Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

 I just thought I’d mention something that helped me after my Mum died. I’d been living with her over the last 11 months of her life, so I relate to that empty feeling in the house. Someone suggested to me to just keep talking to her like she’s there which might be comforting. So I did, not necessarily all the time, but I’d tell her about things and say good night before I went to bed. I found it kind of made me feel a bit more normal as she died suddenly like your dear Woofa and I know how hard it is when they’re suddenly not there. Only do that if it helps of course. For me I found it kind of calmed my nervous system down somehow and helped adjust to the sudden change. It was like a gentle way of helping to transition into a new reality.

I totally understand about not wanting to focus on sorting Woofa’s things as it brings up so much. I think you can take as long as you want to do that and it’s ok to wait to whenever you feel able to do certain things. There is no need to feel any pressure to do anything by a certain time. And that’s great to focus on what you have achieved. It’s so important to be gentle with yourself and often only small steps are possible when experiencing grief.

 I understand that feeling of being more motivated at night. I sometimes find I’m more focused at night that I’m able to be in the day. I think go with whatever you feel right now.

Take care Paws and sending you a big hug 🤗 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Paws, ER & everyone

Seems you are finding your way through your grief.

You go right ahead & do what yu need, be it in the middle of the night or not. 

At first, I was confused about what to do about Mekitty's things. For a while, I could barely touch them, to move them at all, but eventually, having them there all the time was too painful, so I moved some things into corners, then out into a charity so (hoping) another cat would enjoy them. Some things, though, no, wren't re-usable, while other small things, I decided to keep. I realise I would never have removed all ther things from my flat.

& then I had the photos, which I would not have lost for the world, but did when my PC's hard drive crashed. My one photo (the picture I use here), is so precious.

If you ever want to talk to someone directly, there is Griefline, 1300 845 745. They also have a forum, & I read on their website, they understand any loss can lead to grief. So, Griefline is for anyone grieving anyone or anything at whatever stage they are in their grief.

& it's nationwide, 8am -8pm, AEST, 7 days/wk.

I'd found myself talking to Mekitty, too, just making casual comments, as if she would care, about things I'd see & hear, or some thought I'd had ... I felt a bit odd, but it also felt & happened so naturally. Nothing wrong if it is a little odd - it's just a continuation of the relationship you have with your pet.

Although I've lost her physical presence in my life, I have not lost our relationship.

& now I've been able to share her with people here on BB.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws,Grandy,mmMekitty and everyone

Thank you for that nice invitation Paws - how are you going?  I might take up that kind offer of a return for a bit - poor little Sam suddenly became very sick a few days ago when he suddenly collapsed.  The vet isn't sure if it's a heart problem, he has a murmur - he has a nasty sinus infection as well - so I have my nurse's cap on caring for him but he is very poorly and I am very worried about him.  The vet said there is no way he will return to how he was, but if she can find out it's a heart problem she may be able to give him meds to improve his life.

I can relate to the police problem mmMekitty - we phone them here but mostly they don't turn up - i think they are fed up dealing with drug addicts... these people are alsos stealing clothes off the clothes lines, so we cannot hang out our washing.

Grandy, I am in contact with a lady in the USA who is in agony afer a fall damaging the muscles in her arm - I told her about your experience with the steroid shots and she said this has given her hope.

So Paws I hope you are OK, and I will now return to try to see how poor little Sam is going - he was cuddling up to me on the bed this morning just seeking comfort.  It's all horrible, isnt it?  Hugs to all.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws & everyone

Tonight, Paws, Iwanted to check-in on you, see how you are going & seen that Hanna has been checking-in on you earlier today.

& Hanna's dear Sam has very worrisome health problems _ I do hope the vet can help Sam.

I keep thinking how these furry friends in our lives come to mean so much to us, & I think, in their own way, we mean more than a meal & a sfe & comfortable place to sleep.

I was thinking today how Mekitty, being a cat, may not have had the same need for social interactions as dogs, but still, sometimes, she would seek me out, or put up with my non-sense, when she didn't have to, so I guess, she wanted to, or had some other need which meant she needed me & my presence, maybe my body heat, maybe because it felt nice to claw my feet, to treat my toes & fingers as 'pseudo-prey' for her amusement ... I don't know, just that it was not always about food.

I'm sure Hanna, that you are taking very good care of Sam, helping him feel secur whilce he feels so ill & therefor, vulnerable. Am ill or injured animal is certainly vulnerable, so I feel sure Sam could be feeling very vulnerable & he appreciates your care.

Similarly, Paws, I'm sure Woofa appreciated your loving care, too.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Hanna3]

Thank you mmMekitty. Little Sam is being put to sleep today. We discovered he has severe diabetes and is suffering so ill now his little body is exhausted.

He was absolutely fine until a few days ago when he suddenly crashed.

I am spending some quiet time with him before I have to take him to the vet one last time.

And then I will cry and cry and cry without him. It's so horrible losing him. 

[Hanna3]

I'm sure your kitty did love you mmMekitty. Cats just show love differently to dogs. I have no doubt the cat I had as a girl did love me.

It sounds like you gave mmMekitty a wonderfully loving home. 

[Paw Prints]

Dear Hannah,

Oh lass I'm so sorry I haven't been on here for a few days & I've just seen your messages. I'm heartbroken for you having to say goodbye to your gorgeous Sam. My tears are flowing for you, however long we have them with us it is never long enough. Sam was such a lovable boy, I really felt I got to know him with your stories of what the two of you got up too, especially his expeditions into the chilly waters of the local river which always made me smile. 

sending you the gentlest of hugs & a belly rub to Mr Sam

Paws

[Hanna3]

Thank you Paws.  I am just home now.  I gave little Sam the tranqulllizer pills as the vet said to do, an hour before we left home, so he was dopey when we put him in the car and went to the vet.  My friend came with me.  I don't think he was really aware of what was going on and passed away on the vet's table with me stroking his head. Now the house is silent and empty, and I know you know how that is.  Doesn't it feel strange when we don't have to fix their dinner or have that furry little thing in the house with us.  

i think his little body had almost given up, he was so tired.  I spent yesterday evening and this morning with him at home, but mostly he just slept.  He had some treats, and a little while lying on the grass outside.  He gave me lots of love, and I loved him.  Now I have to somehow move on.. I hoped he would live a few more years, but he must have had health problems that we didn't know about, or came on suddenly the vet thinks.

How are you managing Paws?  It's very hard isn't it.  I am going to have a rest now - I feel so sad.  Big hugs and thank you for your kind thoughts.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hannah,

They let us know when it is time to let them go... and because we love them, we do let them go... though it breaks our heart... Lass let yourself grieve for Sam, if it helps to talk about him, you can always chat here.  We all grieve differently (yet also the same) & our grief will take however long it takes. 

Hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

Thank you for popping in to see how I am... you are such a lovely puddy tat.

It will be 4 weeks next Monday since Woofa gained his wings... I'm still only slowly going through his things... his food & water bowl though both empty are still in their usual place & I walk past them whenever I go into the kitchen... I'm still not ready to put them away yet... I still look for him & I miss him terribly. 

As I'm sure I've said befor I am putting his ashes in a big plant pot & then filling it with soil & planting something to remember him by... the pot will be too big to put his collar around it (which is a nice idea I've seen done), so I want to choose a plant I think suits him... I haven't thought of one yet but there is no rush. My previous dog used to do belly flops into the lavender bushes I had at my old place so it was simple to choose which plant would be best for him, Woofa is a bit harder.

From what I've seen cats are very different to dogs when it comes to how they interact with their humans... they don't seem to have that 'need to please' that most dogs have... Croix's Sumo cat springs to mind... I think that makes it rather special for their humans when they do want to be close & shows a high level of trust in their human. 

I think I read (but I can't remember on which thread) that you said you would like to have another cat... as I think a cat would be very lucky to have you as its human... I'm guessing that you aren't allowed pets in your rental... I have been pondering how to get around that & you might be able to get a cat as a emotional support or mental health support animal... just an idea you might want to think about

Hugs

Paws