Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

Paw Prints · ‎09-02-2019

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

Hanna3 · ‎20-10-2023

It's so hard isn't it Paws? The neighbours miss him because he used to trot around to their door to say hello every morning and again at night. I feel lost without having him to walk or get his dinner or treats. I have had a look at the Rainbow Bridge website and there is a link to a Pets loss website too and they are helpful.

I guess we just have to grieve until the pain eventually eases Paws - I feed sad he had so little time her to run on the beach again. I wonder if the move was too much for him and feel bad about that.

I think your idea of the potplant is lovely for Woofa. Big hugs from us here oxoxox

mmMekitty · ‎20-10-2023

Hello Paws & Hanna

Hanna, I'm so sorry & sad to hear about Sam. When I went to see Mekitty for the last time, & for days after, I cried too, more than for any other loss I've had in my life. & I would look & listen as if by doing so, I would see & hear her again, & maybe my visit to the vet was a dream - no, not to be. & that would make me cry again.

I am heartened to read that you were able to be there with him & help to ease him on his way.

Hard as it may have been, I would have preferred to be there in those last hours when Mekitty was at the vet.

I do remember, too, how quiet & empty my flat felt after losing Mekitty.

Paws, at some point, if I can move to a place which would be better suited to having a cat, I'd love another ... maybe, if I think I can have help looking after them, & a cat I have would have to learn to keep away from my feet when I walk about, or away from anything potentially dangerous, like things they could swallow. Or I have to be much better at making my place completely safe for a curious/mischievous cat.

It is something I will consider very carefully before making a decision. First, I need to find a place that is suitable for me, then consider if a cat could live well & comfortably - with me - that's the big question.

Whatever plant you choose to plant in Woofa's honour & memory, I'm sure you'll choose the right one.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Hanna3 · ‎21-10-2023

Thank you mmMekitty for your kind thoughts. Yes I keep thinking I see Sam in the house and I sometimes can't believe he's gone it was so sudden. For some reason I can't cry - it's just a huge feeling of sorrow. Tears would be easier. It was so hard watching life be taken away from him. I think he was so close to dying anyway. I knew that morning that he was dying.

If you could transfer to another home and you chose the breed of the cat carefully, there are some that are more inclined to just be sleepy and less active that might be safer for you?

I don't understand why they can't let you have a pet there, pets are known to be important for our well-being, especially people who live alone.

Doolhof · ‎21-10-2023

Dear Paws, Hannah and mmMekitty,

Saying goodbye to a pet can be very heart-breaking and difficult, they are such a huge part of our lives, means o much, are wonderful company and make life so much more tolerable on horrible days. My thoughts are with you all. It doesn't matter if your loss is recent or some time ago, saying goodbye brings about many emotions.

Our dear old cat died in July. We are fortunate to have land around out home, so I buried puss under a gum tree. I go and sit near her grave and have a chat with her now and then. Once the soil has all settled I would put some pebbles on her grave and keep the weeds down around it.

I gave all of her bedding to people who have stray cats hanging around their house so they now have somewhere cosy to sleep.

We have been fortunate enough to be able to adopt a couple of indoor cats who are 18 months old. They have their own personalities and we are all getting used to each other.

Having a special plant or some kind of item as a memory of your pet can help with the grieving. Thinking of you all, kind thoughts from Dools

mmMekitty · ‎21-10-2023

Thank You, Dools & Hanna.

Yeah, Hanna, I could have another here, but upon reflection, I don't think this bunch of units is the best place for a pet, cat or dog.

Dools, I like the idea of having the tree, to be able to sit underneath, & to in some way, still care for your cat. It's lovely.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Hanna3 · ‎22-10-2023

Thanks Paws, Dools, mmMekitty and all,

I'm OK now I feel I did what was best for Sam. The vet and nurse were very kind and it was a peaceful death and I was with him.

I'm just sad to be without him of course. In time there will be another dog that needs a home.

Thank you for your kindness. MmMekitty I was thinking of a transfer to somewhere different altogether but that may not be the right thing for you, I understand you have your support people there.

Paws I hope you are OK.

🙏🌹

Hanna3 · ‎22-10-2023

MmMekitty, Housing Plus and Community Housing Ltd are putting up very nice units and villas as affordable housing. There are very nice one bedroom villas - so with a little courtyard - in Orange and Mudgee and Armidale in NSW - I'm not sure what they have in Queensland but they are new and so much nicer than the public housing units and you can transfer across to them.

Paw Prints · ‎22-10-2023

Hello Dools, mmMekitty & Hannah,

Dools I think that is a lovely idea having puss under a gum tree where you can sit & feel close to her. Do you have a garden table & chairs set up under the gum tree so you can sit there with a cuppa?

Hannah it's ok if you don't cry, I know you must be missing him terribly. Grief takes many forms.

mmMekitty I was thinking an older rescue cat might be the go for you if you do consider getting one, as that way you could get one suited to your situation unlike getting a kitten which would be into everything & be a ball of mischief.

I've had a very long day today as I went to the big city. I left early & visited my sister to drop off all the dog food I have, before going to join some old friends for lunch. An early night tonight.

Hugs

Paws

mmMekitty · ‎22-10-2023

Paws ... yeah, but ... I LOVE the kitten (& puppy) stuff!

Indeed, I'd get a rescue cat again. Or if by chance a stray was to find me again, & if no-one claims them, I would take them in, if/when I am in a more suitable accomadation myself. Mostly, I want a secure oure area outside, with direct access to go in & out of the flat/house as they would like, but not be able to wander the neighbourhood. I want a proper cat enclosure.

I'd also like a support worker they'd get to know, so the worker could help with the care of the cat, too.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Hanna3 · ‎23-10-2023

Hi Paws, I'm glad to hear you had a day away even if it meant a long drive to the city - I think a trip away from the house and to give the food away was a good idea! Good on you for managing it all.

Mmekitty the new villas that are going up would suit you perfectly by the sound - one bedroom, ground floor with a small courtyard - so some outdoor space - oh and they have reverse cycle heating and cooling! It would be so good for you.

Years ago here they had an elderly blind woman housed on the top flooor, with the only access to her unit being up two flights of steep stairs. Public housing can be appalling - how could they think it was OK to put her up stairs - she had to feel with her stick to carry her bag of garbage out.. Housing always said they had nowhere else to home her, but I am sure they could have found a ground floor unit somewhere.

I am going to keep little Sam's ashes and maybe sprinkle some on some places he was happy, and perhaps later on plant a tree... it's very quiet without him....