Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[white knight]

A deep thankyou Paul

My dad in 1992 passed away in hospital. I got there too late.

I had always dreamed of hugging him or getting one from him. The nurses asked me if I'd like to say goodbye. That's when that moment Dizzy described happened. All the hugs and kisses rolled into one.

Dad lived in an age when manhood was judged on things like not giving affection to sons.

I wrote the poem some 15 years later.

Some things are symbolic. A pinnacle. A peak whereby everything is clear.

In term of this and 'loving ones self" it helps to find reasons why we miss out on some things in life. Eg the lorm depicts why I missed out on dad's affection, a symbol, one kiss, repaired the loss. The value if one kiss was if equal value to all mussed out on.

So we can use symbolic moments Aldo as a reason to love ourselves. I'm still in this process. Eg, assisting an old person cross the road. Its a reason to love yourself.

I'll get there.

I admire you Paul.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hi Tony...I am often told I am as handy as a 'rubber shovel'.....I would love to put your beautiful poem in a frame..

1992 or 2016.....the pain is a constant....It may as well be 5 minutes ago....

You always provide me with clarity Tony WK ....and since the pain is still recent...my best for you and your dad always. Paul (Hug)

[Petra]

Tony

You poem is amazing. After my Dad suicided, I was 14 at the time, I wasn't allowed to view his body before the funeral. I felt like I never had the opportunity to say goodbye. It haunted me for years. Not having that closure. I accepted the reason Mother gave.....to protect me as you can't 'unsee' things. Dad was complete, so I don't believe viewing his body would have been be a problem for me. I would have liked to have kissed his forehead too.

Thanks for sharing this poem. This is the first time I've cried reading BB! In a good way. As Paul says, it may as well have been 5 mins ago.

xx

[geoff]

dear Paul, well I can concur with Tony, I was a bit late to see Dad where anybody else could at his funeral, because they wanted the funeral to go ahead and not wait for me, which at that point of time I was really disappointed and upset.
He never told us he loved us, as Tony said it wasn't what Dad's did back them but eventually he learnt to say it.
'Do you love yourself', when you are suffering from any type of depression then NO, you hate the world,but when you have kids you may still love them but it's so difficult to tell them, so if they come up give you a hug and a kiss you might have a slight flame of affection, but you have to learn how to 'love yourself', because if one step makes you fall backwards, then it's back to square one.
You need confidence and self esteem and I wonder whether you can love yourself before you are able to love other people, or does beginning to love someone else make you start to love yourself, well I would think that this would vary from person to person or what circumstances you are in.
I think that there is always some doubt, because if depression has destroyed your entire life, there would need to be different ways to gain your confidence and self-respect and would depend on your lifestyle and personality, and how open your heart is to change.
It's not an easy question to ask, because you have to remember when you have depression you 'pretend' to be good, and to love yourself could also be a pretentious way to behave. Geoff.

[Just Sara]

Dearest Tony;

You've got it in one! A moment in time where pure love just exists without needing any validation or reply. You had such bravado to take the opportunity to express the love you had for your father and this is the key. We have so many of those opportunities, but fail to recognise them or fear acting due to previous experiences.

Your poem is touching and depicts a very common issue for men. I dare say it would melt even the hardest of souls. Bless you...

Dear Geoff;

As I wrote in my previous posts (novel size) loving ourselves is more about the feeling than the event. (The who/what/where/when/how/why) We only need to allow a single memory of one moment in time to remember what it feels like. For Tony it was kissing his Dad's forehead; for me it was leaning on my Nan's lap and looking into her gentle smiling eyes.

We seem to get caught up with the 'how to' because of depression etc as you say. I've been there and still am on some days. Remembering my Nan's love though, (I was a little girl) disintegrated a lifetime of negativity and trauma in one single moment. Yes, it was only a moment. But to have such a brief reprieve from my pain was so worth it; I remember what love 'feels' like. So giving this to me is my goal - little moments of pure love. Love is the healing power, not the why's or how's. Just feeling it's presence.

Kindest thoughts...Dizzy xo

[Wednesday]

Hi Paul,

Not yet have I been able to look into a mirror and say I love you, so I guess the answer is no. This is despite years of meditation, millions of self help and scientific books, therapists and so on.

My children are what keeps me going and sometimes even that isn't enough. I figure they are okay without me. My what a can of worms you opened with this thread.

There seems to be some commonality with our early lives messing with our brains, yes there is science behind it. For example, if as a child you were in constant fight of flight mode you may find later on in life you have memory problems and multi tasking is a problem. So if your not loved / rejected what does that say to a young brain. Lucky with have medications to help.

Ugh a bit negative, sorry. xx

[blondguy]

Hi Geoff, thankyou for your reply. I just read that others wouldnt provide you with the time to attend your dads funeral. That would have been heart wrenching. My best. Paul

Hey Dizzy, Re Tonys poem you said "Your poem is touching and depicts a very common issue for men. I dare say it would melt even the hardest of souls. Bless you..." Beautifully said. Paul

Hey Wednesday, thankyou, you are a precious soul and not negative at all. You speak from the heart after many years of pain. You are a gift. Paulx

[Sharny]

Hi Paul,

This is an interesting thread!

To be honest in my experiences over the years even though I've fought the illness, found ways to cope etc I still view myself in a negative light. In fact, I hate everything about myself but wan't very much to love myself for the qualities I possess. I would say that my goal has to try and be as kind to myself as possible. At times I've wondered why I don't love me. I can't believe I'm expressing this here because I've been told before, that if I don't love myself how can I love anyone else?

Well, I know I love my husband and children to the moon and back so I think that theory is wrong!

For 10 years I've tried to take care of myself, be kind to myself with some success but not as much as I'd like. I'm tough on myself, loath myself, hate my sensitivities and find it a struggle to embrace my qualities.

I would like to think that trying to be kind to me might one day lead to a better overall way of thinking about myself.

Thanks for this terrific thread!

[Cornstarch]

I love that I am a very tenacious personality.

But I don't love the person that has a personality which is tenacious, if you get what I mean.

I get sooooooooooo frustrated with my body/mind/nervous system when it betrays me/ lets me down.

Especially in public. Can't a girl have some privacy. Is it so much to ask.

Other people's conditions allow them to hide under donnas. I can't walk the streets wrapped in a donna.

[blondguy]

Hi Corn

I hear you loud and clear...Excellent comment about not being able to walk down the street in a doona...and why you cant. I still dont love myself as I dont like my depression or the way it makes me feel.

I know what you mean about being in public sometimes...I have never been super comfortable in it either.

Thanks for your reply CS

My kind thoughts

Paulx