I don’t know

Rubaiya

I am unable to do anything. Specially I can't study. I have assessments due. instead of doing that I am doing everything. I struggle with getting things done. Even if try to somehow starting the task I just need to do it perfectly or either not at all. When I can't do perfectly I just became sad and leave the task. My to do lists and never getting ticked. Even I don’t have a to do. I don’t have any list. I can't make a list. I can't plan anything. Even if I do I can't finished it. There is a lot of voices in my head. They always argue. I can specially hear two voices one is the voice of current me and another is 2 year old me. The 2 year old me to trantrums, take implusive decisions, don’t want to wait, have big emotions, meltdowns and my older self try saying no no don’t do it..Toodler me always wins and current me is just tired and frustrated now. Want to run. It feels like having a giant head on you body that gives you pain, wrong directons, confused directions. I am always confused, having multiple options in my head..Being in relationships that you know don’t serve you, But keep going for more than 10 years, there is someone is me that says stop!! this are the signs!! I do Stop.. But when I cut connections , I get implusive, even if that moment they are hiding anywhere in the world I would find them.. Don’t know what to feel, what to do, what to expect myself..I am not consistent in anything in my life.. I hate myself..I don’t deserve anything

LucidCat

You deserve everything this world has to offer. 💓

Zarak

You come across as an intelligent person and you are more than capable of doing it perfectly. I would guess that you know this and have done it before. But it might have required long hours, studying/working through the night, to eventually hit that sweet hour when your thoughts become lucid and you knock out large chunks of your assessments in a few short hours - all this potentially on the day that your assignment is due which meant that you nailed it in record time.

That's not sustainable. While you are perfectly able to produce perfection given the ideal situation, we need to remind ourselves that we do not live in an ideal world and those situations are few and far between. Instead of leaving it late and aiming for perfection, try to work on it early aiming at passing with the shortest amount of time - this will give you much more time to revisit the assessment before it's due to add elements which takes you to credit, distinction, and HDs.

All or nothing doesn't work as an adult. Lists are the right direction. Try looking at goals and working backwards. Breaking the assessment into subjects; what you need to study for in those subjects; amount of pages per subject or textbook(s); then you might even get to mins/hours per reading. Extra points if you're setting aside time to do your own notes for better memory retention and easy reviewing for your finals.

"Wanting to run" is correct - literally do it. Move your body as it helps clear your mind. If you can't do a 5km run, then just walk for 15 mins. Your body and brain are the same animal, and if you're having negative thoughts and it's causing you to produce negative hormones that aggitate you and later probably causing you bad restless sleep, then move your body first before trying to tackle your problem. If you're contemplating working making an all-or-nothing effort on an assignment which might take hours, I hope you can spare 15-30 minutes.

If you're spending time in relationships that aren't helping your confidence level, it might be the right thing to do to reduce your time spent in them. You don't need to cut them off altogether, especially if you've invested 10+ years in them. But spending less time with people that don't make you feel great, and more time working on yourself - body, mind, positive hobbies, non-fiction readings.

Guest_10343

Hi Rubaiya,

Thank you so much for being brave enough to write all of this out. It sounds like your mind is incredibly loud and exhausting right now, and I just wanted to reach out and say that you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way.

The "all or nothing" paralysis of perfectionism is so incredibly draining. When the pressure to do a task perfectly becomes too heavy, freezing up and abandoning it isn't you being lazy—it is a completely natural stress response. Your brain is just overloaded.

What you described about the "2-year-old" voice and the adult voice is actually incredibly insightful. Many people experience this in therapy (often called "inner child" work). When we are severely burnt out, that inner toddler just wants to rebel, cry, and run away from all the adult responsibilities because the pressure feels like too much to carry. Your adult self is exhausted from trying to manage it all, and it makes total sense that you are feeling frustrated and just want to run.

Please try to be gentle with yourself right now. You don't have to fix your relationships, your study habits, and your to-do lists all today. You don't even need to make a list today. Try to drop the word "perfect" from your vocabulary for a little while.

Your worth is not measured by your assessments, your productivity, or how perfectly you do things. You do deserve good things, and you do deserve peace. Take a deep breath, strip things back to the absolute basics—like just drinking a glass of water or stepping outside for 5 minutes—and take it one tiny step at a time. We are here for you.

Rubaiya

Dear community member,Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.

Rubaiya

Thank you Zarak for reading me and for your kind words❤️

Rubaiya

Thank you Lucidcat. It means a lot❤️

trying_my_best

Hi again Rubaiya!

I completely empathise with your struggles! I find myself in same boat often. Maintaining motivation to study is hard for everyone to try and maintain! You are definitely not alone! I would love to know more about what you’re inner monologue is like when you manage to get yourself through the metaphorical door to start a task?

wishing you the best 🫶