I don’t know what I feel

[AMItch101]

I don’t honestly know what I’m feeling, I’m honestly hating the person I’m becoming.. I’m always angry, snap so easily and honestly feel hopeless!


I feel so pressured and like a major burden at home and it honestly kills me!
I can’t hold a job, I can’t feel free to always be myself, I’m lonely, I’m envious, I’m jealous.


I see everyone in my life move forward, and I feel as though I’m trapped in some sort of non-existent existence, accomplishing nothing, doing nothing! Honestly, I am nothing.


Can’t say I’ve had a rough life, in fact, it’s pretty decent by all accounts, but I can’t accept me, if that makes any sense.
I have no one to talk to.. I’m always contemplating and rethinking everything!!


I feel being gay, while no one In my family rejects it... I still feel I subconsciously hide myself.. like I don’t know how to explain. I’m secluded, act really straight, dodge questions regarding sexuality and feel like I self jeopardise romance chances!


I constantly have a inner feeling of just running away, move to a city, no money, no friends, no family, and no one to disappoint! And I feel life would be better.


I’m so afraid of my life.
I’m so afraid of what I am.
I’m so afraid of never being happy.
I’m so afraid of being alone forever.
I’m so afraid of my feelings.
I’m so afraid of myself.


I’m feeling so empty... I snap all the time! And I’m scared of myself, I have no one to talk to! No one understands how I feel, and I can’t deal with it.. I sit and cry at nights thinking of stupid things. And just things I should be doing with myself!


I want someone to talk to!
I want someone to help keep my thought at bay!
I want someone to listen!
I want someone to understand!
I want someone to accept me for me!
I want someone to see me!


I’ve never felt like I truly belong here, like I’m stranded with no place to go. I’ve never been true. I can’t look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.


Now after writing this, something I’ve never been able to do! It seems like I’m just drawing attention. I don’t know, this could be just me overthinking!
I’m just honestly scared of how my thoughts will adapt as time goes on!

I’m sorry for anyone reading this!

[Sophie_M]

Hey AMItch101,

We are so grateful you have felt brave enough to share your journey with us here in the beyondblue community. We know how difficult this can be and it is so important that you have done this tonight. We're sorry that things have been so difficult for you but want you to know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service are trying to reach you via email. There is always help available.  Check back in and let us know how you're going.
 

[therising]

Hi AMltch101

One of the most torturous things about being in a depression is not being able to understand exactly how we got there. Another is not being able to understand how to rise out of it. A lot of the time we don't fully understand the journey and how it took place until we're finally out of that dark place.

Occasionally, I'll ask people 'Do you remember what it was like to be your most natural self?' Of course, most of us don't recall clearly the first 4 or 5 years of our life. Typically, we were happy go lucky, loved adventure and life in general, were highly imaginative, wondered about everything, loved unconditionally and didn't have a discriminating bone in our body. We didn't give any thought to looking in the mirror for a self-assessment (before our parents took us out) because that would just be an unnecessary waste of time. Hmm...what the heck happened between then and now?

Over the years, we're taught to

• adventure less and ground our self more
• imagine/wonder less and begin thinking more
• love and be loved under certain conditions
• be less accepting and discriminate more regarding age, gender, race, sexual preference etc and our self

Not a lot of folk are conscious of the need to help us build upon our natural abilities.

I have found that the quest to regain my natural abilities relies on me resisting much of what I've been taught over the years. I'm 49, so that's a lot of years. One of the abilities I've regained is Daydreaming. I was a brilliant daydreamer as a kid and told to stop it. These days, if I'm unsure about what direction to take in life, I start daydreaming and allow inspiration to naturally come in. I don't try to think my way into an answer, I let the answer come to me. Some folk may call this a form of mediation. By the way, interesting fact I learned lately: Scans show that the brain is in a higher state of activity when daydreaming is taking place. If you are a natural born daydreamer, try it, instead of forcing yourself to think up solutions. Try not to over ride any positive inspiration that comes to you. Go with it. For example, if it suddenly comes to you to get in touch with a support group from the gay community, rise to the challenge and begin doing your homework toward connecting.

We gradually have most of our natural self taught out of us and then we're told around the age of 16 'Okay, now it's time to find yourself and your way in the world'. 'But I don't know who I am anymore', can become our mantra.

🙂