Just A Simple Reflection.

[SourceShield]

Morning!

Simply sharing to express, rather than to seek advice.

I'm just asking questions, and your comments are always valuable...even when I'm feeling gruff.

I'm a bit of a lone wolf you see.

Thought I was tough.

I heard a tale the other day that made perfect sense to me, and I wanted to share it with you.

Just too see, what you think of it.

We all have two wolves inside of us, they are always hungry and gnash and growl at each other.

One wolf feeds on our apathy, grief, envy, fear etc...

The other, on our courage, acceptance, joy and compassion etc...

Its not the best wolf that wins the battle within, but the wolf we feed.

The question that begs to be answered of course is, what wolf am I feeding?

Courage looks different on all of us at different times of our life...

Sometimes courage can look like walking away from an abusive relationship, and sometimes its being with the person you love, even if your friends and family don't understand your sexuality.

Acceptance can look like tears of joy or tears of sadness.

I'm just writing because I was told over and over and over again to shut up as a kid, that now I just wanna talk to people...but it has to be healthy talk now.

I've been, what I now recognise as, completely and holistically unwell for all of my life so far.

But thankfully, I now believe...and know for sure that I can be healthy and well.

We all can - In whatever way that looks like for you, and for me...for everyone.

It's not an overnight process, but it does come down to a choice made in a moment.

They never told me that forgiveness is a process, but now I know and I forgive because it does actually feel good for me.

Forgiveness...is selfish, but in a good way.

I reckon.

Its saying, I'm over this kaka, and I am moving on, AND I'm growing from this experience.

It's the ultimate two-finger salute of them all!

Here's something crazy for you...

I currently have a limit of 2500 characters to use when posting - it happens for all newbies, I think, BUT my nutty HFA brain must use ALL the characters, or else it goes cuckoo-bird for a bit.

I'll make the rest of this post as painless as possible!

I'm actually taking the complete mickey out of myself, 'cause at this stage of ones life...its important to accept ones 'crazy' moments.

I have many.

Whats yours?

I have a thing with smells.

Textures...etc etc

I get that you may not want to share your 'crazy' but if you do, keep it clean and safe...

All g.

[V17]

Hey SS,

Good post, this. Reflection is good, too, particularly to express. Beautiful.

I have a 'thing' for stationary and manchester and filling out forms.

Love writing with lead pencils and using sharpeners and love sleeping on 1200 thread count white sheets & pillows.

Had a blast with the Census too 🙂

This above all: To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
~ Shakespeare.

V.

Always a joy reading your posts.

[SourceShield]

Hey V!

May I say firstly that...you're not alone with the whole stationary thing.

Me too, and I know others that have a similar 'thing' going on with that as well.

It always makes me chuckle when I find out that, what I believed was just MY crazy, actually turns out to be a common-brand of nuttiness!

As mentioned, I have this 'thing' with smells - not just any old scent will do, but I will admit that I have followed guys, YES - plural, around the supermarket..just to get a whiff of a certain smell.

Im not talking about nice colognes or perfumes necessarily either...it depends on my mood, I guess.

Ive planted myself behind people in queues, on purpose, and surreptitiously had a sniff of another persons neck-nape...such a weirdo!!!

Apparently this could also be an HFA thing, we get really obsess-ie with things...I dont give a rats where it comes from, these 'things' that are our triggers can still be freaking annoying at times.

Because sometimes, I feel like I have NO control over the 'thing' at all.

And, I dont like that...I am obsessed with being in control. I think most of us are.

Though everything does change, its still difficult to cope with at times!

So, we do our best to control our life but when we're dealing with triggers...sometimes I just dont know if I can trust myself to be in public...and so I self-isolate.

And then the downward-spiral begins, right?.

What triggers us, I find to be absolutely amazing...because it will be different for us all.

Sudden, loud noises can send me into fits of rage...in an instant.

I despise being snuck up on and surprised - I'll most likely punch the person!

Stationary, reminds me of the beginning of the school year - I loved it when we would get our new books and pens, and I would feel like I was in some kind-of drug stupor, thats how excited I would get.

It was one of the only times of the year that we ever got something new, that was just ours...these books and pens are mine!

If I dig deeper, than there would be a rush of chems going on inside me, and as we've discussed in Sara's post re: adrenaline, its these chems that we are all addicted to, even if thats unknowingly.

Whats are your triggers?

How do you deal with them?

Thanks for your words of encouragement, and just know that I send them back to you in abundance.

MuchLove

SS

[V17]

Hey Sir Sheild! - may I call you that?

Man I cracked up with you on this one; imagining! Is it because you feel you have to identify what the scent is?
I am a bit of a shit because I have the tendency to sneak up on people - sorry mate - but I really don't like it when it happens to me. I'm more annoyed at myself for not being aware. Yes, control freak central here.

Yay! I am not alone! I can sit and sharpen my pencils all day if I wanted to. I usually sharpen them after a few minutes - love the sound; so satisfying! I will write with them until they are are ridiculously small and put them in a jar. I haven't written in a long time but the writing bug has been unleashed again in the form of a diary so the jar will be filled soon again, no doubt. I burn them [pencil stubs] after the jar is filled - I'm really looking forward to the fire now, more so because I see it as a release. pssst ..I have never shared this!

I hear you about loud noises, except the really loud ones, bright flashes of light will penetrate inside my head. No idea why that happens? Do you?

Spiders are my triggers, especially lately. I guess by smashing them into oblivion helps but probably isn't really dealing with it huh? Man, loving God's creatures just doesn't enter into the equation when it comes to those guys. Freaky little suckers. I made a post last night on arachnophobia 'cause - like you - Sara's post got me thinking. I've decided that I am going to start to draw them with my pencils.

I'm a bit obsessed with fire too. Leaves me transfixed watching a fire burn. The sound as it crackles and sparks and how embers softly whisper.. I love winter because there is no excuse to light one, always have candles burning and I delight in fireworks! Even though I startle every time they [fireworks] are ignited and startle again when they burst into life; really gets my blood pumping.
One time when I was fighting an out of control bushfire - I witnessed flames 'crowning' 30 feet above the tree line. It sounded like a freight train. Incredible. Yeah, adrenaline junky when it comes to fire. Funny how I have never really given it much thought until yesterday huh?

Cheers Sir, I feel your encouragement too - makes my day.

V.

[SourceShield]

OhMyGoodness!

I actually think I love you even more now.

Pencil-Loving Weirdo...I LOVE it.

Pencil stubs in a jar.

Burn, burn, burn them...thats so cool, or maybe that should be...thats so hot!

Yeh - loud noises and bright lights for me too...I think mine comes from being raised in my nutty home, a lot of domestic violence, and I used to hate it when I would come home, and the parents were drinking...to me, that just meant that they would ALWAYS end up trying to kill each other.

At night, or more-so, in the early hours of the morning, they would always turn the music up so loud, and then they would fight...BASH CRASH BANG, and smash things, then my Mum would call for me to help her.

I just developed a major despising of loud music and sudden noises, especially at night.

Triggers the fight response in me, and now that threat is just perceived...its exhausting - literally, this is the adrenal fatigue that Ive mentioned in the other post re: chems etc.

I havent actually ever really processed the smell thing - like you with the pencils - Ive never actually admitted this to anyone, not even my psych.

Now its all over BB - ahhhh well!

But, I have a feeling it comes from my spending time with my Grandmother - she was very ill, passed away at 54yrs - so young!

She was the only source of unconditional love that I knew as child...but I am still grateful to have known unconditional love!

Anyway, she spent a lot of time in hospital - to me, as a kid, there were just a plethora of scents going on...bleach, people odors, perfumes, colognes, life and death... all fused together like some grotesque smelly mutant beast!

Now, some smells trigger the memory of my grandmother, which in turn helps me to feel the unconditional love that she had for me...OH MAN...I JUST NOW WORKED THAT OUT!!!.

Thanks for being so accepting and allowing me to process that.

I actually really like spiders - but admittedly, here in OZ, there are some really freaky buggers...man-killers!

I used to collect spiders as a kid.

I was one of those creepy-Nerd kids that collected bugs..they were my friends, but I do actually get the phobia, and I feel that drawing them with the pencils...would be a fantastic idea - burning the pics could also be a way to release the phobia as well.

May help you, ya little firebug.

I LOVE it when people show their crazy - the safe crazy, which I feel that we are.

We're not the evil crazy

I really hope that you can feel my absolute support.

LuvYa.

[SourceShield]

p.s.

Sir Shield is all g, with me!

[Just Sara]

OMG Esse'..!

I freakin' laughed my head off after reading the supermarket neck nape saga..so bloody wonderful of you to disclose! ah ha ha aha..still giggling..he he I have a habit of visualising stories as their told. It's probably not good for me, but it is what it is. So loved that story..

V..just so beautiful to (shhh..) share the pencil anecdote with us too. It's glorious to feel the relief and normality of your posts..loving this thread guys!!

And...! An AH-HA moment of such magnitude Esse'..spectacular! Don't you just love the after effects of relief and self indulgent kudos from an event like that? Who cares what chemicals it produces eh? Momentous! Well done!

Sigh..it's been a big weekend.

I don't know if I have any latent autistic tendencies to disclose, but I've known many who do. Maybe I like sorting files too much, it's actually respite to throw them all on the floor and start from scratch. So annoying when others file under the 'whateva' category ya know?

Anyway...so glad you've graced us with your presence Esse', and I'm so encouraged by your increased presence on the forum V. This weekend has had many surprises indeed..very enjoyable, even the hard bits.

Here's to us deep digging excavators! "Clink" go the glasses..

Mwah! Sconnor xoxo

[SourceShield]

'CLINK"

So Sconner...

I may have totally misunderstood - do you mean that you sort all the files out...and THEN, throw them on the floor again to re-sort again-again, or when there is filing to do...you like to firstly throw them on the floor and sort them?

Either way...

Thats dramatic.

And, kooky....

...sure, not as kooky as a being a NapeSniffer!!!

But, I still love it.

You guys crack me up! (seriously)

See...laughing releases good chems, right?

So, thats the science of it BUT also having, not only a good sense of humour, but also being a person of good humour (and they are two different things!)...is just the best way to be.

As many of us have expressed...its so easy to slip, and stumble into those dark-shadowy moments.

I'm addicted to THOSE moments too...I reckon THATS the craziest thing of them all!

Is that we are addicted to the crap-moments - LITERALLY.

Its all those internal-chems again!!!

That sux.

Many of us are actually addicted to being hurt and in-turn, hurting others...it's a bit sado-masochistic!

Which is why I feel that learning to laugh at yourself, and with others...is the magic medicine!!!

I also follow the teachings of Tara Brach - Amazing Psychologist and Powerful Mindfulness Coach!!!

She teaches us that when there is something that is plaguing the mind...

To RECOGNIZE that addiction. - 'cause we are addicted to to thought-pattern!.

ALLOW myself to see how that addiction is playing out in my life, so that you can REALLY see the suffering - We have to admit the problem, before we can fix it!.

Then, we have to INVESTIGATE with KINDNESS - Why am I stilling holding onto these memories? Where is the source of the hurt? Could I let it go? Now? If not now...then when will I set myself free?

From there we NOURISH with COMPASSION...

This is actually a marvelous teaching from - TARA BRACH - She is a phenomenal psychologist, mindfulness expert and coach, author.

She has teachings on youtube and free podcasts.

Her teachings are, IMHO, some of the BEST teachings about wellness, and learning to live from integrity and grace and kindness.

But, in a REAL, GENUINE, SINCERE and TRUTHFUL way.

She is mega-intelligent and also uses science talk as well - she is big on the neurochemistry, parasympathetic and sympathetic nervouse systems etc etc etc.

So, a really great teacher for those that are into the more bio-psycho-social model, BUT also for those of us on a Spiritful journey as well.

HighlyRecommended.

PeaceUp

[V17]

Morning sunshines!

I have read and re-read your posts in here continually yesterday. Boost Juice they are guys.

Ah, the moment the penny dropped! Beautiful wave to ride, that one huh? Was beautiful to witness and be a part of it. Thanks for sharing it Mister.

You know that dude on CSI? Gil Grissom, the forensic entomologist? I had such a crush on him. hehe. I found his character fascinating! Do you still collect bugs and stuff? What fascinated you about them? Did you do that pin and display thing with them or am I getting way too ahead of myself here!? I really like their [bugs and stuff] position in the scheme of things. I mean, after the microbes they are next in the food chain; lose them and we would cease to exist. Fascinating stuff really. I 'get' why you'd want to collect them.

So today, I have started my 'spring clean'. Man that brings the 'crazy' outta me. I colour co-ordinate my wardrobe. Black. Grey. White. Black and white. Beige. Brown. Purple. Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. Blue. Multi colours. Floral. Like a rainbow really. So I will walk in and ask myself, 'What colour do I feel like wearing today? What's interesting is that I have looked back to wear [pun intended] I was a few weeks back; In my jim jams then upgraded to tracky dacks and now colour. Funny how we dress for our state of mind huh?

I can so relate to your file thing Sconner! I'll be facing 'that one' at some point soon, myself. Must be part of the healing process I think huh? Getting things in order. Kinda like that lull period where we have overcome a hurdle and find therapy in the re organizing of our stuff. I mean, when we did the filing - however long ago it was - when we look at it again, it's not the same. We have changed; grown, somehow. So the refiling, I guess, is our way of readjusting perhaps? Interesting. I never really seen that aspect before, until now. Coooool.

Hoping you guys are feeling okay today, I understand the waves, particularly when we have our peaks. Be gentle on you.

Luv ya's,
V.

[SourceShield]

Hey V!

Yes, I am being really good to me, today...digging deep, and loving it.

Recognise and release.

I actually wrote a post about why I am so angry...but I think that it must have been reported, because its gone missing.

Thats all good - I just needed to let some stuff go, but I knew that it may hit on a raw nerve for some.

I said what I needed to, and let it go...thats what matters, to me.

Actually...I just got an email to edit it, right now!.

Fair enough - I can do that!

I never pinned or killed the spiders...I just let them battle themselves, if they wanted to.

I would examine their behaviour.

It was interesting to see what types of spiders did what, and how etc etc etc...

Like humans, in so many ways.

That geeky-behaviour thankfully, sets me up to be more of a profiler...than a psychopath that enjoys doing cruel things to animals etc.

I think thats amazing that you've tracked your mood, by your attire...and, I would have to agree.

Im the same in that way too.

Maybe many of us are?

Be good and lovely to you too, Lovely V!

Peace&OtherGoodStuff