This isn't about getting sympathy or hoping people will feel sorry for
me. It's about telling my story. My story I am sure is similar to
others, but anyone who has suffered anxiety & depression knows that no
one in the world can truly know exactly wh...
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This isn't about getting sympathy or hoping people will feel sorry for
me. It's about telling my story. My story I am sure is similar to
others, but anyone who has suffered anxiety & depression knows that no
one in the world can truly know exactly what you feel or think, what
monsters hide in the cupboards of your mind, what creepy crawlies
scatter through your everyday thoughts. For me, it didn't just happen,
nothing horrible happened to me, no traumatic life changing experience
bought it on, I guess over time it just gnawed it's way into my life
until it got so unbearable that I had no other choice but to face it. I
was first diagnosed with depression when I was 16, it feels so long ago
now that I can barely remember it all happening. I know I didn't want to
go to school, I cried most days and found it extremely hard to
concentrate. I was drinking, smoking and doing drugs, like all teenagers
do but I guess I was pushing the limits a bit. I was on a medication for
6 months but due to the excessive drinking etc I found that it made me
feel worse so I stopped taking them. Over the years I got more into
partying, binge drinking and taking drugs most weekends and sometimes to
get me through the weeks. I was constantly striving for some form of
attention or acceptance whether that was through friendships, work,
family or relationships. I was in bad relationships with men who did not
at all help my already crumbling self esteem. I remember feeling lost
all the time, like I was wondering this earth with no idea of where to
go or what to do. I made it worse by masking my issues with smiles and
laughter. I was a social butterfly and whilst I felt so totally alone, I
had a million friends. Life continued like this for some time until the
breakdown of another toxic relationship forced me to realise that I
couldn't live like this anymore. I packed my bags and moved home to my
parents where I hoped to find myself a little and reboot. It took me
months to put weight back on that I had lost, to rebuild my self esteem,
to see the light in most days, to really feel like I had a purpose or
that I was worth something. I still wasn't in the place I wanted to be
but at least I started to climb out of the deep hole I had been in for
many years. During this time I met someone very special. He made me find
the light in myself that had gone out many years before. I felt alive
and like I was on a natural high everyday so both with our own baggage
we started a relationship which I am happy to say still continues today.
Don't be fooled in to thinking that I was cured and that I lived happily
ever after. This wasn't the case. Depression & Anxiety followed me into
my new happy light filled life. It sat quietly dormant in the corners of
my mind while I laughed and smiled and enjoyed all of the new
experiences coming my way with my new best friend. It sat there waiting
for the perfect time to launch it's full attack. Just when I couldn't be
more happy or content, I tripped and fell into that big black hole. The
hole that makes you analyze everything, question your life, your
relationship, your career and mostly yourself. The hole that makes you
push people away, makes you feel so hateful towards yourself that you
don't even want to look at yourself in the mirror. The hole that makes
you not want to get out of bed in the mornings, makes you cry at the
drop of a hat and the hole that grinds your thoughts away until you
can't even think rationally anymore. This episode was so much worse for
me because I was happy and sad at the same time. I couldn't have been
more content with my life and I had a great partner who I wanted to be
with forever yet I couldn't get a grasp of myself emotionally and
mentally. I was so confused as to why this was happening, why was I so
sad when I had not one reason to be sad at all. I had minor anxiety
through out my younger years but mostly was able to control it and push
through but I found that my anxiety levels started going through the
roof. I found it hard to make friends, I found it hard to make the
effort to go for lunch or dinner with the friends I already did have. I
stopped answering calls and responding to texts, I didn't want to go do
anything anymore. It was one of the hardest times of my life. Not only
was I suffering but I was putting a major strain on my partner. He
didn't understand depression and didn't understand why I couldn't 'just
snap out of it'. He struggled most days to have a normal conversation
with me because I was always accusing him of not loving me or constantly
asking for reassurance. For reasons I still don't know, he stayed with
me. For that I am forever grateful. One day I finally crumbled in a heap
on my bedroom floor. I was home alone but felt more alone than I ever
had in my life. I cried and cried and cried until I could not even open
my eyes anymore. I looked in the mirror and wanted to die. Not literally
take my life, but I wanted to disappear, I wanted to just not think or
feel or be this way anymore. I knew I was bordering suicidal which
really really scared the shit out of me. I did NOT want to be that
person. I called Lifeline and spoke to a lady, we spoke for about an
hour. We spoke about everything, she made me realise I wasn't alone and
made me realise that there was help out there. She told me to book an
appointment with a doctor and helped me through my own thoughts until I
finally could see and understand what I needed to do to save myself and
to save my relationship. I booked a doctor appointment and was diagnosed
with major depression and anxiety and was prescribed medicine(again). I
walked out of the doctors feeling good, feeling like I had just taken
the first step to life again. To actually being a human again. I started
the tablets and had a pretty rocky start, it is really true about what
they say...'it gets worse before it gets better'. The tablets made me
extremely unwell, made me dizzy, made me feel high and stopped me from
sleeping for some time. But after about 3-4 weeks I started to see a
change. I wasn't crying as much, I wasn't over analyzing every situation
and my partner and I weren't fighting. I started feeling positive about
my direction in life and wanted to keep improving. I started exercising
and eating healthy and I really did start to feel genuinely happy with
everything. It was the most amazing feeling and something I dont think I
remembered feeling for years. Many people criticize medication but for
me it turned my life around. I even started to help friends of mine
through some dark times in their lives by offering support, a shoulder
to cry on, someone to talk to that understood exactly what it felt like
to be in such a dark place. I basically felt like I had finally overcome
my depression and anxiety and that I had full control of my life and my
emotions. There were still days I would get down but I would be down
just for that day, not for weeks and weeks to follow. I often found
myself pushing negative thoughts out of my head and looked for the
positive ones. I finally had control Or so I thought! Today I sit here,
with puffy eyes from crying, a sore throat and runny nose from sniffling
myself to sleep, and that horrible numb feeling I know all to well. It
has snuck up on me again. I feel like running and hiding but I know
wherever I go it will be right behind me. I am wondering how this
happened. My life is going in the exact direction I want it to, I have a
million things to look forward to and yet I can feel that sadness,
stress and anxiety feeling wash over me. It crept in a few weeks ago and
although not obvious to me has been obvious to all the people I care
about around me. The irrational thoughts started, the irritability
started, the mood swings kicked in, the insomnia begun and that fucked
up feeling of I hate myself jumped straight back up on that horse. I am
scared because I dont want to have to go through this all again. I am
terrified that maybe this time I might push people to the limit and
mostly I am scared of what permanent damage I am going to do to myself
and to the relationships around me. How did I get here again? What is
wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? Why dont people understand
how hard a life like this is? Why cant I be normal? What am I supposed
to do? Someone please make it go away?.....these are some of the
thoughts that are running through my head right now. But the main
question I have right now is.How many times am I going to fall before I
cant get back up again. I am trying to fight my way through the negative
thoughts, and I am hoping I can beat this episode like I beat the last
one. I feel stronger than I felt last time but does that mean my
depression and anxiety is stronger too? I try to look forward and to all
the amazing wonderful things in my life and they do offer some comfort
but am I going to lose all these things?.....I guess time will tell. I
am back to reading and researching as much information as I possibly can
on depression and anxiety but mostly on depressive episodes. I can see
that depression and anxiety is something that never really goes away for
the sufferer, they just have to find ways to defend themselves when they
feel it creeping in. I guess that I am trying to accept that this is
something I am going to have forever. Its something that I have to live
with forever and ever and that thought scares the shit out of me. I dont
want to have to struggle through every day. And although most days are
fine, the bad days are so horrible that I wouldnt wish them upon my
worst enemy. Today is a bad day but I only hope tomorrow is a good one.
I am scared but prepared to get through this again. I got my ammo and Im
ready to fight. I know I am a good person deep down. Depression &
Anxiety might be a part of me but I am determined to not let it rule me.
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