Hi Muttley,
Welcome to the forums, and thanks for asking your question as I feel putting up brick walls, or wearing masks to protect ourselves, is something that a lot of people suffering from mental illness, and in particular those who have experienced trauma, tend to do.
For me it was wearing masks. I had so many of them so that I could present to others how I perceived they would want me to be. But I also had a brick wall up because I'd experienced a traumatic event that I'd never told anyone about. I kept the wall up around that for nearly 20 years.
If I stay with your metaphor of the brick wall then I would have to say the answer to your question is you take it down one brick at a time. Demolishing it all at once will leave you exposed and may just add to your anxiety, but taking down one brick at a time will let you become accustomed to letting people, and seeing what life is like without the wall gradually and gently.
So how do you start the process? I'd say it begins with acceptance. You experienced a trauma that no child should ever have to go through. As a child you were a victim, but now as an adult you don't have to continue to be victimised, you can make the choice to reconnect with your inner child and tell him that "it will be ok, that you are here and you will protect it, nurture it, and show it the love and respect that it deserves and needs". I think that inner child needs to feel safe and loved before you can begin to rebuild your self esteem.
Once the child feels loved and protected you can take down a few more bricks and start thinking about the kind of life you would like to have now that you are no longer the victim. White Knight has started a thread under The Recovery and Staying Well section called "Confidence - how do you get it?" that you might like to take a look at. I've added a post in their about rebuilding self esteem that you may find helpful.
This will be a journey for you, but try not to think about the idea that your Psychologist wont be able to help you. They are trained to deal with situations just like yours, where they understand that it's a process of discovery. Not many people walk into a therapist's office and blurt out their life story in one hit, it takes time, and s/he will help you in your efforts to take down each brick.
AGrace
