just a vent

[not_doin_well]

im just sick of it. My dad took away my phone again. It's 8:30, I self harmed at like, 7:00. he doesnt know. He doesn't need to or he'll come back and take away everything else. I was listening to music and I got distracted, I was in bed and I started reading something on my phone. I was  "supposed" to be reading a book for school but it's not that important. anyway, dad came in, saw me not reading and looking at my phone, took it away. won't tell me how long its gone for. he doesnt even bloody know, "hasn't decided". he wants to take me and my younger brother to the bush to get wood tmrw.

why am i in such a bad mood. i want to self harm but mum will check my body tmrw. i dont wanna get caught. i already feel crap.

i just want a little bit of control over something. my phone. my body. my eating. anything-

my body. my eating. my phone. you know i've been getting body conscious lately? I'm buying bigger and bigger clothes to hide my stupid bloated body. i haven't been active lately but i have no motivation to do it in silence. im 15 turning 16. do i not have the freedom to watch series or read books i like on my phone?

No. nonoononononnonono im being too spoilt. i don't deserve it. its my fault for not using my phone for the right things. i shouldve read the book. yeah. o my god.

its because i self harmed right? stop or ill do it again. please stop caring what i do with my phone dad. dont you trust me? i dont have any social media. i just watch bl. or kpop stuff. when you're at work. thats not bad right? you think im not bad right? ill figure myself out.

this is a dumb spiral. its over a phone. why do you care so much? its the only thing i partially control. he didn't even see what i was doing on it. its my fault though. i cant breathe normally.

im sorry. I just need to write it down.

[indigo22]

Hi again not_doin_well,

I am sorry you feel you have no control over anything, your self harm and eating disorder revolve around this lack of control.

I want to ask if you have made use of the helplines I gave you last time?

Also if you have talked with your psych about having a talk with your parents about better ways to help you at home?

These are things you do have control over and they would be a way of being pro-active about your situation.

I believe your parents do love and care for you, if they didn't, they would do nothing. I think they are just not aware that what they are currently doing is making things worse instead of better for you and need to speak with people who can advise them on more productive ways of helping you.

Although a trip to the bush may not be what you want, believe it or not, it is what you need. Connecting with nature is very healing and grounding. If you can get connected with nature on a regular basis, you will begin to feel better. This can be as simple as doing some work in the garden at home, or walking in a park, being near a body of water (ocean, lake, river), a botanical garden or a zoo.

I know you are angry right now and you have every right to feel the way you do, so why not put that anger to use in productive ways that will benefit you rather than make you feel worse.

Life won't always be this way, things will get better.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo 💜