My wife and daughter are into horses

[Dn10000]

As above, I have been married for the last 16+ years and my wife and one of my twin daughters are into horses. My wife was into them when we first met but sold her horse when we hooked up and after we built a new house and had twin daughters and they grew up to around 10-12 years old the horses came back on the seen. Only one of the daughters is into horses (thank you) and the other is starting to get other interests.

Just after we had our girls my wife wanted to move house so we built a new house at a lot of expense and moved in with all going well. Since then the horse world has taken over and one daughter is involved. The wife now does not seem to be interested in anything not involved with horses, and one daughter as well. The wife now works at the horse place and has also had issues with the people she works there with. Myself and the other daughter who are not into the horse life seem to be just supporting them as we don’t have any direct interest in what they are doing.

My wife now wants a new car to tow a horse float when we purchased a new 60,000 dollar car for her which she has no thought of taking care of or looking after.

i used to go away a lot on holidays and now can’t do so as the wife and one daughter have to feed horses twice a day and thus we cannot go anywhere directly without organising people to look after/ feed the horses.

I have a full time job and are at the stage in my life that being 58 years old are trying to work out where my life is going heading towards retirement. My wife would love me to buy a property so she and other daughter can have horses and do what they want to do. I on the other hand are looking at what I will do when retirement comes up and don’t want to outlay major money to go into debt for a property that I don’t want nor the debt that goes with it.

i am at a loss with what to do with my life at the moment and have great doubt about where it’s future is going let alone my daughter that is not into horses which I am worried about as through COVID she has had major issues with handling the lock downs etc to the point that we have had her get counselling to try and help things through.

I am at a point in my life that I feel I am of little use to the family and only seem to be a financial asset for them without thinking of my own requirements and also my daughter that has no real interest in horses.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I've been in this situation, I wasn't into horses, I was into model airplanes and stayed awake till 2am building them, I loved it. Then flew them, crashed them, on weekends.

At marriage counselling, my partner brought up the topic. I explained it all, then the counsellor turned to my partner- "so, do you have a passion"? . "No" she replied. It was clear that her lack of a passion was equally a problem than me having one. I'll explain.

It just highlighted how difficult relationships get on both sides when a passion is involved.

A few thoughts-

• Their interest in horses is permanent. Once a horsey person always...
• Moving to a property with say 5+ acres would actually save on feed that is expensive.
• A passion sadly often causes neglect of other things, her car is an example
• There is livable remedies.

I hear you about your forthcoming retirement however, their happiness is just as important as your happiness. Buying another property might mean moving further out for low price.

At the new mini farm your interests could extend to fencing, chooks, your own hobby, doing a hay run, etc, depending on what you are good at.

Compromising can take place if your wife hears your proposal. Like- purchasing a vehicle purely to tow the float and cart feed meaning a small tray truck, a used one? . Smart moves might include brainstorming others in similar situations.

The tone of my reply leans towards you bending more than them simply because the opposite won't work. Such is the "power of the passion". But it doesn't have to be so one sided, talk, negotiate, have their happiness in mind and once retired by then have your interests listed and pursue them. Ensure you both commit to "us time" even coffee or lunch at a Cafe in town one morning a week. We've found variety the key.

I'm 65yo. We just finished building our own home ourselves. Recently we started building a train set and slot car set combined. My wife does all the buildings and painting. Her passion is caravanning and mine is vintage cars. Few years ago we bought an old car and built the caravan to suit it. We aren't club people but if we were there's men's sheds and sporting clubs you might consider.

All this will depend on attitudes but your best chance is accommodating their lifestyle by enhancing it. Hopefully, she'll respond with agreeing with the details.

I hope I've sparked some ideas and reply anytime if you wish.

TonyWK

[Summerinvincible]

Wow I’m really sorry you’re going through this. My ex-mother in law was a horse person and bought a house with acreage in the middle of nowhere just so she and daughter could do horse things.

What you’ve described here is less about the horse issue, and more that your wife sees you as a funding source for her life and horse obsession. You don’t sound happy at all - your interests matter too and as a woman who has always paid for my own interests/hobbies even when married, I don’t understand this kind of behaviour,

Are you able to sit down and raise the issue with them? Apart from the horse issue are you happy within the marriage?

[tranzcrybe]

It's great that your wife has found a hobby of such intensity - now showing financial returns with her working there too. Think about it... you'll be able to retire on her income! 😉
Your $60k car would trade nicely for a decent 4WD (new or otherwise) and wife will be in her element.
I have a niece who is a 'horse person' - cost a fortune to manage in her youth, but now she rakes in big $$$ servicing animals all over the US - a veritable 'horse whisperer' indeed!
Without wanting to sound creepy, why not embark on a holiday with second daughter for some well earned R&R? By the sounds of it, you won't be missed and you might even discover your own passion along the way for a reincarnation of spirit.
Your expectations at this time of life aren't matching the reality which, to some extent, could be a certain level of complacency on your part that things would naturally be so.
No denying, that sucks, but being malleable will help you feel happy for your wife; at the same time understanding that her interest alone does not make you the cash cow to her desires - particularly if you are not on board or engaged personally.
The way I see it is that you can lament her absence or capitalise on your freedom - the choice is entirely yours...