Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

No, the incident with the dog did not trouble my sleep. It was just C1’s reaction at the time to sudden, unexpected sensory impact. For example, two mornings ago, I was walking down a street in the CBD and a motorcyclist revved past loudly at speed. I felt a surge of fear, and again it was C1. This time I could quickly visually see her, and I felt this small, nine-year-old holding my hand, saying that was loud. I could then just reassure her that everything is okay, but I am so aware that she gets sudden pangs of fear, which I will feel in my body. Now that I am aware of my dissociative system, I can more easily do something to calm the part that is distressed. The hardest part to calm is my baby self that I have struggled to form a relationship with. I know this alter formed at actual birth and was consolidated in the days that followed. Since the EMDR, which smashed down my internal protective barriers, I still get episodes of waking with surges of terror, and I did again at 5am this morning and found myself calling out for help. They only usually last for about 10 to 20 minutes now, but not always. It’s very strong nausea and pure terror. They can happen even after a peaceful, positive dream, so the actual trigger is just the waking up itself. Another alter, D, looks after this baby self for me because I am mostly unable to. But since the EMDR, he has been unable to do anything about these surges of terror. I’ll try and make contact with him shortly though. My system is trying to resolve this trauma by reenacting it. I agree with you about the dog, that the owners are not appropriately protecting the dog without appropriate training, which actually puts the dog at risk, not just other people.

With any property I consider I will need to enquire about all costs, including strata fees and the council rates for that area too. I walked through a few inner city suburbs yesterday. There was one in particular that I liked where I felt a sense of community. I listen to how my body feels in the area. I’m not in a position to act on it right now, but I’ll probably ring the real estate agent to ask some questions to get a sense of what the strata fees would be on a place like that. Later, I walked through a wealthy suburb that was very leafy and green where there are a couple of units for sale. But there was no sense of community. The units also looked like they might be cold and damp which may explain their lower price. In this suburb, people in their wealthy cars did not even stop for me at the crosswalk. It was mostly deserted, except for a couple of executive looking men talking on their phones and a woman walking her dog. I looked to say hello, but her face showed she was clearly not interested in saying hello. This was totally the opposite of my experience in the other suburbs, where people always stopped for me at crosswalks and there were many friendly hellos with people on the street. Just completely different. I have experienced similar things in different suburbs in Perth, having rented in a wide range of socioeconomic areas there.

I’m looking forward to further exploration today. Overall, I do feel a sense of belonging here. After resting a couple of hours late yesterday afternoon, I was out in the CBD again, and I felt so in the flow of everything. It was bustling and I feel at home in that. I had dinner at a place that serves inexpensive vegetarian meals for $10. It was delicious and included a dessert. I could have got a further discount with my concession card, but I chose not to, as I wanted to support them with what they do for the community by providing cheaper meals. There’s plenty of homeless people around and if they can manage to get a few dollars in a day, they can buy a meal there. A few nights ago, I saw a young woman of about 18 lying in her sleeping bag in the CBD watching some street performers. I thought of myself at 18 and how vulnerable I was, and how it is wrong and extremely tough for such a young person to be in that situation. It’s widespread in Perth now with people sleeping rough in many areas and it’s even in my area in regional WA. While I get scared about my financial future, I know I am still extremely fortunate that I can consider places to live at all.

I’m glad you are generally feeling better, even though you still have the blocked nose and cough. The coughs can be a frustrating thing at the end, but hopefully this one will not persist for long. I hope you are enjoying some soothing, warm beverages.

Wishing you a lovely, peaceful and healing day Paws. Big hugs, ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

There are a few low cost vegetarian restaurants in Melbourne, but it sounds like you were at the one run by the Hare Krishna's which has been around for decades & has become part of the fabric of Melbourne.  They also provide free meals at their temple & have done so since the 70s.  Back in the early 80s when I worked in the city it was part of daily life to encounter devotees in their orange robes & sandals trying to drum up support & donations.  

There are angels walking amongst us.  Well more very kind & helpful strangers who care about the people in their area.  One of the locals (a CFA member) who passes my place each day on his way to work has stopped off a few times now to check if I am ok as he doesn't see much movement here.  Today he stopped in & offered to come & mow my place to get it down for summer.  He actually apologised that would only be able to do it in his spare time so he can't do it all in one go & he was only going to ask me to pay $40/hr.  The man is a saint... I told him I couldn't agree to anything less than $80/hr.  Yes that is lot for me & it will take a lot of work to get it back down as it has gone totally wild since my mower stopped working, but I couldn't in have agreed to the lower amount in any good conscience.  

The growing homeless problem is a disgrace.  As a society we used to be proud of our social housing & for a time we did actually stop blaming the poor for being poor, unfortunately in the 90s the politicians saw a ready scapegoat for their 'them & us' politics & it all went down hill rapidly.  

You have me thinking about how I no longer know the places you are exploring.  Everything has been changing so fast & areas that were working class in my day have been gentrified & are now nothing like I remember them.  One of my trips to see family last year I was diverted due to roadworks & went through an area I once worked in.  I was genuinely shocked by how much it had changed, I recognised nothing apart from the street names.

How has your exploration been going?  Are you still checking out the inner suburbs or have you moved to check out some of the outer ones that are on train lines?

I hope you have allowed yourself some time to wander some of the gardens & meet the wildlife.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, it was the Hare Krishna’s place. I’ve eaten there 3 times now! The food is so yummy. I caught up with my relative today which was really lovely. I think I’m increasingly honing it down to what may be my preferred areas. Since yesterday I’m in a suburban area on the train line. It’s a spot I like with some close proximity to nature, but may be a bit isolated from community connection here. When I went to the nearest nature area I had a pair of Superb Fairywrens come and say hello and hop about me. I’ve been hearing different bird calls but don’t know them all. I wake up here to birds including magpies who warble in a different dialect to WA ones, though their squawking babies demanding food sound the same 😂 I saw a Grey Currawong in South Melbourne the other day which surprised me, as we have them in the nature areas surrounding my town but they never come into the town and are extremely flighty and disappear once they see you. This Victorian one wasn’t shy at all.

I’m so glad the local CFA member has stopped in to check up on you to see if you’re ok and offer to mow your place. It is really meaningful to know other people are looking out for you and aware of your existence. That’s kind of you to offer to pay him more. I pay the lawnmower who does the common areas where I live to also mow my little patch at the back. I pay $25 and he does it every 3 weeks, but it only takes him minutes as it’s small. The common areas are paid for through the strata reserve fund. It will be great knowing your place is ready for summer. He will have all the tools to get it sorted.

Yes, I’m sure some of those gentrified areas are ones I’ve been through. My relative was telling me today how they were previously working class. There are similar areas in Perth in the inner-city that have now become ultra gentrified and are very expensive. I have read how one of the richest streets in one of Perth’s wealthiest suburbs once had an open sewer running down it and was very poor. How times change as the edge of cities move continuously outwards.

The place I’m staying in now is with a friendly host and her gorgeous little dog who has just been climbing on me. I think I’ll be off to bed early to get a good sleep for more exploring tomorrow.

May you have a lovely sleep Paws 😴

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Well I've spent the bulk of today stressing over agreeing to having my yards mowed & cleared, my paranoia has been running at full speed.  He did turn up about 5pm & got a lot done in the 2 hours he was here, but I spent that time hiding on my couch.  When he knocked to let me know he was done & to sign off the times I stressed out completely & he tried to make small talk, but I just wanted him gone.  Knowing he won't be here tomorrow is such a relief.  

I'm glad your catch up with your relative went well.  Of course you are staying with someone with a furry friend, I couldn't imagine you staying somewhere without one. 🐶

I've started the following sentence about a dozen times trying to make it make sense.  Something you will want to keep in mind is the inner suburbs may seem to have better community connection, but you may find they also have a lot more noise of an evening & night, especially on weekends.  Perhaps a suburb where you are closer to nature & hopefully in a quieter area might be worth considering.  Especially if you can get somewhere close to the public transport to enable you to easily get in & out of the city.  Just a thought as I don't like to hear the bustle of the city around me, but of course you might. 

I hope you had a good explore today.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m sorry to hear of the stress today. It’s so difficult isn’t it. I can relate to an extent as I’ve gone through similar phases where I’ve cancelled an appointment in my home and even stopped answering my door or the phone. But other times I seem to be more ok with people coming into my space who are people I don’t know well or at all. I wonder in my case if it’s a dissociative thing where it depends on which dissociative identity is fronting. I think it’s really important to be kind with yourself Paws and understand what’s happening and allow yourself the grace of going through those feelings if that makes sense? I’ve probably expressed that badly, but I think what I’m saying is we often can’t control those kinds of reactions, but sometimes just accepting them and going gently with how we’re feeling is the best thing. If hunkering down on the couch is what feels necessary, that’s ok. I’m reading Cyndi Lauper’s autobiography at the moment which is really good. When she was still very young, poor and alone in her apartment, she had awful panic attacks. She did things like emptying the space under the sink and crawling in there, or hiding in the cupboard, and staying there until she started to feel better. She would say things like, “good, I’m in the cupboard”, letting herself know it was fine to do what she was doing. Other times she’d stay in a chair or in bed until she was ready and able to get up. She said she made herself better by letting herself fall apart. She had some bad experiences with her stepfather which was her reason for leaving home and could have been a precipitating factor in these reactions. Anyway, I’m glad you can feel better now. Take good care Pawsy 🤗

Thank you regarding the suggestion of getting a balance of nature and peace with the benefits of being in an inner suburb. There is one inner suburb I liked because it did have quiet , peaceful streets and yet there was bustle not far away if wanted along with a community feeling. There was an apartment there I really liked actually that was in a converted old building. It was one bedroom and reasonably priced but under offer already since yesterday, though I wasn’t in a position to do anything at this stage.

Today I had the full gamut of emotions. I went the furthest out I’ve been and started to feel quite depressed which was a clear sign from my emotions and body that the isolation triggers me. I ended up doing an epic coastal walk along the bay and that made me feel a lot better, though I seemed to go through so many feelings on the walk. Anyway, it was lovely and I saw some large cormorants, pelicans and migratory wading birds. I even saw swans on the water at the beach which I don’t recall seeing in Perth where they’re usually on the river or lakes.

I have a sharp toothache tonight. It’s been causing pain in the past but only momentarily when biting some food and is a suspected hairline fracture that the dentist hasn’t felt the need to act on. But now, 2 hours since dinner, it has been sharply painful non-stop 😣 Darn, not what I wanted while travelling, but hoping it does ease soon.

Take care and wishing you a restful sleep and peaceful day tomorrow.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh no the toothache does not sound good.  Keep in mind now you are on the DSP if you are in pain you can get emergency/urgent dental work done at public dentists fairly promptly, plus it is free.  Getting other dental work done can take months, but they are usually pretty good at fitting someone in if you are in pain.

That is good news that you have been able to spot somewhere that would suit you even though you aren't ready to move just yet.  To have found somewhere in such a short period of searching, does bode well that you will be able to find something similar when you are ready to move.  

I spent today in bed, even when I woke I couldn't bring myself to get up, I just wanted to hide away.  Of course today being so warm I overheated as the day went on & gave myself a major headache.  I have been up since 5pm & have managed to have breakfast & my morning meds. even if it was closer to evening.  I'm already stressing about him coming back over the weekend, which I know is silly, but my flight/flight response didn't get that memo.

I hope the toothache has eased, if not pop into a chemist & ask for the gel that they rub in the gums of teething babies (I can't name it here), it can give some relief.

I hope today went better for exploring wise.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

Thanks for the info about the DSP and dental treatment. I didn’t know about that. Fortunately the toothache had subsided this morning. I think it’s purely structural and if something hard pushes into that tooth it can really aggravate a nerve. The pain just lasted longer last night than usual.

Poor Pawsy feeling so awful today you couldn’t get up. But if you needed to stay in bed it’s ok. I do understand about the overheating because I get headaches from that too. I wish I knew you in person because I could say just ring me and I’ll chat to you while he’s there doing the mowing work or I could come and visit so you have company. I understand about the flight/fight thing too. It’s so involuntary isn’t it. Peter Levine has some online examples of just holding yourself to calm the nervous system, if that’s any help. Would imagining the presence of big, lovely Woofa be of any help? I’ve found the presence of individuals within my dissociative system can be helpful if and when I’m able to make a connection. Remember too there are also helplines to chat to and that can be grounding when feeling the need for safety and calming. I’ve used them quite a bit when feeling really dysregulated. If I ever get a counselling person who isn’t the best fit, I just call again, often a different line, and usually do get someone good to talk to. Most times it’s helpful and stabilising.

This evening I’ve had a really good chat and cuppa with the woman I’m staying with who is so nice and friendly. I do find human contact and a good chat can make a world of difference. There are some lovely people out there. I’m glad I decided to spend some time with a local which has given me helpful local knowledge and info but also helped me feel connected while here.

I did more exploring along the coast today. Yesterday was actually a good day because although I felt depressive feelings earlier in the day, that was useful information that told me I don’t want to live in areas further out where I’ll feel isolated. What I’ll most likely need to do is sell my place first so I know how much I’ve got, then be housesitting/petsitting here in Melbourne for a few months while I look for a place. While I plan to sell most of what I have, anything I decide to bring with me I can put into storage, which won’t be much I think. I don’t know how I’m going to go in the future, but I’m hoping I can really improve my mental and physical health to a point I may be able to work again. I have a lot of work to do with processing in relation to the emergent DID, but that’s a good thing because it’s all coming up for a reason, like my system was ready to process, and it’s never been so clear as it is now as to what’s been going on with me my whole life.

Well, the wind is picking up out there. It was blustery on the bay. I saw kite surfers and those foil board riders with sails out there today. 

Take care Pawsy and happy to send you as many psychic hugs as you need if you are feeling vulnerable on the weekend. Reading Cyndi Lauper’s book, she says she has always felt a guardian spirit looking after her. Big supportive hugs 🤗 

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you for the hugs & the offer of a chat over a cuppa.  I did ring the BB helpline earlier while he was here, but then I disconnected the call before it got to the end of the info message at the start.  I was worried that someone in a worse place might be delayed getting through & I didn't want to waste anyone's time.  I feel like an idiot being so badly triggered by him being here.  Earlier I found myself self injuring without having been aware I was doing it, I did manage to stop once I saw what I was doing.  Since he left I have been looking at how much he has done & I'm now telling myself that soon it will be accessible for the fencing folk to come & fill the gaps, which means I will be able to put my name down for a puppy.  That is what I am now going to focus on & I have made a start this afternoon on throwing more stuff out, which I plan to do more of tomorrow while he is here.  I'm also going to print out puppy pics & put them everywhere to keep me focussed.

Selling first so you know what you have to spend is a good way to lessen the stress.  I did that moving here.  I think your idea of house or pet sitting is brilliant, what a great way to give yourself time to find the right place.  Your coming to Melbourne seems to have done what you were hoping for, you seem to have much more clarity about what you want/need & how to make the changes work for you.  

You have definitely brought WA's warm weather over with you, it is starting to feel almost summery. 🌞🕶

Hugs

Paws

I wasn't sure about mentioning it here.. our dear Grandy is seriously unwell & I thought you would want to know as you have been so supportive of her.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I really want to say that you are absolutely never wasting anyone’s time calling a helpline, and your needs are never any less than anyone else’s. Until late 2021 I had never called a helpline. Then things just hit a point due to multiple issues/events that I just knew I needed to call and talk to someone. If you are self injuring, that’s a sign of great stress and it’s important to reach out. You don’t have to disclose the s/h part on a helpline unless you want to, but just co-regulating with another human can be stabilising. I know you’ve mentioned past trauma and I wonder if you would find the Blue Knot Foundation helpful as their focus is on safety and stabilisation and they really get complex trauma. They are available 9am to 5pm everyday and you can call them once a week for 30 minutes. There can be a wait time these days. But the BB helpline and Lifeline are also good options and available 24/7. Lifeline support people going through difficult emotions generally so you don’t have to be at the most extreme end of things.

It’s good if you can focus on a plan for a puppy and I know how helpful you find having a dog is. Just a few minutes ago the little dog here was up on the bed with me. He gave me licks and I gave him pats. He is a dear little thing with a beautiful nature. He’s a rescue dog so his breed is unknown, but probably some sort of terrier in there. Anyway, it’s good you have your focus and goal of getting a puppy. I also wonder if it would help to see the psych you got a referral for, just to get some support. Obviously make sure it’s a good fit if you do, but I do worry about you being isolated Paws and not getting the human contact that can be grounding and supportive. Just having someone present with you, validating your emotions and experiences, can be healing. It’s taking me a long time, but I’m slowly building up my own emotional self-regulation but I needed some external support to get that ball rolling.

Thank you for telling me about Grandy. I had a read and will go back and send her some support. Pulmonary fibrosis is known to co-occur with the liver disease I have and I was worried 3 years ago I might have it due to ongoing episodes of finding it hard to breathe. But in my case it seemed to be a somatic trauma issue and largely cleared with somatic therapy. But I know what it is and there can be some potential for the progression to be slowed and symptoms managed.

I had a bit of a challenging time for part of the day but I did get to the African Music and Cultural Festival in Federation Square which I enjoyed, especially just seeing all the different people there enjoying themselves.

Take care Paws and remember there is nothing trivial about any of your needs or anything you are going through. You are important so please don’t hesitate to reach out for support.

Kind hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Paws,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are going today? No pressure to reply if you don’t want to, but just wanted you to know someone is thinking of you.

I’m by the ocean at the moment and it is grey, wild and atmospheric, which I love. My spirit feels most free and connected with these nature connections, so trying to combine a future home near nature but also easy access to the city.

Take good care and sending you a big hug 🐻