Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

I go away for a short spell & suddenly we have Walruses offering (possibly imbibing) Galactic Gargle Blasters & a mischievous MmmKitty leading all the kiwis & penguins astray!!!!   ER I hope you have hidden the GGB well.

ER thank you for checking in on me lass I do appreciate it.  The universe just got too hard & I needed to to be an Armadillo & curl up in a ball until I felt safe enough to re-emerge.  

Oh I missed the penguin story... wow talk about taking a wrong turn... a King Penguin anywhere in Oz is a long way away from home.  I hope it wasn't too poorly & that they can feed it up & somehow return it nearer it's proper home.

How did you go with your fog photography?  I would love to see the pics as I love all things foggy (except driving in it).  It's times like this when I wish people could post images on here, but of course I realise it would be a nightmare for the moderators to have to check every one for safety.  I have 3 lovely atmospheric photos that I bought from a local photographer when I was in Scotland (pre internet days), whilst none were actually fog as such, they were that lovely Autumn light where it is late in the day with the light coming in on the angle & that soft haziness you can get on such days softening the highland valleys.  Do you get that hazy Autumn light where you are?  I remember we used to get it a lot in Melbourne when I was a little nipper, but it is rare these days, though that may just be where I now live.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Yes, I think the kiwis may have mistaken the Galactic Gargle Blasters in the fridge as something to gargle with if they have a sore throat. As a bit of a bug has been circulating among the kiwis, they've been gargling rather a lot. This has led them to both gargle and blast around the interior of the igloo, like mini rocket ships. Feathers are flying as they circulate in an erratic fashion. I think the walrus may be getting vertigo. This has made the penguins somewhat manic as they attempt to leap up and take down a kiwi to control the situation, but alas the situation is now out of control 🙈

I'm glad you are ok Paws and I totally understand wanting to be an Armadillo. I actually think humans could do with a protective shell from time to time. On days where I just want to slow down and then stop, I think being a Galapagos Tortoise would be good. I remember hearing a Spike Milligan spoken word thing where he is an elderly English aristocrat reading out an inventory of the strange collection of objects he has in his attic. It's so eccentric and goes something like, "One small brown box inside another small brown box, one ball of string, one Galapagos Tortoise on wheels..." 😂 For some reason I found this hilarious and it does seem to be a thing, English aristocrats collecting strange ramdom objects. I tried to find it online but couldn't, but it made me think of the hilarious Shaun Micallef skit "Spiffington Manse" which is also about wealthy English aristocrats having too many random objects crammed into one room. That one is on YouTube.

In the end there was no fog that morning and I also realised I was very tired, so I didn't go out after all. I did go out yesterday in the late afternoon. It's the first time I think I'd been out with my camera since January and the first time with my telephoto lens for much longer. I got some photos of a Nankeen Kestrel which is a small bird of prey, a raven in flight and two seagulls in silhouette with sun rays behind them. They look ok on the back of the camera but may not be as good when I put them on the computer. But it was good to have gone out to that spot anyway which is my favourite ocean spot I go to.

The atmospheric photos from Scotland sound lovely. Autumn light is just beautiful. Sometimes you do get light a bit like that here, such as a bit after sunrise on the river or in the late afternoon at the ocean spot I go to. I think the haziness by the ocean is usually the mist from the sea crashing onto the shore. Overall here though the air is very clear a lot of the time. One thing I have noticed about Melbourne is that the air feels heavier. It's a hard thing to explain, but it's like there is a blanket of thicker air, whereas here the air is very light and clear. It feels like air masses kind of sit on Melbourne, whereas here they move through constantly. In Perth it's similar where air moves through all the time and feels light. It's nice you have those memories of the hazy autumn light from childhood. I think children really feel their environment and pick up on those sensory things.

Wishing you, Croix and anyone reading a peaceful day.

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear Paws and ER~

I think you said it "alas the situation is now out of control".  I too tried to look up that radio sketch but had no luck, a lot of Mr Milligan's work  was off the cuff and not scripted or discarded as was part of his BBC "Q" series. I did however find pictures of Galapagos Tortoises on wheels which apparently were used with success for missing limbs. Ta ER for broadening my education 🙂

We have a lot of mist and fog here in winter, with the local airport being closed frequently till mid afternoon. I too dislike driving in it but am lucky I only have to use familiar roads -did you know stray livestock have no headlights or reflectors?

My most lasting memory is walking about a 1/2 mile down a country lane from the vicarage to the bus stop on the way to and from school. It was narrow and dark in the winter and the fog made the leafless trees seem very menacing.

The moral being not to flatten the torch reading under the blankets.

Dear Paws, if you can't mange an armadillo, which I agree is necessary at times, then how about a hedgehog? They curl up just the same  and have cute wiffley noses. They used to come to the back door for milk and eggs of an evening when I was young.

ER I'm glad you brought the camera out of hibernation, you always seem to relish it.

Croix

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

My poor Rhino must be wondering what he has wandered into 🤔 I promised him a peaceful getaway... 🙊  Having Kiwis blasting about the place causing Walrus giddiness & no doubt a cacophony of burps was definitely not on the holiday schedule.   Hmmm... I wonder if we can get Professor Porpoise to claim it as a marvellous avant-garde special event put on by him.  Hinting it is something only a few privileged persons have ever been permitted to view might make it acceptable to a Rhino 🦏 far from home.  Otherwise we will need to find something to calm his jangled nerves.

It makes sense that you find the air in Melbourne heavier than in coastal WA.  The fresh air coming straight off both the Southern & Indian oceans has nothing to hold it in place along WA's coastal areas & so it moves through freely.  The Freemantle Doctor comes to mind as one of the more well known weather patterns out your way.  Melbourne is more sheltered & is in a bowl surrounded by mountain ranges, plus the bay blocks a lot of the gentler southerlies, so the air can settle.  After I posted yesterday I did think of one major change from the Autumns I remember as a nipper & now...  back then everyone had backyard incinerators & Autumn was the time to prune or clear out garden beds etc.  Burning all the garden waste was normal back then, so the air was probably more hazy from smoke than mist now I think about it. 

It is good to hear you got out with your camera, even if there was no fog.  How are you travelling lass?  It is ok if you don't want to talk about things, whatever feels best for you.

Gentle hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Croix, that's interesting about the Galapagos Tortoise on wheels. I think the one Spike Mlligian was talking about was a stuffed tortoise, but the one you found is actually helping a tortoise with missing limbs, which is so nice. I've seen similar contraptions for dogs without limbs.

Yes, it would be great if livestock came with reflectors. That's something Professor Porpoise could work on!

I remember you mentioning about your torch batteries running out from secret night time reading. It would have been spooky in the fog making your way to the bus stop.

Paws, the poor Rhino will indeed be confused as it was already going to be a bit of a culture shock being on an iceberg with a whole new bunch of creatures, but kiwis whizzing around under the influence of Gargle Blaster will really be a bit much. I do think, though, that your suggestion of a rarely seen avant garde performance is excellent. We can sell it as a most unique cultural experience.

Yes, Melbourne really does have that more sheltered feeling. The Bay really helps create a different climate system. The Fremantle Doctor is like a daily fresh air clean out. I remember my cousin visiting from Adelaide and actually being a bit overwhelmed by it as it was a bit too windy for her. Adelaide is on a gulf so it is not quite as exposed as the WA coast.

Ah, yes, the burning from the incinerators would make sense. We had one of those growing up and my parents put all kinds of stuff in it including things I suspect would not be considered safe to burn these days, but that's what everyone did back then. Our incinerator was under a Fiddlewood Tree which is resistant to fire, but nonetheless I feared it would catch fire as the flames flickered away. I would watch out the back window just in case, so I could see if it did catch fire (you can tell I was risk averse).

Thanks for asking how I am. I had a really rough few weeks as I reduced the hormone medication which helps reduce the histamine intolerance issue which is very debilitating, but then the lower hormone levels led to severe depression. I upped the hormone meds but I'm back to major histamine symptoms again, but have increased meds for that which are controlling it a little better. But I've now added in an atypical antidepressant as well. I think that's helped a little. I started it a week ago. About 4pm today I had a strong bout of dizziness and nausea which are known side effects in the first 1-2 weeks, so I expect that's the cause. It can affect the liver so I will have to routinely test for that because of my liver condition. To be honest, at times, I'm extremely low and feel very lost, still struggling with huge amounts of dissociation and trying to manage DID which tends to be more chaotic in the first couple of years that it emerges into consciousness. I've always been living with it but just didn't know. I'm seeing the GP for a mental health care plan review tomorrow. I sometimes don't know what to do anymore. However, when I was severely depressed by the ocean the other day I asked one of my alters if he could show me something that helps. He often shares visions with me as his way of communicating, and he showed me a comical and hilarious looking Loch Ness Monster emerging from the sea, so I had a bit of a laugh. As long as there is still a sense of humour it helps.

I do hope you are doing ok Paws? Of course it's really ok if you're not feeling ok. I know it's really tough sometimes. Always here for you if you need to share how you are feeling.

Gentle hugs to you both,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello Croix & ER,

Croix you must have posted at the same time with me.   I would have no objection to being a hedgehog🦔, I find them totally adorable.  Dare I admit even cuter than echidnas. 🙊 I wish I could have seen one in the wild on my trips to the UK, though with them being good at hiding & nocturnal my chances I know were slim at best.  I love that your family used to put out milk & eggs for them when you were young.  I read the BBC news site & they often have stories about the hedgehogs & how the are disappearing from the countryside which is so sad.  Reading their stories about how everyday people are trying to reverse the trend do brighten my days, especially the little things people can do to help like leave a corner of their garden wild & cutting hedgehog doorways in their fences to help the hedgehogs traverse suburbia.  I think your idea is a good one, curling up like a hedgehog doesn't only need to be when things get too hard, they also curl up to sleep or rest & recharge which is a good strategy to copy & help balance things out I could copy.

ER now you mention it I'm sure all sorts of probably unsuitable things went in our incinerator too.  I think if our incinerator had been near a tree, however fire resistant, I would have been like you & felt the need to watch it to feel safe.

I so hope the new antidepressant will be a good fit for you & be of help. You & your alters are going through huge changes & disruptions any additional help must be welcome for you all.  I do think it wonderful that you are starting to find connections that are helpful with your alters, being able to ask & to receive just what you need shows you are all making some good progress together even if it doesn't always feel that way.  Hmmm. I thought the King Penguin you mentioned was off course... Nessie is certainly a long way from home... though perhaps not🤔... the loch is deep & there might be a crack at the bottom that connects straight through to the WA coast?????

There has been some much needed showers of rain here & I hope you are both getting some needed rain too.

Hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Dear Paws and ER~

Talking of rain we are in the middle of a rainstorm this evening, so I had to go out and open the gates  and move the dog seat so Mrs C could drive straight in. Foxy Dog poked her snoot outside the back door while I was doing this, decided that you would not send a dog out on a night like this and went back inside to the comforts of her pink blanket.

Your mention of Nessie reminds me of mist and Loch Ness. Years ago the first Mrs C and I hired a rowing boat at Fort Augustus and I rowed out, however it started to get just a little misty so one was almost enclosed in our own little world. This made me think of the  deep black water underneath us so I turned around and paddled back to the wharf flat out. Quite unnerving.

Then again there is the other aspect, The Goodies Loch Ness Monster obviously made from a set of inner tubes tied together with Graeme Garden pretending to be Fife Robertson (well known Scottish television journalist and broadcaster) in a similar rowboat contending the monster did not exist whilst it sailed right behind him 

I too think its a very good idea ER to have your personas help you when needed. I hope you mange to achieve a balance with your medication.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

I too love hedgehogs. I have read about English people who keep hidden places for them in their garden and so they have resident hedgehogs. I was just bringing in my washing and noticing the diggings of quendas (bandicoots) in my back lawn and garden, so I guess they are my version of hedgehog visitors. I watched a couple of them hop along after each other out there not long ago.

Paws, I remember my parents putting plastics in the incinerator, like washing detergent bottles! I'm sure that was extremely toxic to burn. There was no recycling back then. They might have thought it was better than it going to landfill, but it meant a lot of toxic fumes floating about instead. When you think about plastics only becoming commonplace in homes in the middle of last century, I guess people were used to more natural materials and maybe didn't think about the chemical composition of plastics much, at least for a few decades.

Croix, I had such a lovely picture in my mind of cute little Foxy Dog looking out the door during a rainstorm before deciding that her pink blanket was the comfy place to be. I imagine Sumo was not impressed by the weather.

That was brave of you to row out onto Loch Ness. I'm sure others who have done that have been spooked too. I know I probably would, waiting for Nessie to emerge from the mist and maybe capsize the boat. Yikes! But, yes, there is an hilarious side to the Loch Ness Monster too. There was a TV show run by Julian Clary, I think it was in the early 90s, where contestants had to compete in various tasks. I remember this episode where they had a few minutes to paint their own version of the Loch Ness Monster. I found the way their Nessie pictures came out totally hilarious, and even just the fact grown adults were making such pictures as if they were in kindergarten. I tried to find it online but haven't been able to yet.

I don't think the medication is helping now and I think it's making things worse. This morning I had extremely bad depression and strong and persistent ideation. I felt like I was losing it. Unlike yesterday though where I could not shower or get dressed, I did go out for a walk this afternoon. It was beautifully sunny here. Since getting back though I'm feeling pretty bad again with anxiety now too. I know antidepressants can get worse before they get better, but my state of mind is really bad. I know I often sound upbeat but that is just my ability to mask.

I think a complicating factor with DID is different parts can be affected differently by the same medication too. It's known that different parts can vary in terms of having an allergy or not, even in terms of eye prescriptions. But I feel I have no medical professional I can talk safely with at all about this (because of DID stigma and non-understanding), and even if it was safe, I don't think they'd know what to do about it. So I think I need to stop the medication and see if I improve. I think it has sedated me a bit, but the depression level is incredibly awful. I've read others describe similar effects on the Reddit forum. I've been on it for 9 days but I'm not sure I can persist further like this to see if it gets better.

It's still lovely here with a gentle breeze and late afternoon sun. It is cooling though and I think it might be a cool night with clear skies tonight. I hope you both, and anyone reading, are having a peaceful evening.

Hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I just found the Julian Clary episode where there was a Loch Ness Monster painting competition. It's 20 minutes into the episode entitled: "Sticky Moments On Tour with Julian Clary - Scotland". They only have 35 seconds to paint their monster. This appealed to my sense of humour at the time. It aired in 1990 so I would have been 15.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Foxy Dog sounds very wise saying out of the rain.  I hope her humans are properly trained to hold an umbrella over her when she does need to go out. 😂

You & Mrs C were very brave going out in a rowboat on the loch, mist or no mist. Given how deep & cold the lochs are I was more than content to view them safely from the shore.

Lass you can only do what you feel is best for you & your safety.  Trying to adjust to a new med & it's possible side effects without support is hard enough without the added complication of DID.  Lass please call the help lines as many times as you need when you are so deeply down... even if it's a lot of times over a short period.  You do matter lass & you do deserve help.   

You are so well self educated about your mental health that I'm probably going to tell you something you already know... I googled WA psychiatrists who specialise in DID & there are some.  I found one which bulk bills, but it is telehealth only.  I was thinking if you could get the NDIS then you could get more targeted help through one of them or even choose one from out of state if you wished.  I do worry about you... trying to do everything with just your psychologist rather than specialist help makes your journey that much harder.  Please don't feel pressured to do this or to even just look into it... especially not now while you are struggling so much.  I just wanted to put the idea out there.

It is wintery here today... apparent temperature didn't get over 6 deg & the wind is straight off Antarctica blowing a gale.  I'm having a very early night tonight & I'm planning on going into big town tomorrow... fingers crossed I do.

Hugs

Paws