Extremes, life on a herdy gerdy...

[white knight]

I'm not sure if its my bipolar, my depression or both that dictates my extremes in mood from ultra positive to my world as I know it...ending. Ending meaning marriage collapse and becoming a hobo, sad, homeless individual.

I'm sure I'm not alone, that some reading this will relate to the happy times only to regularly fall in a heap.

For me to be joyous everything must be ok. Finances ok, car running well, wife and I on the same page, the weather fine, no one demanding attention in the family etc. But of course nearly every day something occurs. Thats enough to believe life is fragile. My mood thereafter for a number of hours is desperate, its like you just want to escape but you know from your early days 35-40 years ago that that doesnt work, all it does is create more problems needing more answers, not to mention the hurt it causes others and family and friends dont deserve that.

For just one month to live a stable life, to string along many days whereby life is the same. No mania, no sadness, no self harm, no conflict or uncertainty. No feeling like you just want to enter a hospital...Medication I've learned can only do so much, the rest is huge challenges.

I'm a really positive individual but I've learned that my ills do not allow me to keep my chin up all the time. Its just not possible.

"You've got the theory down pat" said the psych nurse but putting it in practice isnt so easy.

I think with mental illness one has a major problem advancing beyond a certain personal ability. After that its beyond our capability.

Erratic mood, do you have that life of swings, roundabouts and herdy gerdies? If so what has been you best remedy? I'd love to know.

Just to ease the pain.

Tony WK

[Guest_3712]

Hey Tony,

Croix and Taurus have said pretty much everything and expressed it well , and have known you longer . I am so sad you are feeling like this and I am certainly guilty of assuming all was well with you .

So very sorry for taking you for granted - I hope you do know deep down you are so very valuable here and deeply appreciated.

Take care

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

"Emotional resilience. No idea. In my life it seems those who care less are more self absorbed and those who do care see the bigger picture"
Very good.
Tony

Your words - and we do see the bigger picture believe it

[Guest_128]

Dear Tony ,

i just want you to know I did send a message as I want you to know Thankyou you are a remarkable soul, and I hope you get to see this.

You have all the bestest answers!

just rest and be you.

much love

Later

[Airies]

Tony,

sorry you are feeling this way. You have no idea how supportive you have been.i keep on bumping into former colleagues @ hospital who walked the same tiers we did. You've had a testing time with your trip, vehicle breaking down and the like. I couldn't do it. Driving to Melbourne does my head in. I'm sure with some medical intervention and upon your return here you will continue to inspire and more importantly hopefully we can look after you.Take care mate, be keeping kind to yourself, glad you and seeking help and deep in discussion with your wife. I would be lost without mine,

in my thoughts Len

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Tony, Sorry you are feeling down. Your initial post sounded like how I feel except I don't have bipolar (so I miss out the highs) just stick to the lows or feeling average. It is difficult when you work hard & think you are on track only to have things constantly throwing up challenges & preventing you moving in the direction you want to go. You mentioned feeling that people don't care. only concerned about their own threads. I can understand this as I have felt this way. I think the problem is not that they don't care but when people are stressed or unwell they can get overwhelmed and unable to post effectively or feel they have to limit their posts to cope with life. I have been guilty of that lately. I've been struggling with many stresses & have had very limited time to spend on the forums without tipping me over the edge.

I am sorry I haven't been more supportive 7 really hope you improve soon as you have been such a supportive person & a great example to others inluding me.

[white knight]

Too upset for words.

Thankyou for your replies. I'll re-read them tomorrow

Tony WK

[Quercus]

Hi Tony,

This morning I saw your post thanking Stressless on another thread and realised you needed help.

I'm sorry. Like Croix said I assumed that your post was solid advice for others (didn't know what hurdy gurdy meant either) and assumed you were ok. Bloody assumptions. Now I wish I'd taken the time to check rather than respond to others because you are important to me.

I'm sad to hear you are struggling. You're such a lovely soul. I hope you and your wife can work things out. Good to hear you're going back to the psych.

Please take care. And next time if we take ages to respond can you consider taking a leaf out of Later's book and tell us to "pull our heads in" 😊. You are valued and cared for Tony.

I'm not terribly huggy but sending a massive bear hug your way.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Tony,

Thank you for your comments on the 'Circle thread' - totally unnecessary but appreciated.

I hope this comes out the way I mean it to, so here goes. I was totally shocked when I first read this thread and realized you were in such a bad place. Why? Because I had forgotten that MI in pretty much every case is not cured but controlled and managed and I think you have said similar.

It came crashing back to me in that moment something I had forgotten, that you weren't a mental health expert or a trained professional but were a fellow sufferer like all of us here and I was mortified that I had just been take, take , taking and I don't think I ever once asked how you were going and as I said in an earlier post I'm so sorry for taking you for granted.

I know when you are feeling better you will acknowledge the contribution you have made here, the people you have influenced and the support you have given.

For me your present situation has affected me greatly- firstly for you of course I am devastated you are going through this dreadful setback , then in a kind of Ah HA moment for me , I am reminded that this has happened to me many times, and will more than likely happen again. Luckily now after many years I know no matter how low I get, I will climb out of the hole eventually and I know you and many other of my friends here will be here to support me.

The positive here is YOU know, and I know that even though the road ahead is going to painful you will do it because you have done it before , and we will be here for you too.You are given the title of Champion Tony,for a very good reason. You are a champion in more ways than just here at BB , but also the many roles you live off line in the real world. Depression does not define you Tony, it is a part of your life yes, like any disease and as you know will respond to treatment.

Use your many years of experience with treatments and strategies that work for you- if its time out from here and the hum drum of normal life then do it ! This is about you now and you have to do what is best for you. You owe it to yourself.

BTW I am not amazing, just maybe a little less selfish and compassionate these days something you and many other champions have shown me . Depression and anxiety can make us very selfish in some ways because it is so consuming and isolating- BB shows us , there are many others going through the same and worse. To reach out is to give back- something I had momentarily forgotten.

Stressless

[white knight]

Quercys, thankyou from the bottom of my heart

Ive had a checkered life history. Many things are tormenting me atm. My jail warder work ended in 1979 but one event hounds me. The aftermath of cpr on two individuals seem to relive themselves and my mothers negative effect on me lingers although I havent seen her for 7 years she continues st 85yo to work behind the scenes with family to hurt me and my sister. Its toiling.

Dear Stressless,

All of that makes sense and i feel humbled.

A few weeks ago i self harmed after years of not understand why people do that. The scars wont go away. Usually I recover from down times within a few days. Atm I cant feel any recovery happening but if history is a guide its on its way.

Im not suicidal. Been down that path and its stupid road to take. But as my brother and uncle went that way and my only other sibling my sister tried numerous times, my positivity is taking a battering.

Regardless, i still answered one post this morning to a sad 40 yo that had nothing to live for. My words were written while my own tears fell as I grappled with life.

Im still disappointed how some have drifted away only thinking of themselves. Cant they try to write words through their tears.?. Maybe not. I just needed them and now I feel its too late. These are people ive helped and never expected return support. I dislike having expectations but when the bare bones of support is needed and there is so much self centred "its all about me" type threads, I read their posts and think "why just take and not give"?

You have explained yourself very well and others also have expressed how this thread looked like one of the 160 others that were my words of guidence, not a call for "pulling up a chair".

Its a reflection of how the threads have evolved whereby members log on to visit certain threads now but not read some needing help. That in itself is a take take mentality.

Again to you that have replied you collectively have made me feel better.

And thats my need atm.

The society of sand might have my legs but I'll continue to build my sandcastle

Much love

Tony WK

[Guest_9809]

Thankyou for that very comprehensive post to all who have responded to your call for help. You have received a most worthy response from many people who clearly care for you and who have received much help and advice from you over a period of time.

I'm sorry I have not been more across your situation Tony. My fault obviously, but I dont seem to cross paths that often with you on the Forums, and therefore dont know you that well. We tend to differ in our life experiences and as such we 'work' in different circles. Nonetheless, that does not mean I dont care. It simply means that I was not aware. Now that I am, please know that I'm here for you if there is anything I can do by way of support.

May you continue to build a mighty sandcastle, climb to the very top of it, and again become king of your castle.

Kindest thoughts for you. And again I am truly sorry for not recognising your need for support.

Taurus