etc if they linger.  I don't know if you watch Landline, but last weeks episode had a follow-up story of a family who practice regenerative farming & work to prevent any farm runoff from entering the waterways.  In many ways it is a pre industrial revolution mind-set in that they set the landscape up in such a way as to keep all the nutrients in their soil.  As someone who is fascinated by how people at the lower ends of society lived & worked throughout history, I have studied how small hold farmers used to do this & these present day farmers are harking back to the old ways even if not completely copying everything.

 As I type this 4:20am the sky is dark with no moon in view.  I did see it a couple of days ago at about 7pm & it was fairly high up, so I'm assuming it has dropped below the horizon at this hour.  Moonlight from a full moon is energising I find, whether it is the combination with the night air that gives it that edge I don't know, but I love being out under a full moon.

I am much better at allowing myself to do things for me without putting everyone else first, but it can still be a battle at times.  I'm glad to hear you are feeling like you are winning that battle too.  

I hope you got some more sleep.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m glad you saw Quoll House. I thought it was something you would love. Miniature cows would be delightful to have but I can see the limitations such as the lack of water. Many years ago I had a friend who had miniature cows. He was of Welsh ancestry and he told me he would talk in Welsh to them and he said they loved it 😂 I was thinking have you thought of putting your wildlife cam in the shed to see if anything is going in there at night? Obviously take care regarding any snakes in there if you go in. You may even get something like a barn owl 🦉 

I’m really glad you’ve had the good rain. It feels like proper rain with some thunder too. It can feel like such a relief when it finally rains decently.

I occasionally watch Landline though haven’t recently. I’m fascinated by regenerative farming. I bought Charles Massy’s book Call of the Reed Warbler three years ago but still haven’t got to reading it yet as I always have multiple books on the go. He is one of the leading figures in regenerative farming in Australia. 25 years ago I did a permaculture design course and many of the principles are similar. I had dreams of being on a small property one day and running it self sufficiently, growing food and having some animals. It doesn’t seem likely now but I still take great interest in what others are doing and it’s so wonderful that regenerative farmers are drawing on the wisdom of pre-industrial farming. There is a great deal of logic to many of the practices which are often much more in tune with nature.

I love the moonlight too and find it so energising. It was bright again here last night. It’s dawn here now and becoming light.

I had a major crash back into hormonal anxiety and depression yesterday. I felt awful. Out of desperation I took hormone medication last night. I can actually feel when my oestrogen levels have dropped extremely low and the symptoms set in quite suddenly. I feel a little better this morning but still anxious. I will see how many days I can go before histamine issues arise. At the moment oestrogen feels so low I’ll probably be ok a few days, I hope. It’s so exhausting to deal with and such a desperate feeling unlike any other anxiety or depression.

Wishing you a lovely day and hopefully more rain very soon 🙏

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

** I typed this earlier today, but the internet has been down since daybreak so I had to save it to word**

Oh lass how horrible for you to have crashed back down.  I truly hope taking the hormone med brings you back up quite quickly.  Knowing how much you work with your body/med effects, are you keeping track of how long you can be on the hormone med before the histamine issues rise to a problem level?  I'm thinking along the lines of you possibly being able to find a sweet spot between getting you hormone levels up enough without making the histamine issues unbearable.  Though the more I think about it, the more sure I become that you have already tried to work these things out, or more likely even had better ideas.  

If you feel you may not be able to have & run a self sufficient small holding one day, there might be some other options in that type of lifestyle that may still be within your reach even if you move back to Perth.  In Melbourne there is a small holding city farm that is run by volunteers.  They have livestock & grow fruit & veg which they sell.  It was originally set up to show city kids where their food comes from before it hits the shop.  But it is also open to the general public.  There are also lots of community gardens from the inner city out to the suburbs where people can get together to grow & share among themselves.  They range in size from the very small to ones that are a couple of acres.  Some even grow plants to sell to raise money for whatever cause they choose.  Others let you have your own plot to grow your own food or flowers.  You could also volunteer to help local community groups, or Landcare to do regenerative work.  The work can vary from the physical to gentler things like being seated potting out seedlings.  Some of these I'm sure you would be able to just pop in or do whenever your health currently lets you & in the future when you are better I think it would be a wonderful way to spend your days.  In a way I think now you know you need people around you these may actually suit you better than being alone on a farm of your own.  

With you having a permaculture design course behind you, I would think you must be very familiar with the types of practices & landforms that would have been considered normal in the past.   

I'm fogged in this morning.  A tiny tiny bit of rain last night, barely enough to even count as rain.  

I hope you have a brighter day lass.

🐻 hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you, yes, I’m trialling a low hormone dose and I have what seems like some slight histamine reactivity at the moment but will see how I go. I got really bad with severe depression late afternoon and ended up calling the S Call Back Service this evening. It took half an hour to get through but during that half hour I rested and was slightly better when I spoke to the person who was a nice lady. It did help and I was a bit more stabilised. It is a strongly biochemical thing and I’ve got the hormonal headaches back as well, after doing better for a while. It’s a weird combination of anxiety and depression. It feels very out of control and I have to keep sensing into what I need to calm my system. 

There is a City Farm in Perth that sounds similar to the one in Melbourne. I have been involved in growing seedlings for landcare in the past and I’ve also worked in an organically run market garden. So it was quite a part of my life previously. I have thought of finding similar things here or in nearby towns. For a while there my health was such I could not even do simple volunteer things. But there will probably be something I can find to suit me. I am also thinking something with wildlife could be good. I enjoy nurturing things whether they be people, animals or plants.

Even though you didn’t get much rain, I hope maybe the fog left some moisture. I imagine the plants like the fog even though rain is better. The fog can be so beautiful. I love going for a morning walk in fog.

Sleep well Paws 😴

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I so pleased you have reached out for help with your mood being so terribly low.   I wish I could come over for a cuppa & just sit with you lass.  Know I am sitting with you in spirit & I'm sure Woofa is sending slobbery kisses from the rainbow bridge.  I hope some otc meds will work with easing your headache too.  We all know how hard it can be to simply even think clearly when down, so I want to give you a gentle reminder to look at you MHSP (Mental Health Safety Plan) & see what you might try to give yourself a break from the unhelpful thoughts.  Perhaps working on your photo's or looking at silly cats online.

I'm not surprised you have done some Landcare work in the past, your affinity with nature is such I think I would be surprised if you hadn't done that or something similar before.

The little rain, plus the fog has brought the frogs out & they were calling all this morning during the fog & started up again just after dark tonight.  It is such a lovely sound & one I've been missing.  

Be gentle with yourself lass

Gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so kindly Paws. I really appreciate the cuppa and slobbery kisses from Woofa. The strange thing about this experience is it’s primarily a feeling that’s deeply uncomfortable, almost intolerable. In the past it has been accompanied by intrusive thoughts and dark images. This time it’s the same raw anxiety and depression but not the thoughts and images. I have had some dark images appear in recent weeks but they’ve all resolved into something positive. At times it’s almost like a form of psychosis and apparently perimenopause can be a time of new-onset psychosis for a small number of women. But somehow I’m holding onto my sanity (just). In perimenopause antipsychotic medications can apparently potentially make things worse or interfere in a negative way with hormonal processes that are already haywire. Hormone meds apparently can fix it. They did before so if my body can keep tolerating the reintroduction of the hormone meds, it may correct things. I’ve read multiple cases now of women who ended up in hospital on antipsychotics and antidepressants, but it was later the introduction of hormone meds that turned things around when it was finally realised the primary issue was hormonal.

This morning I went out quite early and decided to get some food and coffee at a cafe. I thought it would be good to be around others. After I planned to walk to the supermarket but was drawn down to the river. The light was beautiful - overcast but atmospheric. I think I was meant to do that as I met the same lovely lady who I met down there the other day. Just like before we had a really good chat. We walked with her little dog to another cafe and chatted more there. She is one of those genuine people you just know is made of good. I can feel how good it is for me to be in social connection with others. She is kind and concerned for me and giving positive encouragement. After I got home my system plummeted into feeling awful again which tends to happen once alone again. But I just woke up from a sleep on the couch and do feel better now. It was cloudy and drizzly before I went to sleep and it’s bright and sunny now 🌞

I love that you have the frogs now 🐸💚 Yes, it’s such a lovely sound and reassuring that the froggies are still around and were just waiting for some rain to become active.

May you have a peaceful evening filled with frog song 🎶 

Hugs,

ER