Family blues? The secret of a Merry Christmas

[white knight]

Countless people this time of year face family conflict. Anxiety even from wars far away or human or financial hardship or animal misery can all take their toll. We need a "back to basics" mentality. 

Xmas for those with mental health issues or relationship challenges can be saved with an internal focus on-

• your own needs 
• dragging out goodwill to others perhaps less fortunate. Serving soup to the homeless?
• the years reflection and the next year plans. A positive outlook.
• valuing the minimal contact with others (yes, sharing xmas cake and a brew with just one person). Tokenism can "represent" a successful xmas.

So the spirit of xmas can be rewarding regardless of family squabbles. This year 2022 I'm experiencing  my own family split. While sad that these irreconcilable differences have happened in the last 2 weeks I will not allow such sad circumstances to cloud the message of the event. I'm an atheist, but that has zero bearing on my belief that xmas often does have family issues, hardship and hurt, so expecting it helps accept it. 

By far the greatest attitude we can adopt is not positivity (although it helps) and is not selfishness (although we at times need to be) but it's "empathy" and "giving"- to acknowledge there is worse off, to create actions of wiping the tears of a poor person with a xmas dinner, to love a family of birds with seed or mow an elderly persons lawn.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/humility-and-quot-the-good-samaritan-quot/td-p/3075...

Our purpose on this planet is not to enter into self harm, suicidal thoughts etc and to carry the burden of trauma. Our purpose is to survive and channel our efforts into lifting others up from their feelings of hopelessness. For like many I've been at ground level and here I am reaching out to you, I'm holding your hands right now, I'm hugging you, yes, I'm wiping your tears... and lifting. Life can be so good, I want you to come with me to be where I am. Financial cost zero, love and empathy cost- all you can muster.

If you develop this theme of thinking along with letting family conflict come and go then you will be happier and more fulfilled.

That's the secret of a merry Christmas...

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Tony

a thoughtful post which I will need to reread to understand.

I find and large gathering involving family and extended family to have judgmental and critical comments. I find I avoid the people who are toxic and seek the friendly. 

Biting my tongue when provoked and smiling and not replying helps too. 
season greetings to all. 

[white knight]

Hi Quirky

Sometimes it's hard to explain with limited character limit.

In another way- to expect family conflict but personally and internally grasp the theme of Christmas. It need not be religious. But essentially to exercise the message- to give and expect zero in return, to help others in need, to reassure loved ones they are appreciated, to extend kindness and so on.

The above approach is all to do with a better mindset that is healthier towards your own mental health issues.

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Hi quirk and to Tony too.

Avoiding the toxic and biting the tongue , l can certainly relate to that one quirk , especially this yr.

How do you feel about handling things that way later ?

Have bitten it quite a few times bc it's an idea l decided to try a few yrs back , rather than getting drawn into to the rubbish. iT's sort of worked but on the other hand , it's meant those types have also just plain gotten away with their game or comment as well and often around other people , and that part l struggle with.

Weird how they'll choose those times and with zero care about the risk of starting some rubbish and spoiling the day for others, the very thing that might stop me from responding.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Hi again Tony and thanks for the thread and thoughts.

Sorry to hear of the new family split going on in yours. Your situation , marriage and home life just from bits l've read around , is one l often envy round here and that inspires me to keep trying.  l use to have pretty similar but dk if l'll get that lucky again now though.

The other family wise times can be pretty large there's a lot of kids in my family but then there's everyones partners h and w's plus their children on top of it so if everyone turns up that yr it could be 40 or 50 people.

There's surprisingly mostly just good will and people just enjoying themselves among our mob at occasions. l rarely get to a Christmas or such much anymore and no ones ever sure until a few days before where it will be this yr and who's going, so that doesn't help either as l'm 3hrs away.

We actually use to have just beautiful Christmases up here anyway and my d and l still do so it was literally a sacrifice and a 12hr day too, to even go down anyway, just to see them all for once.  

Buttt, there have always been one or two pot stirrers too and a few that for some very strange to me reason , think something like Christmas day or the wk , is a good time to start throwing some mud around. As was the case this yr which l was going down to first in 3 or 4yrs, but due to that bs didn't bother in the end.

These people just absolutely boggle the mind though and just why they even think Christmas time is a good time to start some crap, l'll never understand.

rx

[Doolhof]

Hi TonyWK and to all reading,

I had no idea what to expect from Christmas this year, unfortunately I had allowed thoughts of working Christmas Day to dominate my thoughts, mood and behaviour in a confused and concerned way. Thankfully I had a bit of a positive shift a few days before, resigning myself to what ever happened and trying to shift my focus to what might go right.

I approached visitors with a cheery greeting, tried to concentrate on one person at a time and was thrilled when staff unexpectedly popped up now and then to help. I received some lovely comments from visitors and that really made my day!

Christmas Eve with family went very well. A family member choses not to join us, so now I just try to let that go, I send them greetings, if none are returned, that is their choice.

My husband spent Christmas with his family Christmas Day, an opportunity was not presented to catch up with them any other time. This year I was okay with that. I greatly appreciated the left over food they gave my husband so Christmas Dinner was not an issue after a hectic day at work.

Thanks Tony for sharing, for reaching out to everyone and sharing your care.

Randomx sorry to read about the shenanigans you had to endure.

Season's Greetings to you  all from Dools

[white knight]

Hi Dools and Random

Thankyou both. Both of you have advanced greatly in the last few years I've noticed whereby you now have the capacity of "letting some things go" or "avoidance" of possible conflict. That is significant.

FYI our xmas went like this-  the evening of the 23rd xmas supper at our friends. The same couple came xmas night for xmas dinner. Great. On the 26th my daughter and her wonderful hubby arrived and the following day we had a proper xmas lunch and they are still here and will leave tomorrow. So there was 4 of us for that lunch rather than 7, the other 3 I told them not to come.

4 people for xmas lunch? It went fabulous. Sometimes we must take control and remove the problems to enjoy. 

The 3 concerned are my sister and my 2 nieces. The main issues are triangulation (trying to pit myself against my daughter), and lack of compassion. Due to the seriousness of those issues I cant see myself having any further desire for a relationship however I dont need to react yet and will think things through.

Thankyou for your input

TonyWK