Recently I began to feel very dark,like I had limited time left and that i had nothing worthy to contribute to life in general. Even though I had married and have three beautiful boys,a house and a full time job that was making sure all the bills were paid,there was still an emptiness that was getting worse by the week. Masking it with alcohol worked for a while but then it was like what ever it was that was lurking beneath had to come out,,,and nothing was going to hide it. Except I didn't know what it was and it was literally driving me insane!
I decided to see my g.p. who did blood tests that showed I had nothing to fear mortally for a forty year old but was recommended to see a psychologist to see where it took me. The darkness was getting worse until I saw the psych and then he managed to unearth what was eating away at me.
i can't remember what it was called but he did a verbal test on me that determined I was high anxiety and deeply depressed. However upon further examination and determining that I was quite happy with my domestic and work life,the physiologist said "ok we have to go deeper",where he related stories to me about how nerves in the brain work and how serotonin deflects the sadness we feel. Also that the serotonin can be depleted in the learning stages of our life by negative learning experiences, as soon as he said that I clicked and a wage of emotion poured over me!
When I was younger "15 years old" I had been an apprentice in a panel shop. The foreman was an incredibly negative person and I had seen his effect on others and therefore thought that his brutal mental abuse was normal and to be expected as an apprentice. I began to smoke dope on a nightly basis and drink alcohol as a way of dealing with it and didn't dare talk about it because I thought as an apprentice it was a "right of passage",something I had to endure.
So here I was twenty four years later,wondering why I feel like crap,and the psychologist had pointed out to me that while my brain was still in a learning stage,this brutal oppressor had instilled in me a mindset that I was useless and wouldn't amount to anything by ways and means I won't put down here?
What I would like to share is that even though I am by no means "out of the woods",please,,,if your feeling real dark and it's getting worse because you don't know why,,,please talk to SOMEONE!,you never know what you might uncover on your road to recovery!
