I don't know if anyone feels like I do???

[Leonay]

This is a poem I wrote while in crisis and I don't know if it makes sense at all (it is a little rough but I have left it raw as it was written just to explain to people I know how I felt and they don't understand)...

I don’t know quite just what to do a hurdle has come my way

An obstacle so frightening I’m scared I’ll lose my way
I know just where I have been and what its like down there
The Black Dog is again barking and I’m caught up in its snare

I know its not the right thing but I cannot see the light
I’m frightened of spending another second let alone another night
Feeling the way that I do where my emotions are on full burst
Wanting to end everything, wanting it with such thirst

I’m frightened of going backwards to hospital again
Because I’m suicidal and I feel alone without a friend
I feel like I've let everyone down, every person that I love
I feel like they’ll get freedom from a peaceful flying dove

If I can just go quietly into the night and not wake
Everyone will be better off and for me they won’t need to be fake
They can be with who they want to and be happy one and all
They can free themselves from my shackles and stop their personal fall

For I am but a burden causing not a thing but great pain
For everyone around me again again again
I feel like it is time for me to be a man and do what’s right for all
To end the pain and suffering and end it for them all.

Please don’t send me away from here I trust you oh so much
This is but my one last chance to save me from the things that hurt so much
Please help me to understand how to manage how I feel
I’m on the edge this very second and for me this is definitely real.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Leonay, 

We can hear in your writing that you have been through some really tough times, we hope that you are feeling at least a bit better now. Thank you for showing the courage to post to the forums today, you never know who will see your work and feel a little bit less alone in their struggles. 

We want to make sure that you are ok, we think it would be great for you to give us a call on 1300 22 4636. Our team are wonderful and listening and offering a helping hand. 

Thanks again for posting, we can hear that you have been through a lot and we are so thankful that you are here sharing and offering support and validation to others in that position. 

Kind regards ,
Sophie M

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Made me cry. You've really captured this shared experience. It does feel lonely, but it's a shared experience. Stick here with us x

[MissPink13]

Leonay, this is a beautiful poem you have written!

I have recently started something called dot journaling. It’s an old trend, but I have been writing quotes and poems from Pinterest in there with pictures I have drawn. I wonder if you could start something like this too? Or even putting your words to music.

I hope you share this poem with people closest to you so they can understand how you are feeling the best they can. It’s hard for some people, they don’t always understand. From your words alone, you sound so clever and brilliant and I am sure your closest support would love to be able to help you see how amazing you are!

Hang on a little longer, these days will pass and you will see for yourself what the world has to offer you.

I hope you could start a thread with some more lovely poems. It is truly a gift x

Sending you all my love and strength

[quirkywords]

Leonay

I really found your poem so moving. You write very expressively .

Your words will help all those reading.

You are not alone and we are listening.

[Leonay]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. Unfortunately most of my poems are far too long for these forums so I can't share them. I will go through and see if I can share any others.

I do find it easier to put words to paper than to speak them. I hated writing as a child and it has only been through my darkest times that I have found the ability to get my jumbled up thoughts down on paper. It is wonderful for me to know that people understand what I am feeling. I have shared my poems with my family and some close work colleagues and no one understands. It is nice to know someone does. It helps with the isolation.

Take care everyone and be kind to yourself and those around you.

[Leonay]

I Don’t Want To Be The Victim

This morning was a challenge with the group work at the start
It wasn’t about feelings, sport or even art
We spoke about a triangle and maths it definitely wasn’t
A triangle of drama that hinders our lives in such a torrent

I realised I was thinking of myself us such a victim
Everyone against me, I’m a loser and I am stricken
But what I suddenly realised is that things are not that simple
I am also a rescuer and persecutor to myself I needed to rekindle

I need to face my problems and see that no one else can solve them
I need to accept I have some things that for me are a major problem
I went out quick and bought some stuff to jot down my ideas
And plan some solutions but from the staff I might need them to lend an ear

You see it easy to be the sufferer and to feel like everyone else is to blame
For all my woes and worries and for making me insane
But what I soon did realise was that I had much more control
Over every situation about my positive and negative poles

I need to think of solutions and not be scared to feel glee
I need to make my own choice as to what will work for me
For no one else can make the choice for my personal direction
I need to face some really hard and difficult selections

So I have bought a notebook which is not that big a deal
But for me it is the first steps to helping me feel real
For now I can document the issues that I face
I can write and list all the things I need deal with at pace

I can also list the daily chores that I need to complete to be fair
I need to split the chores like washing, ironing and putting the socks in pairs
I need to list my schoolwork that is important, mild or major
To prioritise my day and get really organised so I’m not a failure

From here I can start to take the steps to control the words in my head
I can begin to develop a strategy so I’m calmer when I go to bed
For night time for me is so damn tough to get my mind to stop
Because there are so many things it feels like my mind will pop

I’m taking but a baby step right now to sort myself out
But I baby step is better than continuing to freak out
I know the people here will help if I get stuck or confused
I know that they can calm me down and help my thoughts diffuse

Ultimately what I’ve found is I am in control
Of all of my decisions and the things that I control
I cannot change the way you feel or what you say to me
But I can change the way I feel about you and allow my feelings to be free.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Gosh! Perhaps I best stay off this thread - made me cry again! You definitely have a knack with words and there's so much pain but so much hope in this one. Keep writing! x

(And, no, I won't be staying off this thread!) ❤️

[Leonay]

Sorry to make you cry. That was not my intent. I just put down my thoughts. Some say I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve and need to toughen up which I agree with to a degree... perhaps I wouldn't be bullied constantly at work. But for me this is just one outlet.