Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[mmMekitty]

Hello everyone, how are we all today?

Weather was fine & warm, & while doing my swimming laps in the hydrotherapy pool, I thought of dogs, & you both, Paws & Hanna. My swimming is more like dog paddle, so sometimes, I have to laugh at myself & call out "Woof! Woof!" & imagine I am a big dog swimming for all I am worth. My legs are spinning, kicking, & I'm trying to keep my nose above the surface, & it's fun so my tail is wagging, too. So, maybe I have a little of Sam & Woofa living within me? Maybe. It sure isn't Mekitty, because she would not have been anywhere near so much water.

I wonder if there is a particular tree nearby, where Sam used to like to stop, maybe for a rest? If it's not too big a type of tree,maybe one like that?

I don't understand the state housing decisions either, Hanna. I think the main problem is that there are far too many people needing housing - any housing.

Hugzies Paws & Hanna

 mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty, Hannah,

There is something special about the antics of kittens & puppies isn't there. mmMekitty I will keep everything crossed that you can find a suitable home in your area so you can have the joy of another kitty. 

I can't believe how much I slept after yesterday, I went to bed at 9pm & must have fallen asleep straight away & apart from getting up in the night to go to the loo I slept until 4:30pm this afternoon. That is over 19 hours!!! I must have needed it, even if I didn't realise I did. 

I usually feel like I'm just watching on, rather than being part of any gathering, be it friends or family. Yet this year for some unknown reason I have actually felt like I belonged & was wanted at a couple of the gatherings I've been to. Yesterday was one of those days & it was a lovely feeling. I even felt welcome at my sisters where I often feel I'm being a bother by visiting. 

Despite all the sleep I'm feeling ready for bed. 

Sweet dreams

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hello Paws,

I'm sure, at least I imagine there must be, a thing called emotional exhaustion.  It's like when becoming overwhelmed for days then the mind knows you need a rest, so you sleep.

I've also thought being emotional can make my body feel tired, too.

Try to not be concerned about why, just be happy you've turned a corner, & a change is happening, one which feels good.

Enjoy the feelings you had being with those people. No longer are you basically in the room feeling like you don't belong. If they are enjoying your company & you are enjoying theirs, then let everyone enjoy!

Hugzies & sweet dreams, too. 

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

mmMekitty we must have cross posted last night.

I did chuckle at the mental image of you going woof woof as you swam along. You must have been channelling Sam (who we know loved swimming) as there is no way Woofa would ever agree to even get his paws wet, let alone all of himself. Though I'm sure he & mmMekitty would have been happily snoozing on a comfortable poolside lounge cheering you on in their dreams.

I've bought the big pot to put Woofa's ashes in & I have bought a grevillea which has red with yellow flowers to go in it. I decided on the grevillea for him as he was a fawn colour (yellow) & red collars, coats etc really suited him, plus he retained that soft puppy coat on most of his body all through his life which made him so soft to the touch & the leaves on the grevillea are also soft to brush against. 

There have been 5 earthquakes on this side of Victoria over the past 3 days, the big one mag. 5 on Saturday night was the first time I've ever heard a quake & not just the rattling of the house it causes. I think 5 quakes is definitely more than enough & I'm hoping things will stay quiet now as I find them such an odd sensation.

Hugs 

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and mmMekitty and all here (my apologies if I have missed anyone posting, I think I have -I have read what you said but I can't seem to scroll back to check names - I am sorry)

The grevillia sounds perfect Paws.  What a lovely thing to do.  I think perhaps the trip away from your home and being with other people for a while in the city has done you good.  Sometimes a break away, even a brief one, can be so helpful - a change of scenery and some company!  

Mmekitty definitely keep watch for anything better in your city coming up - there is a woman here who kept pushing to get into some lovely units that were Legacy units for the widows of returned servicemen - they had a vacancy in one and nobody wanted it so she got a lovely unit with airconditiong and a garden... It pays to try!

Paws, I wonder if you would like two little books I would recommend for grieving dog-owners like you and me..

They are  "The Shadow Dog" by Anthony Hills (about his dog and their last walk together) and

Dog Songs by Mary Oliver - she is an American writer and these are little tributes to all the dogs she has owned and loved.  

Both of these are lovely little books - they are only small but they help me a lot. I think you would find them on Ebay or Fishpond.  

I am missing small things about little Sam ... the way he loved being brushed, giving him tummy rubs.  It's sad to see his bed empt - it's a new one I bought for him recently.  My friends got a lovely photo of him from their phone developed and have given it to me framed - Sam is lying in green grass by the river where we lived inland... he looks so happy, which he was that day.  

Paws if you have a photo, do put it in a frame and enjoy it...

Mmekitty, we have such a heatwave here - and it's so dry, all the grass is dead and there are dead trees everywhere - the land is parched.  We are in for a bad summer...  

hugs to all 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Paws & Hanna & everyone

I agree with Hanna. The way you describe it, Paws,a grevillea is a wonderful choice.

It's the 'small things' which are the things that made them individuals - not just any dog or cat. These small things are their character, how they behaved & interacted with us & with the world.

Earthquakes, eh, Paws? I think feeling them would be rather unsettling.

I've missed out on hearing about that because of so much international news, I guess.

& yeah, I fear this year will be another awful year for fire. I have heard some news about fires already.

The photo of Sam sounds lovely.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Hanna3]

Paws there are several utube channels about pet loss if you have internet access.  We have lost companionship and we are also out of our routine - I used to take Sam out for an evening walk and we'd drive to the river or beach with the windows down so he could sniff all the smells from outdoors - he loved this.  Now I still do that drive but playing music in the car ... and I take myself for a walk as I don't have Sam..

People in our culture are not good dealing with grief - other cultures allow people to vent and cry and scream - we come from the British stiff upper lip background - and we feel we have to hide our grief.  I think it's best to say to yourself, I am sad, I am grief-stricken, I miss my dog so much, I am so alone/lonely - this is going to take at least 3 months to ease and I am just going to be sad, I will accept that for some time I will be sad. 

We think people need to fight it, instead of allowing them all the time they need to feel sad and grieve.  

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws, mmMeKitty, Hanna and everyone…

I think a Grevillea is a beautiful choice…it represents Love, Faith and Calmness….

I do hope you don’t get anymore earthquakes around your area, they can feel very strange….please stay safe Dear Paws….

I also think we are in for a dry hot summer, out my way anyway..it’s so dry, with not much green grass around  and sad looking trees…..although the Canola Field do look very pretty right now….I noticed they are using big pumps from their bore water on their property….

It really was heartwarming to hear that you felt welcomed by your sister and you enjoyed yourself at the gathering….

Wow such a long sleep Paws, your body and mind must have needed it so much….I hope you continue to get good restful sleeps…

Thinking of you all with kindness and sending some hugs to everyone….🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 and a rainbow….🌈…something about seeing rainbows give me a sense of peace and joy..which I wish for you all…

Grandy..💕🤗

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna, mmMekitty, Grandy,

I saw on the news tonight how hot the weather is in NSW & Qld, all of you must be baking. It must be horrible to see it so dry so early in the season, especially with the lack of rain forecast. The weather down here is being ridiculously variable as we have a day of high 20s followed by a day about 12 deg. Today we didn't make it into double figures & it was wet & windy all day. 

Hanna that was nice of your friend to give you the framed photo of Sam, my sister gave me a photo of Woofa on slate. Actually she gave me two as the first one she had done had a small flaw which, if she hadn't pointed it out I wouldn't of noticed, but she did so she had it re-done.

It is all the little things we miss isn't it, I made some toast & found myself pulling off a crust to give to Woofa as we always shared toast. Hanna I am letting myself grieve, it's why his food & water bowls are still where they always are. When I'm ready I will put them away. How are you doing Hanna?

Hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws,

Yes we've had a few really hot days here and it's only October... We have several fires in this area and the air is full of smoke. No rain for ages and the grass is dead everywhere and the trees are dying. The fire vehicles have been screaming up and down the roads... We are in for a bad summer.

I had a phone call from someone I used to be friends with but realized she was really quite nasty and have avoided her for ages. She heard about Sam and rang and told me that his death is a great release and now I can go out more...

She always resented that I couldn't leave Sam alone for long in the unit.

I found this a horrible comment! I'll be glad never to mix with her again...

I find it's difficult to tell people about Sam as they don't know what to say.

I'm getting his ashes next week.

• I miss how much he loved being brushed, it must have felt wonderful, and giving him belly rubs!