Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I'm really glad you had a lovely catch up with friends. I'm hoping the 3 hour drive that you often do is both ways, so 3 hours in total, not 6 hours? It's great that this time you were able to meet somewhere a bit closer. It's definitely good to be able to avoid city traffic. I think for some of us that social gatherings are more taxing than they are for other people. I find that if I am meeting with just one or two other people, it's easier than if I am meeting with a larger group. I can often talk to just a single friend for hours, and a while I go, when my local friend here introduced me to another friend of hers and we had a cup of tea at his place, I actually found that gave me energy. But once groups get bigger, I seem to get more tired. I don't know if you are like me, but the larger the group, the quieter I am. I often find most other people are talking over one another, and I am not one to interject, so will often just sit there quietly for a long time. I think that is actually more exhausting for me than if I am talking actively with just one person. It is good that you can identify you need the quiet and stillness afterwards.

I'm also glad the earring stayed in place 😀 Bummer about the necklace though. I've had the clasp break on a couple of necklaces with beads before, and then have the beads scatter all over the floor. Was yours like that? Jewellery can be so finicky sometimes 🙄 

I managed to tackle some of the tall grasses that have come through from the other side of my fence yesterday. I have a light duty hedge trimmer which is not heavy, and that is actually easier than doing things manually. I made inroads and at least got the seed heads off the grasses, but there is still much to go. This is in my backyard, so it's less relevant regarding the strata presentation. It is more that I just don't want my garden to be completely overtaken by tall grasses. The lawnmower man is out there right now actually, taking care of the lawn. I'll probably ask him if he can do a general prune of the backyard, but I know he doesn't really tackle weeds as such. His solution would be to spray everything, but I am not keen on that in my backyard with all the wildlife. He is spraying all the common areas today actually, and told me to stay indoors until tomorrow. That always freaks me out a bit. I'm not really keen on pesticides. He wanted to use another type of pesticide on the flat leaf weeds which was rejected by the owners, partly because I didn't want it because that pesticide has a known association with cancer of the small ducts in the liver and the disease I have damages those small ducts.

The defying rules thing is something I definitely still struggle with. I am so conscientious. I was in an op shop recently and if I found an item of clothing had fallen off a hanger, I would have to pick it up and put it back on. It's like I thought I was doing something wrong if I didn't do this, even though I had nothing to do with the clothing being on the ground. It's like I have an army officer in my head who dictates what I must do and must not do. The last alter to push through is the part of myself that was particularly crushed out of the picture at the age of five, and that includes the feminine part that my mother totally rejected (she wanted me to be a boy and dressed me in boys clothes). This part has a rebellious streak, so I am hoping she will come to the fore a bit more, though she needs guidance because of her young age. It's like I have to grow this part of myself.

It's warm and sunny here today. I've had 3 cups of coffee, which is probably a bit much for me. So although I need an afternoon rest, I'll not likely sleep. I've had lots of King Skinks in my backyard finding things to eat and sometimes chasing each other around. I've been seeing Bobtail Lizards out on walks too. Definitely reptile weather. I hope you've been having a lovely day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It is a 3 hour drive each way when I catch up with family or friends, so a 6 hour travel time all up.  It is why I prefer lunch/day time catch ups.  I mostly say no to evening catch ups unless it is something special like a wedding or a special occasion.  Yes I'm like you in that the larger the group the quieter I am, especially when the group of people isn't immediate family or very close friends.  Part of the reason is my nature & part is I struggle to follow conversations when there is a lot of background noise especially lots of voices as it all blends together.  I can't lip read, but I find it easier in noisy situations to follow what someone is saying if I can watch them speaking.  

I'm wondering if perhaps you could try asking all of your alters to each try occasionally to work at helping you to do just one thing the way you want to do it rather than the way you have been told to do it.  Even if just one or two of them gave you encouragement after each attempt it might help.  I found after succeeding with one thing the next came a bit more easily & it is nice having my own way with some things.  I think you can understand that a big part of the stress I'm feeling with struggling to get things done here is coming from not meeting my parents standards, I can hear them telling me I'm lazy, slovenly & that I should be ashamed of myself & that is all before the criticism when I do manage to do something & don't do it well enough to meet standards required.

Only three cups ☕☕☕ of coffee??  I can have that many just with breakfast 🙃 I do make my cups of tea or coffee very weak plus I don't get that lift that other people do when I drink caffeinated drinks, I average about 3 or 4 cuppas each hour & I can still fall asleep very easily.  So I'm always surprised when people tell me they can't have a cuppa after a certain time or they can't sleep, or like you they can only have a limited amount of cuppas in day.  Yet it does seem more people are like you & are affected by caffeine than there are people like me who aren't.

It is still too wintery here for much activity reptile wise so I've not seen any of the skinks that normally like to sunbathe on my window sills when the weather is warm.  I haven't seen any snakes either, but I'm always on snake alert whatever the weather.

I hope you have clear skies to see the aurora tonight

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Oh my goodness, that is so far to drive in a day. I actually wouldn't be able to do it. I would have to stay overnight in the place I was visiting. These days I have about a 3.5 hour maximum drive capacity, but ideally shouldn't go above 3 hours as I can feel I'm really fading after that. I wonder if the long drive affects the amount that going to the social events takes out of you? The thing about driving is that part of us has to stay alert and focused the whole time, and perhaps that creates a bit of hypervigilance that then takes awhile to come down from?

I relate to the struggling to follow conversations. It's like the more that is going on, and the more people present, the harder it is for me to clearly focus and engage. I also find it virtually impossible to interject in a conversation, while many other people seem to be able to just talk over the top of others and sort of push their way into a conversation. This seems to be quite socially normal, and yet it feels not quite right to me. The few friends I have these days are quiet like me, so we easily give each other space and no one talks over anyone. I bumped into a local here on a walk yesterday, and she just asked me rapid fire questions and also talked over me at speed. By the end of that, I was exhausted. It's sort of like being hit by a tornado 😂

Thank you for the suggestion with the alters. I can actually ask them things and sometimes future answers or responses emerge. That's something that Dr Mike Lloyd talks about actually. I do find specific ones provide encouragement in particular situations. I know what you mean about how once you manage to do something, it starts to become easier to do the same in the future. I can hear how impacted you have been by your parent's standards and ideas about how things "should" be done. It's amazing how ingrained these things become in us isn't it. I think it's because when we are children, we are dependent on them, so what they say and what their expectations are can feel like they are basic to our survival. I think it is possible to break free from this kind of patterning, but it can be a gradual process of letting go. I am definitely still disentangling myself from things instilled in me from childhood.

I'm glad you can enjoy your cups of coffee without adverse consequences. I came to the strange realisation the other day that it may depend on which alters are fronting as to how the caffeine affects me. One thing I have learned about DID, is that physiology and biochemistry can change between different alters. So, for example, they can have different blood pressure readings or different blood sugar levels. They can even have different visual capacity and measure differently on eye tests. Often caffeine actually helps me sleep and I can kind of sense when my body is in a state where this is the case. But sometimes it will keep me awake. The other day I realised I had three young alters co-fronting for several hours. I feel like at least one of them had a strong reaction to the caffeine as I was totally hyper-alert intensely for hours following the third cup of coffee.

I didn't look for the aurora last night as I really needed to go to bed. I think it may have been a little cloudy here anyway. I hope you have a lovely, peaceful day today Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It does make sense to me that alters can have different physiology or biochemistry to each other.  Each alter must access different pathways in the brain, otherwise they would not exist, so using the brain in different ways would affect the body in different ways.  Even without alters, many people can change how their body responds to a variety of stimuli with mental training.  A lot of traditional non western medicine has used this ability for centuries & even western medicine has begun to confirm this with trials.  

The problem with catching up with people is it leaves one open to catching bugs.  I've been slowly feeling a bit worse each day this week & today I have a full on URTI, at least I don't have a headache with it even if my body is achy.  

Thankfully the group of friends I caught up with aren't the sort to talk over each other.  We have known each other for decades & there are only about 10 of us if everyone turns up, so our conversations just flow organically.  You aren't alone with feeling exhausted by someone talking too fast, I now ask them to please slow down using the excuse I've got brain fog so they are less likely to get in a huff.

I was in bed too early to see the aurora last night & I won't see tonight's as it is overcast.  I hope you feel up to getting out with your camera.

Hugs

Paws  

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

That’s no good that you have the URTI. I hope it hasn’t gotten any worse, and that it’s starting to improve now. Yes, it is a risk being among others when it comes to bugs. I’ve just travelled to Melbourne and of course there are vastly more people here than in my town. I had some very yummy Japanese food for dinner tonight. The choices here are astronomical. I’m very much enjoying being here already. I had a good flight over and had a nice view of the Victorian countryside. I try to choose a window seat when I can as I do like to see the view. I could see Geelong not long before landing. I went there last year as it was another place I was thinking about living in. Having a cuppa now before an early night.

It is wonderful that you have that group of friends who have been connected for decades. There is something special about those long-term friendships. That’s good that you have found a way to ask fast talkers to slow down. I tend to sort of blank out and go into spacey overwhelm. I have always had trouble following the spoken word and had great difficulty taking in what teachers were saying at school. More and more, I’m understanding that my dissociative brain is the likely key contributor as to why I have experienced so much confusion and disorientation.

The interesting thing about alters and DID is that they have found on brain scans that those with DID do actually have differently structured brains. I have found that when alters newly emerge into consciousness, they are at the age and developmental stage at which they formed. So, quite literally, that is my brain at a much earlier stage of development. I have to meet them where they are at. However, the most recent alter actually slides between different ages, from very young to much older. It’s such a complex and nuanced thing. I am constantly learning new things about the system and how to manage it.

Take care Paws and I really do hope you are over the infection quickly. Rest well.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

You brought the sunshine with you I see.  Unfortunately I don't think it is going to stay sunny for you, Melbourne has to give you a taste of it's changeability 🌤🌨❄💧 I'm sure it is written in the how to be Melbourne contract.🤣 

Yes I agree sitting in a window seat makes a flight much nicer, even if all you can see is the tops of clouds.  How long are you staying here for lass?  Are the areas you are looking into on this trip just the inner city ones with good tram links or close to railway stations or have you hired a car to look at other suburbs further out?  

I'm missing nurse Woofa & having some one to sook to.  Though with his 'it better not affect my meal times' attitude to me having 'just a bug', sooking never got me far & sympathy snuggles were rarely forthcoming as he thought it most rude of me to actually cough & sneeze in his presence & would take himself off to another room.  

Regarding the new alter with the ability to slide through a range of ages, I have a question & please don't feel any pressure to answer it.  Does he/she present with a different age each time or is it he/she can change age within each presentation?  Or have I completely misunderstood?  

I hope you have another yummy dinner tonight 

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, I’ve been enjoying the sun since I arrived yesterday, but I’m aware it’s about to change as would be expected of Melbourne. I don’t mind. I’m thoroughly enjoying being here. I’m here for two weeks this time. I’m looking at inner-city locations with the tram links plus I’m staying in a suburb I’m interested in that’s on the train line in a few days. A kind relative who lives here is going to take me around in her car one day too. She is also looking for a place as her rent has gotten too high to afford. It’s just a joy to be here and I’m just automatically so much happier here than I am in my town. It just feels easier, friendlier, and much more like I am part of humanity.

Yes, I’m sure having the company of Woofa was a comforting thing when sick, even if he was a bit put out by coughing and sneezing and any interruption to his meal times. Previous landlords of mine were looking after a schnauzer at one point. I remember them telling me that he knew breakfast was at 7:30am, like he had an internal clock. Even if they were in the toilet, he would be scratching at the door saying “breakfast now please!” I hope you may be feeling a bit better anyway. Take it easy and rest well 🤗

In relation to that particular altar, she seems to stay at a specific age for the time that she appears. The age relates to a part of myself that’s showing up for a reason. So, if something in my five-year-old self is seeking attention, then she appears at that age. But, bizarrely, she can also be this older, kind, wise woman who is nurturing towards me. When she is the five-year-old, obviously, I’m nurturing and guiding her. She’s a part of myself that got really repressed under the circumstances of my childhood, so she needs some care and acknowledgement. Her name starts with C and she is C2, as there is already a C1 who is the child who got to exist more until she also began to be repressed from age nine. C1 is quite tentative and withdrawn. C2 is exuberant, impulsive and has a much louder personality. Mostly I presented as C1 after the age of five because C2 was blocked out as it wasn’t safe for her to front most of the time. I think C2 first started being repressed at three and was more definitively blocked from five.

C1 came out today actually because I was attacked by an over-exuberant large young dog in an inner-city park. C1 is frightened by sudden attacks, and goes into shock and shutdown. So that’s what I felt happening to me and realised C1 was suddenly there. This is a switch and when it happens the altar takes over the body and I can only watch from a distance. It took about an hour before C1 started to settle. It’s so hard to explain, but I will experience a lot of blankness during these times and have trouble thinking or functioning. I was kind of able to sort of direct C1 to lie down and rest in the park for a while. By early evening she was fine again. I was back in the body and could see her externally and could answer her questions about large dogs and how they are being playful, even if it seems like an attack. I explained they can need more training to learn how to behave.

I had another nice dinner at a Korean place tonight. The people there were just so lovely and kind. He was apologising for having not wiped down the table and I was like it’s totally okay. Then he went to the trouble of saying thank you so much for visiting as I was leaving. I feel I have met and spoken with many lovely people just since arriving yesterday.

Sleep well Paws and wishing you ongoing improvement 🙏💖

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

You are going international with your dinners, first Japanese, now Korean.  I'm wondering which taste destination you will travel to for tonight's dinner as there are so many different cultures to choose from lining the high streets of the inner suburbs.  I'm having a rather disappointing dinner as I decided to try a Continental packet of fried rice.  I know it is supposed to be had as a side dish, but I thought I would give it a go by itself to get an idea of the seasoning, flavour & then have the other half tomorrow with some additions.  It will definitely need a lot of additions as apart from an odd bit of corn or the odd pea it has no real flavour & that is coming from me who usually finds pre-prepared foods way to intense in flavour.  My star rating is ⭐, I couldn't find a half star emoji.

You are sounding very organised with your time here. 🦉👀 How lovely of your relative to offer to drive you around, having a local point out the pros & cons of some areas should be a big help.  I'm so out of touch with Melbourne & it's ever growing suburbs I wouldn't have a clue these days,  apart from the major trouble spots that are on the news on a regular basis. 

That must have been frightening having a large dog charge you.  I'm very very angry at it's owner who should not have allowed that to happen.  It doesn't matter how 'friendly' the owner thinks their dog is, they should have complete control at all times.  You did really well to manage the situation as you did & I wish I could give C1 a big hug & a hug for you of course.

I hope you didn't get too wet today.

Big 🐻 hugs

Paws

PS:  I'm starting to feel much better, mostly just a cough now.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m really glad you are feeling much better. That’s disappointing about the Continental fried rice. Sometimes bland foods can seem okay when unwell, but that one sounds particularly unappetising. I hope you can find a way of making it more interesting for tomorrow. Tonight I had Thai food. It was good value and yummy - just a Chicken Pad Thai. The area I visited today I don’t think will be a future suburb for me. I think it’s another place I may feel a bit isolated. Finding a place where I can find a sense of community is really important for me. I had my umbrella, so I didn’t mind walking around in the rain.

The dog that charged me did so twice. The first time it didn’t bother me as it sort of jumped up but missed. But the second time it charged back and got my arm in its jaws. Although it was play biting, it yanked my arm and it triggered something in me. I don’t know if it was a male or female dog as I didn’t even think about that. It left me with a sore arm. One of the two women walking the dog did briefly say sorry, but I think they were embarrassed and avoided me after that. It’s weird because I have lived with very rambunctious Staffordshire bull terriers and I was totally fine with them. I think it was more the unexpected, sudden nature of it. Anyway, C1 is fine now. Thank you for the kind hugs 🙏🤗

I’ve been thinking hard today about options. A lot of seemingly affordable apartments are likely to be ruled out because of strata fees. Many of them have facilities and/or maintenance that can increase yearly costs significantly and would be too much for me. As I’m not sure whether I will continue to have a car, it is also important for me to have good public transport access. My current car is very old and I’m not sure whether to try to bring it here. It will be hard to get another one though. I had a mini freak out this afternoon about my capacity to financially survive. At other times I feel really positive and like everything will be okay. I know I can’t stay in my town, so going through all the logistics of how I can live here.

I have a sort of plan for tomorrow of the areas I will look at. I think the rain is going to be a little less tomorrow. There’s a concert I read about earlier today and it sounded like something I would love (music and multimedia artist), but when I went to book it was booked out. I think I would have been a bit tired to go actually. But it’s those kinds of things that I just love doing and I’m so interested in. There is nothing like that where I currently live and just so much happening here in Melbourne. I do feel really at home here.

Anyway, sleep well tonight Paws. I have just been watching the program on the ABC at the moment where portrait artists compete painting well known people. I really enjoy watching it including the unique take each artist has on their subject and how they each have their own style.

Warm hugs 🤗 

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope the incident with the dog didn't trouble your sleep.  I'm a big dog softy, but even so to have a strange large dog latch on is very different to dealing with large dogs you know who are still learning boundaries & might grab you.  Even for me I think I my instinctive response would be to find it frightening at first, though my anger at the owners for putting the life of their dog at risk would probably override that very quickly & I would be giving them some hard truths.  I can't stand up for me very well, but I can stand up for others, especially for animals.

I hadn't even thought of the strata fees for a unit here, even though you have mentioned them before with where you currently live.  I get you having a mini freak out as I'm prone to such things when I think of what & where I could afford if I have to leave here eventually.  I think it is ok to do that sometimes though, as we only have ourselves to rely on for these things & it can seem overwhelming in the beginning.  

My nose has decided to spite me after I said I was much better & has returned to being blocked.  Actually I'm feeling more than just wellish so that is good, basically just the cough to get past & hopefully tonight it won't keep waking me as it did last night.  

I hope you had a fruitful day with your exploration & didn't get too wet. 🌂☔

Hugs

Paws