I wish I could turn my eyes around and see inside my own head.
Our eyes are always looking out. We see the rain, the sun, the beauty of nature, the people we love and those we don't know. We see the darkness, that fuzzy cloud that distorts our reality and sends us retreating to that place in our head.
Why do I wish I could turn my eyes around? I want to see and fix the bits that are broken. Pills don't work for me, I hate that disconnected feeling. I went to a psychologist once and they wanted me to scream at a chair - definitely not my thing. I have tried talking to family and friends but I get the feeling they just want me to 'get over it'.
So here I am taking another step in my journey to 'get over it'.
First a little background. I am female, I guess the name Dot gave that away, I am approaching 59, I work full time, I live alone and I have a fabulous son of 28. I am the 'chatty Cathy' at work, the one who is always positive and laughing, the one who notices when someone else is down and the one who is happy to offer a comforting word or a motherly hug. I am also the one who drips perspiration from my head everyday walking to work, the one who sees people looking at me in judgement, the one who hangs around the fringe of the work morning tea, the one who always says no to social events.
Funny isn't it - I am sitting at home alone writing this and feeling anxious. Why? You can't see me. You won't know me if you passed me in the street. Yet somehow in my head I am never good enough, I won't measure up. Does that make me sad, yes sometimes it does. Does it make me angry, no not really. The truth is it makes me feel a great sense of disappointment and sometimes shame.
Why did the 21 yr old who worked on our farm 'fiddle' with me when I was 12? Did that really happen or did I manifest that in some part of my broken mind? If it wasn't real why does it still haunt me.
Why did my marriage fail? Why did my husband leave me to raise our son alone and unsupported only to come back when he was sick and dying of cancer? Why did I look after him, bury him and grieve for him?
Why do I feel no connection to my sisters? Do they really care? Tried a few times to discuss my 'condition' with them and the first thing said is "....oh yes I have friend who's got that... do you want another glass of wine?" Ah no I don't want a glass of wine, what I really want is you to listen to me - pleeeaaasse!
So next step is how do I fix me? I am pretty strong but it's getting a little harder to resist the temptation to run away from everything and everyone.
So here I am embarking on project Dot - turning my eyes around and looking inside my own head to fix the bits that are broken. This year I have signed up for the 'World's Greatest Shave' - I figure that people are staring at me anyway, so I will shave my head (to a number 1) and give them a reason to look. This is a leap outside of my comfort zone but hopefully I will raise a little money to help others and that makes me feel good.
Step 2 of project Dot is to sign up Beyond Blue to find tools and tips to help me in my journey and hopefully offer some help to others like me and let's face it even though we feel alone there are a whole lot of us out there.
Step 3 - exercise more, eat better, stop using bad food as my drug if choice.
Step 4 - study - in an attempt to fill some empty hours but also to gain traction and move towards accepting that I am a strong, capable person who does not need the validation of others to feel whole.
Step 5 - to keep picking myself up when I fall down and I will fall down. Accepting that I will fall is a positive step, knowing how to pick myself up quicker is what I am striving for.
I had my first depressive episode when I was 19, so I have been struggling with this for a long time. For me it is now about acceptance of my condition and not looking for the 'magic cure' but looking inside myself for ways to better manage my condition on a daily basis so I can lead a more socially connected life. At the moment if I did not have to work I would probably stay inside away from all human contact.
So folks that's a, not so brief, post about me. Please feel free to have a chat and ask any questions or share any tips you may have for me.
Cheers:-)
