Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

It seems to be Coles policy to have brighter lights. On the one hand I often prefer light not to be too bright, yet I find in Coles it does help me see more clearly exactly where things are, like it brightens up my brain. I'm glad the Coles carpark is less busy for you. I so prefer non-congested carparks. With the Coles in my neighbouring town I sometimes park at bays behind the building rather than the front carpark as it is a lot easier getting in and out of them.

That's interesting the farmer's markets are a fixture in Melbourne and the small towns just out of Melbourne. I think they have become a thing people really enjoy as an alternative to regular shops. Some of the ones I've been to in Perth allow pets and it's so nice seeing the doggies enjoying a morning out, plus there are often musicians playing and basically a good atmosphere. I think I've noticed a bit of a decline in those farm gate stands with an honesty box too. Certainly a lot of people don't carry cash anymore. There is something so nice about buying produce direct like that though.

I am doing pretty well Paws. Yes, I am still pretty emotional at times. But I'm going through a lot of profound healing as well. It's almost like a whole mind/body/spirit healing. I found out about another loss on Wednesday morning, a relative who I had a strong feeling something wasn't right with only a couple of weeks earlier. I thought it was either her or her sister. I felt it strongly in my body and had actually been looking her name up in the death notices. It was an aunty who rang and told me about her on Wednesday. She became estranged from our family many years ago. It is tied in with some awful family abuse that happened that I won't go into here. Then I found out today about another non-blood relative passing. So it has all been happening. But I am coping fine and actually feeling connected and peaceful. I have a sense of a loving presence with me and I've really shifted from feeling alone to feeling connected and supported. There's been a real spiritual shift in my whole being.

It has been wintery and rainy here today, quite a shift in the weather conditions. It is raining out there now and I can hear it on the windows and the wind howling. It's quite lovely actually feeling cosy inside. How is it going where you are? I'm sure you would love some of this weather. Sometimes systems travel eastwards so I hope it might travel all the way to you.

How have you been going? I hope you are feeling ok and finding some peaceful things each day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so sorry to hear you are having to deal with further losses lass.  Though I am pleased you are feeling connected, supported & peaceful, I hope that means you are feeling that you are able to process your grief in a healing way.  

The weather has changed here too.  Much cooler & very very windy, though it will be back up to the high 20s later this week.  There has been a couple of very brief showers today, but not anything worthwhile.  I was thinking today how much monitoring rainfall or it's lack, has become something I have become very focussed on.  I've got everything crossed that the Autumn rains come.  I am envious of your weather.  Like you I love being snug inside when it is really wintery outside.  Nice as it is, I'm sure you will look forward to a break from it so you can get out in nature, especially with water back in the environment.  

Big hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Yes, I’m doing ok with the other recent losses. Both relatives were pretty advanced in age. I have a vast number of relatives so it is not uncommon for someone to be passing on. But of course some losses hit harder than others depending on the closeness of the connection.

I’m glad it’s becoming cooler where you are. I understand about that feeling of monitoring the weather, hoping for rain. It was definitely like they here a year ago. It took until June before things really shifted here then, but hopefully it won’t be that long for you. It has been beautiful sunny weather here today, but Friday in particular was very wet and truly wintery. Last night there was some spectacular lightning in the distance illuminating the clouds.

I had a lovely walk by the estuary today. I saw eagle rays and smooth stingrays plus I watched some small crabs feeding. I watched an osprey fly over the water and land on an electricity pole as a good vantage point for looking for fish. Earlier in the late morning I visited the bakery and met another local who was there with his 8 month old baby. I had a nice chat with him and always enjoy meeting babies. He and his wife are lovely and run a local business.

I hope you’ve been having a peaceful evening and big hugs to you too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I do love hearing about your walks, you live in a magical place to be able to see so much wildlife.  How fun seeing crabs feeding 🦀 for creatures who look so ungainly they can be super fast when food is about.  Am I allowed to feel sorry for the crabs... poor things,  you know the breeds of the other critters, but they just get the generic crabs.  (very tongue in cheek).  

Distant lightning can be beautiful to watch, especially when the colours show through.  Some photos of lightning manage to capture the colours beautifully.  Do you ever try & photograph it if it is far enough away?  Where I am I can see it when it is very far from here if it comes from the south west.

I was hopeful earlier today, the clouds approaching looked like they would provide lots of rain, but no such luck.  I could even smell that lovely smell you get when rain is about.  The BOM website however showed there wasn't any rain coming from it anywhere.

After I went to the Dr on Wednesday I woke to a running nose on Thursday, which has worsened each day, today sneezing myself silly was added in.  Odd thing I don't feel like I have a cold or anything, just the nose driving me up the wall, especially trying to go to sleep.  Hence my being online this late.

Visited the bakery!!!   Did you but anything particularly yummy?... some bakeries can have lots of yummy stuff that are hard to ignore.

I've been meaning to ask... is your hot water fixed?

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I have photographed lightning before at the beach in Perth near sunset. I used a long exposure and hoped a strike would happen while the shutter was open. I did get a couple of shots. It was out on the horizon so not dangerous to be out there. I’d like to try again with it.

How frustrating to be able to smell the rain in the air but not actually get any. I truly love that rain smell. It was raining here again the last couple of nights. The weather has been lovely in the day. We are actually getting an autumn this year.

I wonder what is causing the nasal symptoms? I wonder if there’s something in the air? I remember reading about some people being affected with asthma by weather conditions in Melbourne. I don’t know if the same thing could cause allergy-like effects. I hope it might have eased by now anyway. Are your symptoms easing today?

For a long time at the bakery I would only get rice paper rolls or sushi as I’ve been eating gluten free. The other day though I got a salami and salad roll as I’m more gluten tolerant at the moment. A few weeks ago I couldn’t have eaten salami as the nitrates were a trigger for histamine intolerance but that has also improved. I’ve been into salami since I was a kid. I love anything with garlic. It’s a good bakery with friendly staff.

Yes, I have a new hot water system. There were initially some problems with the water going cold again and the plumber had to come back. But it’s all sorted now. The next day the toilet needed repairs and that’s now fixed too. It is an ongoing maintenance challenge here being about a 46 year old place.

I’ve had a weary afternoon. I’m having lots of vivid dreams at night at the moment and I feel like I’m a bit exhausted. They’re mostly not bad dreams, just very hyperactive. I seem to be hyper-processing a lot at the moment.

How is your week going Paws? I hope you’ve had some good days and peaceful times ☺️

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yes that rain smell in the air is lovely, though very disappointing when none appears.

Lass you do have a lot of different things on your plate right now & will have probably into the near future as you work through the issues of your past, your recent losses, your health problems, getting things fixed in your home so you can sell it (& live in it in the meantime), all the thinking & planning around where you would ultimately like to live, plus all the day to day things that need doing/planning, not to mention all the emotional turmoil you have dealt with recently such as what your brother caused for example.  Each of those on their own take a lot of energy to deal with.  I'm not surprised at all that you are having hyperactive dreams at the moment & feeling weary during the day.  Lass just in the time I've known you on here you have made so much progress towards being kinder to yourself & learning to put you first.  I'm sure the hyper processing of everything that you are doing right now will settle down as you work through the more major recent losses & issues.  

ick & double ick.... I absolutely detest garlic & cannot understand how other people love it.  I do wonder if it has something to do with the same taste receptors on the tongue that make some foods such as Brussel Sprouts  or Broccoli etc taste awful for some people & not others.  It is either that or I'm part vampire 🤣 

My nose is pretty much back to normal, I don't think it was allergies as usually my eyes getting itchy is the first sign for any allergic response I have.  Given it lasted about 7 days I think it was just a mild cold.  It was annoying though, especially sneezing in bed as each time I laid back down after a sneeze I would have a dizzy spell as I'm still getting them whenever I lay down.  

I had a lovely chat with my sister yesterday.   She turns 60 just after xmas & for over a year I've been trying whenever I talk to her to surreptitiously get an idea of what she might like for her birthday... we usually don't do presents... but 0 birthdays are the exception.  So far I've still got nothing as every time I think of something, when I visit her I see she already has it.  

Back up to 29 every day for the next week, I am envious of your Autumn weather.

Rest up

Hugs

Paws 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I’ve been very dissociative lately which I think is part of the intensive processing I’m going through. I think that’s connected with the intense dreaming as well. My sense of timing at night is odd at the moment where I wake up from a hyperactive dream feeling like I’ve been sleeping for 8 hours but it’s only been an hour since I went to bed. I might go through that several times a night. Sometimes it’s easier to get a decent sleep in the day at the moment. I am mostly sleeping several hours at night but in a very fragmented way.

That is funny about the garlic. I know for some people it’s an awful thing 😣 My uncle hated it and if he was visiting and opened the fridge and there were leftovers in there that had garlic in them, he would screw up his nose and face in horror at the smell. I absolutely love it. It’s years since I had garlic bread and being allergic to dairy and to some degree gluten intolerant, it’s off the menu now. But I consider it one of the yummiest things invented 😋

I’m glad your nose is back to normal. Have you had any thoughts or advice from the doctor about the dizzy spells? I just read something today on the Balance menopause app that dizziness can be a symptom experienced in menopause, yet another thing it can trigger. I certainly know a few women who have dizziness issues in the menopausal age group. I had some strong bouts in my mid 40s but I seem to be ok at the moment.

It’s lovely you had the really good chat with your sister. I wonder if you could buy her something like a voucher for an experience? Is there something she’s always wanted to do? I know someone who went hot air ballooning for their 60th. That of course may not be your sister’s thing, but I’m wondering if there is something like a voucher for a restaurant she loves or some sort of activity she would enjoy (within your affordability price range of course)? I think I’m realising for me as I get older that things mean less and experiences mean more. I rarely buy actual things these days.

That is still warm weather you are having. It’s been a strange atmosphere here this afternoon, sort of humid, warmish and cloudy. It feels like the weather is building up to something. It feels like the air pressure has dropped and that it might be a bit thunderstormy soon.

Well keep cool in the warmth and I hope you have a lovely weekend ahead ☺️

Big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It sounds as though you are waking before the end of each REM or NREM cycle.  I wonder if at the moment you are perhaps experiencing more REM cycles than NREM.  That could explain your feeling so exhausted during the day as it is during NREM that we get the restful sleep & our body repairs itself.  Of course it could also be that you are having your usual number of NREM cycles at night, but that with waking before reaching the final stage & so you are missing out on the restful sleep that way.  Lass I do hope you are allowing yourself to rest or nap during the day as feeling so exhausted isn't good for your mental health.  

I have been thinking of giving my sister an experience gift rather than a physical gift.  But she is like me in that she is difficult, so many of the things to do that you can get gift vouchers for wouldn't appeal to her.  She prefers a pub meal over a fancy restaurant, she is definitely not an adrenaline junky, so sky diving etc is off the list.  She isn't into spa weekends & doesn't drink, so wine tours are out.  I will just have to keep thinking.

I am long past menopause so the dizziness can't be down to anything connected with that.  It isn't as bad as when it first started & now only lasts for around 30 seconds as long as I lay very still.  

I'm trying to decide where to put my wildlife camera this time.  I've been trying to pick somewhere that doesn't have plants moving in the wind which is the difficulty.  I'm thinking of parking my car further up the drive & aiming it at the two sheds as I think the micro bats maybe roosting in them & it would be nice to know for sure.  Where to put it to get the best coverage is the tricky part.

I hope you have more lovely rain.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, I may be waking before the end of each REM cycle, or experiencing more REM than NREM ones. My mind and unconscious in particular is in super active processing mode. I think it is actually all fine as I’ve been processing some past experiences and traumas that are very significant and so it’s like my unconscious is very active sorting it out but also recalibrating itself in a healing process. I am doing some day sleeping, usually in the afternoon. So although it’s tiring me out I can feel a deep healing is taking place. I had a session with my psychologist this morning actually and she is so supportive of me in this process.

It can definitely be hard to think of a gift sometimes. I am wondering about any hobbies your sister may have. I’m sure you’ve thought it all through already. I am thinking is she a nature person and would she like something like a whale watching trip or similar? You could even do something like that together. Or just simply go out for a nice lunch together. I’m sure she will appreciate any thoughts or ideas you have.

It will be interesting to see what you may discover with the wildlife cam in some new spots. It would be exciting to be able to determine that you have some micro bats. A few weeks ago I was driving back from my favourite ocean location after dark. A creature that looked distinctly like a micro bat flew past and just grazed the windscreen of my car. I don’t think it would have been hurt and I was travelling slowly. The reason I was going as slow as I was is that moments earlier I’d come across an owl feeding on road kill that flew up and away when I approached. Fortunately it flew away from me and not into the path of my car. So there can be quite a few wildlife hazards on the road here at night.

Just now I have been watching Red-winged Fairywrens hopping around my back garden and amongst my pot plants. They are delightful little visitors. There has been some rain but not the possible thunderstorms that were in the forecast. It’s sunny now 🌞

I hope you enjoy your evening Paws ☺️

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It is wonderful to hear that you feel you have some healing occurring.  You are so lucky having your psychologist supporting you with what you are achieving & experiencing, it must help.  But I'm sure most of it is down squarely to you & your efforts.

I do know I have micro bats about, as when I first moved here I found two roosting in the folds of a curtain the previous owners had in behind some glass windows on the old verandah they had built.  But I've not seen any since that window fell inwards not long after I moved here & the curtain went with it.

I have searched for wildlife experiences as a gift for my sister as I think something like that might suit her.  I know she would love to spend a day or even just a few hours helping out at a wildlife rescue, even if it was just cleaning up after the animals, but I can't find any in Victoria that offer this.  

How marvellous to see an owl, they are such elusive creatures & so hard to spot in trees.  I didn't know they would eat roadkill, so that is something new for me to hear.  I wish more people would slow down on country roads from dusk to dawn. It can make such a difference for the wildlife.  

Well I've been sort of naughty.  My couch is over 15 years old & it is just a cheapie.  Some years ago it started slitting at some seams (helped a bit by Woofa) & then what little webbing it had under the seats disintegrated.  (not designed to have Great Danes doing zoomies on it)   So I have it packed with old blankets & cushions in order to have something to sit on.  I've really had enough of how uncomfortable it is & as a result I will shortly be the recipient of a new couch (another cheapie) I bought in the wee hours of this morning.  Even better they are willing to deliver it with just an $80 delivery fee.  This old one will just be shoved into the spare room until I get enough stuff to throw out that will make paying for a skip worthwhile.  

I hope you are managing to get some walks in.

Hugs

Paws