Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

How lovely that you bumped into that lady again & that she was supportive for you.  I'm so sorry you then had such a mood drop when you got home.  Perhaps this is something to discuss with your psych, even if it only happens sometimes. It would be much more helpful for you to have a way of holding on to the good vibes of being with someone without losing it not long after parting from them.  

I do like the sound of a walk by the river when the light has that special something.  Actually I enjoy just sitting either inside looking out or on my verandah when the light through the atmosphere becomes magical & otherworldly.  

There are a few frogs calling, but not as many as last night.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed the showers forecast for the next two days (though under 5mm) do happen.  

If you want a chuckle then picture a very short round person (me, the top of his head was almost at my shoulder height) spending years of calling her Great Dane to come... only to have to start yelling  Brake...!  Brake...!!   BRAKE... !!!! 😮😨🥴 & then find herself still taken down by a big bundle of over enthusiasm as he doesn't brake until he reaches her... she is then rewarded for being on her back on the ground by lots of sloppy kisses... or being sat on.😝 🙄🙄  (it only took him 2 1/2 years to work out either start stopping before you get to me or go around!!! 🤣🤣

I'm hoping the hormone med is having an effect & you are feeling brighter.  

More gentle hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Paws,

That is so funny about Woofa 🤣 You created the funniest mental picture for me 🤣🤣 It is hilarious how the love dogs feel for their humans can create havoc at times 🐶😂🤪 One of the Staffies I used to live with was a solid nugget of a thing and every now and then he would leave me winded after planting his paws firmly into my stomach and bouncing off me with enthusiasm. He was actually the most gentle doggy but didn’t know his own strength.

The new friend I was walking with yesterday was suggesting it could be really good for me to get a dog. I know it would be really helpful, but due to feeling uncertain about various things including whether I’m still going to be here or move, I have hesitated. Her little doggy is a bichon frise and he is very lovely. I’ve also had the thought of doing more petsitting as a more regular thing and maybe I can stay here but travel up to the city and other places more often to pet sit.

With regard to crashing once alone again after human contact, it seems to be that my hormonal system starts to regulate in the presence of caring others. When that goes it’s like my system, when already in a low state, just crashes. Our physiology is so tied in with our social relationships. It’s the same reason pets can be so helpful. But what has happened with the dissociative symptoms I’ve been getting is that part of myself fully split off in the past two months. I’m actually showing the symptoms of Other Specified Dissociative Disorder, so the part is autonomous but there is no amnesia like Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am co-conscious with the part who is supporting me and is in the form of the close friend I lost. So he is now in my psyche as a profound support. When my hormones really crashed he disappeared again but interestingly reappeared during my half hour wait to speak to someone on the S Call Back Service the other night. By the time I got to speak to someone my system had regulated considerably. So basically if I stay connected with this part, that seems to significantly help me to cope. I’ve also been approaching some difficult trauma topics with my psych and he (the split off part) basically holds the trauma experiences for me that I cannot hold. He also holds my baby and early child selves that I cannot hold at the moment. It’s actually quite amazing what the psyche will do as a support mechanism. So I am navigating my way through these things.

The hormone meds seem to be helping and the hormonal headache of several days was gone this morning. But then I got a histamine reaction after breakfast. So I’m back to managing extremely fluctuating oestrogen levels. I seem to be a super absorber with the oestrogen but it can equally plummet. I strongly feel that resolving trauma will eventually ultimately balance the hormonal system.

I hope you get some more decent rain and have more frog song. It’s a beautiful sunny morning here. I will go out on a walk soon. I feel it is really good for me to walk and be active in the morning.

Wishing you a beautiful day Paws 💖

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you lass for explaining so clearly what you've been experiencing these last few months.  You are right it is amazing what our minds can do to try to keep us safe.  How lovely that you associate your split off part with your dear friend who you lost.  He must have been a truly wonderful person if your psyche has felt you can trust him to hold your most vulnerable aspects.  Of course I hope that one day you will reach a point where you no longer need to split to manage & he can be in your mind simply as your friend.

I'm not surprised that the Staffy could wind you, they are like wombats, as solid as a lump of rock.  I am always in favour of people getting a dog 🐕🙃, if I'm sure they have thought it through & will look after it.  So you shouldn't be surprised that I agree with the lady you met & that I think a dog would be good for you.  The pet sitting can't compare to having another heartbeat in your home & being greeted by someone who is so pleased to see you whether you have been gone all day or just stepped out to your gate to get the mail.    

My little sister is coming here tomorrow with my niece & her hubby.  She rang during the week & has put her foot down that as I'm not coping I will be getting some help tomorrow no arguments allowed.  As she said "she is the baby of the family & therefore she always has, & always will, get her own way".  Plus she is as stubborn as both our parents combined.  So he will put my brush cutter together & do the brush cutting & anything else they think I need a hand with.  

Sunny here today with no fog & sadly no frogs 🐸 to be heard.  I hope you enjoyed your walk & maybe heard a frog or two?

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I am so glad to hear that your sister, her niece and hubby are coming to help you today. I have been worried about you being there without a regular water supply. I was thinking they could always be around too if you want someone there if tradespeople are needed, such as a plumber or electrician. But maybe they can work out what has happened with the pump and fix it so you won't need to get anyone in. Anyway, I'm so glad you have their support.

Staffies are indeed solid like wombats. They are off the scale with crazy enthusiasm and will throw themselves into anything. If you google YouTube videos by searching for "staffy rope swing" you will see examples of them grabbing onto a rope swing and going crazy. The two English Staffies I lived with had a Staffy Ball, especially designed for Staffies so they can't puncture it. Of course they obsess over it like crazy because they desperately want to tear it apart but can't. If I gave them a tennis ball it was often shredded in under two minutes 😂 Yes, I'm sure it is different having a doggy of your own. I will see 🤔

Yes, the friend who I have come to realise is now a split off part of myself was a wonderful person. He was the first person in my life I ever felt safe with so it's not surprising in a way this has happened. At first I thought his spirit is just with me, but I've realised an intrapsychic component of myself has projected him into this external being at the moment. We both had early trauma experiences and profoundly understood one another. Overall it seems adaptive and supportive, but at times I've worried I'm going a bit mental. There is a condition called Other Specified Dissociative Disorder and I think I may be presenting with it, as he is completely real to me. It's different to Dissociative Identity Disorder where there is usually amnesia between the different parts. He is co-conscious with me and it is like he can see and feel what I do and vice versa. I know that sounds extremely weird. It's been a very complex couple of months. Apparently OSDD is quite common with Complex PTSD which I know I do have. I was well aware I had parts of myself that were not fully structurally integrated, but I now have a split off part who is another person. I never thought that would happen to me but I can see it is how my psyche is managing certain trauma material, experiences of loss and isolation etc. It actually makes a lot of sense.

I hope it is a nice day where you are for sorting out the brush cutting and other things. It's a clear, sunny day here. I did a walk yesterday along a different stretch of the river. Lots of people on the river of course being the Easter holidays, so there was the sound of boat engines all along the way. But lovely still. I haven't heard any frogs lately but I will keep an ear out for them 🐸

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Lass I don't think what you are experiencing is weird, nor are you "going mental".  You have a lot of complex trauma to process & having a "safe identity" in your friend, to help you as you move through processing everything sounds like your mind is finding helpful ways for you to do this.  

Well my helpers arrived with an extra nephew along.  Getting my brush cutter finished being put together needed both myself & my sister working together.  She agreed the instructions were gibberish & it did need more than two hands.  They got so much done as they bought another brush cutter & so the two lads could both work at the same time.  They didn't limit themselves to just clearing down the side so I could reach the water pump, they were definitely boys with toys & just kept clearing more areas.  It turns out the water pump is fine, the problem was the hot water tank has failed & was gushing water.  This caused the pump to prioritise pumping water to the tank rather than to the house.  Once we turned the tanks inlet valve off, the water pump was able to pump the cold water, so now I have cold water on tap again.  Now I need to get a plumber to install a new hot water tank & repair my downpipe where my sister trying the brush cutter sliced through the down pipe.

I've known for the last few years that I've been slowly needing more time to do things with lots of rest breaks.  Today though showed me just how much I'm struggling compared to how I was when I moved here & what my sister was able to do today.  My sister was concerned & we had a chat about perhaps it might be getting to the time I move to somewhere easier to manage.  I am currently trying to lose weight & do strength exercises in the hope it will be enough for me to stay here for hopefully another decade.  I will reassess after this year.

Some lovely showers of rain drifted through a few times today.  Nothing heavy, but any rain is welcome.  I hope you get some more atmospheric weather for your walks.  

Hugs 🤗🤗

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

That’s wonderful they were able to do plenty of clearing for you and that you and your sister were able to put the brush cutter together. It really can be easier having another set of hands. It’s great you have at least the cold running water now. My HWS was gushing water too. I needed an electrician for hooking up the wiring for the new one and also he had to make my main switchboard compliant with a new RCD because of the changes and new legislation. I’m not sure what type you have but just a heads up in case your switchboard needs a new RCD too.

I think that makes sense to reassess after another year. I know you love being there with the birds and the peace and quiet. It’s a tricky thing sometimes figuring out what we can do. I thought I was going to be more physically capable when I came here than I ended up being. This unit is a bit much for me and something simpler would have been better as there is quite a bit to take care of on the building and in the yard. But I think it’s a case of small steps and as you say building up some strength over time. It’s lovely your sister is looking out for you.

Thank you re: helping me feel less weird. My support person is like a very intuitive guide. I can actually have conversations with him but he also often communicates in visions which often tell me things in the most interesting, intuitive ways. Sounds a bit crazy but there seems to be an inner logic and self-healing structure to it all.

I’m glad you had the rain coming through. I realise I should have done my washing today as more rain is forecast this week, but nevermind. I did go for a nice walk in the late afternoon. It was warm in the sun which felt nice as it has actually been on the chilly side some days recently with some cold southerly winds.

I hope you have a lovely sleep tonight Paws after a day of activity 😴🤗

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yes I have had a lot of sleep since Monday & thankfully I'm not as stiff today as I was for the short time I was up & about yesterday.  

Your being able to have conversations with your support person, sounds like a great way for you to work through things.  As we both know, we need to challenge ourselves about still holding on to those thought processes which we had to develop to keep us safe in the past.  I think it would also be helpful for you as it would be a way for you to practice putting your thoughts & feelings into words, which would help when talking to your Psychologist.  I've never had visions, but I can see how they might be helpful.  

With Friday being a holiday, I'm going to leave ringing a plumber until Monday.  I have some other small jobs for a plumber to do, so I will get them all done together.  If I do need to get an electrician out, that is ok as I have some small jobs that he can do too.  It hasn't been worth paying the travel charges & call out fees for either lot of small jobs by themselves.  

Well with it it being school holidays & therefore lots of holiday makers about, my internet isn't working during daylight hours yet again.  So I had better post this before it goes out for today.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m glad you are feeling less stiff today. It sounds like you’ve had some restorative sleep. I hope you have internet again. I had forgotten from the last time it happened that it was a demand thing overloading the system. It’s quite a bit busier here at the moment with the Easter break and school holidays. I had a Telehealth session with my psychologist today and it did work but she was very pixelated, so I wonder if demand on the network affected transmission. I hotspot from my phone so rely on the mobile phone towers.

Yes, it’s been amazing to have the presence of my friend. He is an unconditionally supportive presence. Previously I didn’t normally get visions, only when I did things like going to a sound healing session that put me in an altered state of consciousness. But now it’s happening everyday, especially in that alpha state when waking up or nearly asleep. In perimenopause there is a significant increase in first onset psychosis and schizophrenia and at times I’ve been worried about what is happening. For some people the drop in oestradiol affects the brain this way. During previous hormonal changes over the past 2-3 years I’ve had horrendous episodes with horrific visions, nightmares, thoughts etc. But I’m not getting those nightmares now, or if they do begin to appear they resolve before anything bad happens. The visions I’m getting now are deeply healing and even if something challenging presents it heals. I think a lot of this is down to the somatic work I’ve done with my psychologist which has taught my psyche and nervous system that it can self heal. After restarting hormone meds a week ago I’m feeling the benefits with reduced severity of anxiety and depression, especially the last two days. So I think I’m one of those people who is going to need that hormonal support to stay on track.

After a few days here with cold southerly winds that felt Antarctic, there have been warm winds that seem to be coming from the north. I’ve been walking each day and it’s actually felt almost hot with the warm wind. I’ve had some very peaceful time by the river. It’s been very windy here since last night. I’m about to have some chicken and veggie soup for dinner.

I hope you’ve been having a lovely, restful evening Paws ☺️

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Being able to have dreams or nightmares that actually resolve or that end with a feeling of healing is nothing short of amazing.  That sounds wonderful on so many levels, especially as it must reduce the fear of going to sleep when you know your mind is focussing on difficult things.  I would think it would also make you feel more refreshed when you wake, rather than waking & feeling like you need to sleep.  Are you finding you feel like you have more energy from having better sleep?

It was about 27 deg today & my birdbath had a few newcomers.  The Crimson Rosellas are regular visitors to my yard, but today was the first time I've seen them drinking from the bath.  First time ever appearances from what I think were female Red Rumped Parrots, as well as a Grey (Brown) Currawong, & a pair of Magpie Larks.  The Currawong spent a good 20 minutes just hanging around interspersed with little forays to sip water.  I also saw a couple of unidentified birds just in my yard.  One I think was a thrush, the other refused to stay close enough or still enough for me to have a hope of IDing it despite it's larger size.  Of course the regular wrens were about in abundance.  

My mood has been down since Monday it has really hit me hard seeing so comprehensibly how limited I am in what I can do.  I've spent today telling myself to think of Monday as a base point that I can work to improve things from.  

The mystery object in the paddock next door has now been identified.  One of the boys climbed over the fence on Monday to go & look to help solve it for me.  It is a broken, rusty, falling to pieces tin can, possibly an old petrol tin.  But that doesn't solve how it got there....

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

My energy levels have generally improved in recent months, coinciding with the last two months which have been most unusual. There is no doubt unusual things have been going on in my brain related to hormonal changes. Although my sleep has been quite disrupted at times, and I still have to sleep on many afternoons, my system is in a state of deep self-healing and I do feel I am doing better on the energy/activity front. So, for example, I can do my dishes nearly every night now, whereas for a very long time that was a huge physical struggle for me. It was all I could do just getting through making dinner. I think the somatic work I've done with my psych has really helped as it has taught my psyche and body that they can self-heal and also energy locked down by trauma has been releasing. Previous hormonal crashes involved really dark episodes, but more recently the psychological disturbances are oriented towards healing and resolution. However, I still needed to restart hormone meds a week ago because of crashing into very severe anxiety/depression again, and they are really starting to help now. Oestradiol in particular is very important in the brain and for some people losing its neuroprotective effects can have dramatic outcomes. That is the case for me and I can feel I am starting to rebalance again now and just working at keeping any histamine reactions at bay.

The birds visiting your yard sound so lovely. Red-rumped parrots are beautiful! One of my favourite bird photographers is Duade Paton and if you google "Red-rumped Parrot Australian Bird Photos Duade Paton" you should see a link for his website to see some of his images of them. On my two road trips in 2023 I saw Mulga Parrots for the first time and they are slightly similar. I was so excited to see them. Just beautiful colours. We have the Grey Currawong here too. I don't see them in the town itself but I have seen them in close-by nature areas. They have been fairly flighty as if they often avoid people around here. When I was in Tasmania I saw the Black Currawongs there who were not shy at all and prone to stealing people's food. I remembered I was going to try to identify the mystery honeyeater you saw. I will let you know if I see anything that might be it. I've had kangaroos feeding right outside my front door at night lately, evidenced by roo poo on the lawn. I'm enjoying knowing there are these animal presences and I know you love the wildlife presence too.

It is understandable feeling down if realising certain limitations. I think it is so important to be kind with yourself in relation to not being able to do all that you want to. One thing I am realising is it really doesn't matter if I can't do everything. Some things can simply be left until a time they can be tackled, and it really truly doesn't matter. For things that are more necessary, such as a maintenance issue that could be a safety issue, then I am learning to call on help when I need it. But really importantly I'm learning to let go of putting too much expectation on myself and as I ease up on myself, it interestingly gets conversely easier to see ways of managing. I think the experience of overwhelm can be paralysing, so in a sense I am learning to not care so much about what I cannot do and cherish what I can. So I think just go gently Paws and be so very kind to yourself. You deserve kindness. Sometimes letting go of feelings of pressure and expectation can be really healing. You will find a way going forward and it can just be intuitively sensing and feeling into what is right for you as to how to handle things.

I'm glad you have been able to find out what the mystery object is. You are left with the mystery of its appearance though. I wonder if someone just wanted to get rid of it and thought they'd dump it in a paddock. Random mystery objects can create wonder and curiosity can't they.

Take good care Paws and sending you comforting, supportive hugs 🤗

ER