Anony_mouse, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this, and thank you for sharing your story so openly with us. I cannot imagine the stress you've been under with this cycle of suffering. I hope writing it all out has been somewhat cathartic - it often is.
For a relapse to occur when you're stressed, it makes sense. It can feel like a real kick to the gut, or it can feel like it's somehow your fault, and that feeling of guilt is pretty common for people with a history of eating disorders who relapse. Just know that a relapse does not mean that you have failed or that you're not still capable of feeling better. You're just in survival mode at the moment.
This may sound like a superficial take, and I'm aware that it's never as simple as "be kind to your body", but it can be important to take some time every now and again to reflect on just how much your body allows you to do. It is a vessel that gets you places, it allows you to see, remember, and interact with the people you love, it helps you achieve the things in life that you want to achieve. As somebody who has struggled throughout my teens and young adulthood with my self-esteem and how I am perceived by others, this is something that has brought me some peace.
The other thing that often brings me comfort is remembering that in general, I am my own harshest critic, and that nobody is thinking about me to the same level that I am. In the context of self-esteem, this can sometimes be a pleasant realisation to come to. You're right in that good people who are worth having around you also do not care what you look like, they will treat you kindly and respectfully regardless of your appearance.
"All I want is to have a healthy relationship with food."
Even through the screen, I can sense your pain in this line alone. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. I have had many friends over the years, mostly female, who I have watched struggle with their body image and eating disorders. This desire is all too common.
Recovery can be a long and effortful process as I'm sure you know, and your mindset is already going to be such a powerful rock in your journey of feeling better. Hold onto that mindset, that goal of achieving a healthier relationship with food. You've recognised what may be stopping you from achieving this. That's amazing. There are also parts of you that are trying to overcome these things already.
Have you been seeing a GP, therapist, or psychologist regularly? If not, somebody who is dedicating to supporting you in your journey of recovery can be so meaningful.
Do you also have any loved ones who you'd feel comfortable confiding in about your journey and recovery? It may help to have a few really supportive people around you to check in with you when you need some extra motivation and love.
I think you have a fantastic mindset, and that is so, so important here. Particularly your last few sentences about actively choosing to focus on nutrients rather than numbers. If that's something that works for you, it's absolutely worth a try. We're here to support you as well.
Take care, SB
