If only I could see inside my own head

[Dot]

I wish I could turn my eyes around and see inside my own head.

Our eyes are always looking out.  We see the rain, the sun, the beauty of nature, the people we love and those we don't know. We see the darkness, that fuzzy cloud that distorts our reality and sends us retreating to that place in our head.

Why do I wish I could turn my eyes around? I want to see and fix the bits that are broken. Pills don't work for me, I hate that disconnected feeling. I went to a psychologist once and they wanted me to scream at a chair - definitely not my thing.  I have tried talking to family and friends but I get the feeling they just want me to 'get over it'.

So here I am taking another step in my journey to 'get over it'.

First a little background. I am female, I guess the name Dot gave that away, I am approaching 59, I work full time, I live alone and I have a fabulous son of 28. I am the 'chatty Cathy' at work, the one who is always positive and laughing, the one who notices when someone else is down and the one who is happy to offer a comforting word or a motherly hug. I am also the one who drips perspiration from my head everyday walking to work, the one who sees people looking at me in judgement, the one who hangs around the fringe of the work morning tea, the one who always says no to social events.

Funny isn't it - I am sitting at home alone writing this and feeling anxious. Why? You can't see me. You won't know me if you passed me in the street. Yet somehow in my head I am never good enough, I won't measure up. Does that make me sad, yes sometimes it does. Does it make me angry, no not really. The truth is it makes me feel a great sense of disappointment and sometimes shame.

Why did the 21 yr old who worked on our farm 'fiddle' with me when I was 12? Did that really happen or did I manifest that in some part of my broken mind?  If it wasn't real why does it still haunt me.

Why did my marriage fail? Why did my husband leave me to raise our son alone and unsupported only to come back when he was sick and dying of cancer? Why did I look after him, bury him and grieve for him?

Why do I feel no connection to my sisters? Do they really care? Tried a few times to discuss my 'condition' with them and the first thing said is "....oh yes I have friend who's got that... do you want another glass of wine?"  Ah no I don't want a glass of wine, what I really want is you to listen to me - pleeeaaasse!

So next step is how do I fix me? I am pretty strong but it's getting a little harder to resist the temptation to run away from everything and everyone. 

So here I am embarking on project Dot - turning my eyes around and looking inside my own head to fix the bits that are broken. This year I have signed up for the 'World's Greatest Shave' - I figure that people are staring at me anyway, so I will shave my head (to a number 1) and give them a reason to look. This is a leap outside of my comfort zone but hopefully I will raise a little money to help others and that makes me feel good.

Step 2 of project Dot is to sign up Beyond Blue to find tools and tips to help me in my journey and hopefully offer some help to others like me and let's face it even though we feel alone there are a whole lot of us out there.

Step 3 - exercise more, eat better, stop using bad food as my drug if choice.

Step 4 - study - in an attempt to fill some empty hours but also to gain traction and move towards accepting that I am a strong, capable person who does not need the validation of others to feel whole.

Step 5 - to keep picking myself up when I fall down and I will fall down. Accepting that I will fall is a positive step, knowing how to pick myself up quicker is what I am striving for.

I had my first depressive episode when I was 19, so I have been struggling with this for a long time. For me it is now about acceptance of my condition and not looking for  the 'magic cure'  but looking inside myself  for ways to better manage my condition on a daily basis so I can lead a more socially connected life. At the moment if I did not have to work I would probably stay inside away from all human contact.

So folks that's a, not so brief, post about me. Please feel free to have a chat and ask any questions or share any tips you may have for me.

Cheers:-)

[Neil_1]

Hi Dot

Welcome to Beyond Blue and if you've been lurking around for a little while and reading other postings, you'll have picked up that this a tremendous site, full of like-minded people.  People who are willing to share stories, experiences and people who will gladly put their 'electronic' shoulder out there for others to gain support and just provide support to others in times of need.  Judging by the way you write, the experiences you've had and the person that you seem to be via your post, you are going to fit beautifully into this site.

Your post was so full of experience, sad times, horrifyingly awful times (12yo) and also positive signs with how you proposed your 5 step plan.  That was so good to read.

I'm good enough to be about 10 years younger than you, but how you described yourself in your workplace is (or more so was) how I used to be.  Just a quick diversion as I'm in an awful workplace at the moment and it's so detrimental to my mental health, but at this present time, there's nothing that can be done about it.  I just have to ride this particular time out and hopefully in the next 3-4 weeks there will be a change, which is a possibility.

But back to chatty Cathy ... yes, I was like that in the past and I can see myself possibly like that in the future.  Where you come in and in a way, you become somewhat of a 'social worker', which I've done in the workplace a number of times before.  Somehow people migrate to you with their personal problems and so you come like a sounding board for them and sometimes are able to offer some advice.  I'm sensing you may have played this role at times too Dot.  And funnily enough, as you've described ... morning teas, you (we) play a low level role and as often as we can get away with it, we say no to social functions, etc.  You are not on your own with these thoughts and methods Dot.

It sure sounds like you've basically had to do all this on your own and have had so much of your share of bad times and heartache along the way.  To shoulder all this for such a long time speaks volumes for the amazing lady that you are.

I'm so glad that you've come to this site and I just wanted to get this post out to you before I head out for a while ... but just to say again, welcome and you're going to find a lot of wonderful people for support and I also particularly liked the part where you said you'd be even able to respond to others ... cause I feel you'll have a wealth of knowledge, advice and guidance to give.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Dot

It's great that you have come on here to share your experience.  It's not easy sharing personal information on a forum but we are all caring and share our stories, ideas, way to get better or feel better.  We understand.

I am sorry to read that you had an awful experience at 12.  I too had awful experiences between the ages of 9-12 where i was sexually abused by 3 different guys.

I can relate to what you're saying about work - I too am different at work always chatting to workers or customers and having a laugh or too.  And it's funny because the younger girls always come up to me and want advice or chat about their life. And I'm like Neil 10 yrs younger but I find at most of the jobs I've had that I get along great with staff aged between 20-30.  Some have told me that they see me as their mum and I feel nice when they say that.

Dot, sounds like you have a great 5 step plan - that is amazing.  You know I don't even know what I want to do this year let alone this month.  So my psych suggested just yesterday that I write out a weekly plan and we are going to discuss this next week.

Hoping you can come back and chat with us again 

Jo

[Dot]

Hi Neil, thank you for your kind words. Wow I am a little overwhelmed that I have received a response.  This was a bit of a stretch to post on this forum - there are a few stories I have read and it is sad but comforting in a weird way that there are so many people I can relate to here.  Yes, your observation that I have mostly done this on my own is correct and that is why doing the 'world's greatest shave' is a pretty big leap for me. I am very uncomfortable asking for help as it makes me feel like a failure. So having to ask my workmates etc for their support on my fundraising was hard but the response has been great. Just  today one of the young girls I work with went to the trouble to find my mobile number and text me to ask if it was okay for her to make cupcakes for work tomorrow and she wants to sell them for a gold coin donation to my fundraising . Today has been a mostly good day. Thanks for helping that happen 🙂

[Dot]

Hi Jo, thanks for responding to my post. I am sorry that you have had that experience - it is an ugliness that is hard to handle. I know for me it haunts my self worth on a regular basis and has certainly impacted my ability to trust men's intentions.

Good luck with your weekly plan. If you are comfortable to share it - please do - I would be pleased to support and encourage you as you have me. 

I think I am a closet hippie as I believe that putting stuff out into the universe can  bring back the unexpected and the positive. For me that has already happened today with you and Neil giving me such positive encouragement.

[Pixie15]

Hi and welcome.

You have a fairly comprehensive plan. The only thing I would add is some outside help. From my own experience meditation helps me see what was going on in my own head but I need the help of others to process it and keep me honest.

Cheers.

[Dot]

Hi Neil, having some technical issues trying to post a reply to you. This is take three. Thank you for your kind words, still apprehensive about posting on BYB but am grateful for the encouragement.

[Dot]

Hi, thanks for your reply. With meditation do you use a CD at home or do you got to class? I would like to try meditating but don't know if I can sit still and force for long enough for it to help. 

[Guest_3712]

Hi Dot,

It was inspiring to hear your story and of the plans you have made. Despite your apprehension you sound very strong and focussed.

I guess I am closer to your age than the others not that it matters and have also shared similar experiences. I love your  opening paragraphs of seeing out at all the beauty in the world, sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me going.

The beauty in my children, my home , the beach, my little dog and then I look inwards at all the ugliness in my head.............I too wish I could just take it out and fix the broken bits.

If I may just comment on your reference to work, saying if you didn't have to work you would stay inside away from all human contact- this is true in my case and I definitely wouldn't wish it on anyone. Funny isn't when we have a job a lot of times we dread going in, think of ways to have sickies etc but when we don't have that we wish desperately that we did.

I would give anything to be back in the workforce, contributing, feeling useful, important. Hang on Dot to that life line of interacting and being connected to people. It is really important because depression wants to isolate us, keep us alone with all those thoughts- that is how it wins.

nice to chat to you

regards

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hi Dot

I've re-read what I posted and I just wanted to make clear something that I wrote;  my 2nd para ... and I felt awful re-reading it.  My last sentence was solely aimed at addressing the positive signs with your 5 step plan.

Your post was so full of experience, sad times, horrifyingly awful times (12yo) and also positive signs with how you proposed your 5 step plan.  That was so good to read.

Phew, I feel better for clearing that up.

Dot, I also did the World's Greatest Shave thing ... hmmm, back in 2008.  I lost my Dad in 2007 to leukemia and by the time the "Shave" came along I was fairly wild and woolly up on top ... no beard or anything, just messy untidy hair and so it all came off and to be honest a much better look.  I also was so pleased with the amount of money I raised.  I wish you all the best with your efforts ... are you doing it with a few other people?  I did it with 4 others and there was a lady amongst our group, who did the No. 1 clipper style.  Just incredible stuff.

As I mentioned in my first post, you've had so many awful experiences happen to you during your journey and basically from what I can tell, you've had to handle it all on your own.  You said pills don't work, nor did a pyschologist.  Can I please ask if you could re-think this and seriously give thought to trying professional help again.  I think that this is something that you will greatly benefit from.

For instance, on this site, there are practitioners listed, who are highly skilled in dealing with mental health issues and I honestly feel that this could be something worth investigating.  If you do a search for them, hopefully you'll find some in your location/area.  However, I could be overstepping the mark here, as you may already have a GP that you feel comfortable with, and if so, that's great ... and if so, perhaps you'd be able to make an appointment with them.

I feel you've got a huge load of issues that you're carrying with you on a daily basis and it would be brilliant for you to be able to unload them to a professional.  As you're probably aware, all the posters here (all bar Christopher - who is linked with Beyond Blue) are fellow sufferers of this damn awful illness.  We, like you, are so experienced with what we suffer from, but at the same time, I think nearly all of us have no answers for why we suffer.

Having said, the fellow posters here are the most kind, wonderful, warm-hearted, caring and supportive people I think I've ever come across.  I only know them by their names on here, but holy smoke, you can quickly judge someone's personality and these people are the absolute salt-of-the-earth people.  They're all facing their own demons and yet, they'd give you the shirt off their own back or their last dollar if you needed it.  (and I'm not saying you Dot, that's the royal or global you).  🙂

Boy do I rabbit on ... basically what I'm trying to say is a couple of things.  Firstly that while we can give advice, guidance and support and experience to each other, the bottom line is, we are not professionals, and that is where I'm trying to go with this ... that it's absolutely awesome that you've made the step to come here, but I really think that your next awesome and positive step will be to seek professional assistance.  And secondly ... oh yeah, secondly is that with each message that you receive or read or see on another thread, I hope you feel more comfortable about this site and yeah, that's all I wanted to say.

Cheers Dot

And again, sorry about the length of this post ... it'll be a massive effort just to read the damn thing.  🙂

Neil